Finding Home
by lcasey3
Summary: A member of Voyager is struggling to find her place on board the ship.  Can Janeway help her to figure out where she belongs?
1. Chapter 1

Per my usual, this story has dark elements containing torture, rape, bondage, and a relationship between two women. If you're not into any of those things or are under 18, don't read.

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount. Addison Blake belongs to me.

* * *

Crewman Addison Blake crawled through the Jefferies tube, trying not to flinch each time her knees came into contact with the cold metal grate. She stopped at the next junction, checked her bearings and mentally cursed at how everything on Voyager looked the same. It had been almost six months on the ship and she still managed to get lost in this maze. She had always prided herself on her navigational skills, but she now realized that was only when she had landmarks or the sky to guide her.

She secretly hated this ship, all ships in fact, but kept that fact to herself, seeing that she couldn't do anything about it. At least there was more space on Voyager - the Maquis ship had been tiny, with tight quarters and no privacy. She had felt semi-claustrophobic then.

The blinking light on the panel ahead of her indicated that she had finally reached her destination. She settled herself in the middle of the tube and pulled off the main panel. Opening up her tricorder, she scanned the gel pack that was underneath. Ever since the packs had been infected, Blake had been assigned to routinely monitor them. Since they couldn't be replaced and were vital for ship's operations, Captain Janeway had put them on a rotating inspection schedule. It took Blake a month to check them all, after which she started over again.

It was tediously boring work. But she didn't mind it. She assumed she got the job because she didn't have any other useful skills. When they had interviewed the Maquis crew members to see where they could be placed on the ship, Blake didn't volunteer much. She wasn't even sure how she let herself end up here to begin with. She had been dating a Maquis, Timmy Meru, who kept pushing her to join. She had never fought, knew nothing about space travel (had only used it to get from one planet to another), and didn't care much for politics. But, he was insistent and she finally gave in.

The trip into the Badlands had been her first time on a Maquis ship. Figures. She was only supposed to be there as an observer.

She finished up her diagnostic and put her tools away. Before heading back, she swept her midnight black hair back into a ponytail. Her straight, fine hair never wanted to stay up and she was constantly fighting with it. The universe (or her parents) must have had a sick sense of humor to give a name like Addison Blake to a dark haired, olive skinned misfit.

When she finally reached the end of the Jefferies tubes, she glanced at a chronometer and realized she was late for her training session with Lieutenant Tuvok. She groaned and, after returning her equipment to engineering, took off at a sprint towards the cargo bay.

Ever since the Maquis training with Tuvok had been such a success, more of the Maquis had been assigned to work with him to bring them up to speed on Starfleet regulations. Blake didn't particularly care one way or the other; it was just another way to pass the time. Fortunately, Tuvok mostly only asked them to learn about ship operations and perform physical exercises. Otherwise, he left her alone.

She arrived at the cargo bay and rushed through the doors.

"You are 6 minutes late, Crewman Blake."

The rest of the training group was standing at attention in a row, with Tuvok now facing away from them, looking at Addison.

"Yes, sir, Lieutenant. I mean, I'm sorry, sir." Blake stumbled over her words, as she always did when speaking to somebody she didn't know well. Which was everybody.

She walked quickly over to the rest of the group and took a spot at the end. For the most part, the members of this particular group were similar to her - struggling to find a place on the ship. None of them had the severely bad attitudes that Tuvok had faced in his first group, but neither did it seem that any of these "recruits" cared much about their lives on Voyager.

Today, they were continuing their module on security. Many of them had some experience with hand-to-hand combat, although it was woefully lacking in any type of discipline. Tuvok felt it was necessary for each of them to have at least basic knowledge on how to defend themselves in the event that the ship was boarded or they were sent on an away mission.

He divided them up into pairs and watched them perform the movements, occasionally stepping in to make corrections. He had already sat down with both Commander Chakotay and Captain Janeway and had discussed each crewman at length. Over the past few weeks, Tuvok had found skills in each of them that he felt could be fostered and would lead to permanent positions on the ship.

All except for Crewman Blake. Tuvok found the woman to be unfailingly polite and easy to direct. She never took a step out of line and did every exercise he gave them, correctly. However, she never offered anything about herself and never pushed beyond what was asked of her. Tuvok knew that most of the humans on the ship would have been complaining about being posted to gel pack inspection within days of being assigned. Yet, Blake hadn't said a word.

Commander Chakotay knew next to nothing about her, either. Ensign Meru had worked with Chakotay for years while they were in the Maquis and was now a trusted member of the Engineering Department. Only on Meru's recommendation had Chakotay allowed Blake on the trip to the Badlands and he had done so grudgingly. Blake didn't have many useful skills, from what he could tell, even for the Maquis.

Tuvok watched Blake sparring with another female crew member. Her movements were fluid and she quickly disarmed her opponent. It wasn't a difficult maneuver, but was done swiftly and efficiently. She obviously wasn't used to fighting, but she picked up on the techniques quickly and had a natural instinct to protect herself.

When they finished the session, everyone quickly gathered their things and left, mostly talking with each other and heading as a group to the mess hall for dinner. Addison didn't say a word to anyone around her and Tuvok watched her walk towards the exit alone.

"Crewman Blake, please stay behind." Tuvok called her back to where he was standing.

Addison looked nervous as the rest of her classmates left and she was left with the Lieutenant.

"Have you given any more thought to what position you might serve aboard Voyager?"

It took Blake a moment to answer and when she did, her voice was hesitant.

"No, sir?"

"You are content then with the job you have been assigned?"

"Yes, sir. It's fine." She hoped this would be enough for him to let her leave.

"You seem to have an aptitude for the exercises we learned today. I would like you to consider the possibility of training further for a security post."

"Security? I've never done anything like that before. I'm not sure I would be good at it."

"Nevertheless, you exceeded the skill level of anybody in this room. I believe you underestimate yourself. I would like you to report for training tomorrow at 0700. You are dismissed."

Addison was too shocked to move for a moment, but then she got her bearings back and hurried out of the cargo bay. She didn't know what to think about this turn of events but pushed it out of her mind when she realized she was now late for dinner.

She rushed to her quarters but slowed down when she reached the doors. As they slid open, she peaked inside, hoping they would be empty. She didn't hear anything and relaxed, heading to the replicator.

As she was about to program in a meal, she heard someone approach from behind and she felt strong hands grab her arms before she could turn around.

"You're late. Your class finished fifteen minutes ago."

"Tuvok wanted to talk to me after, Timmy." She tried to shrug herself out of his grip, but his hands tightened and he spun her around to face him.

"Talk to you about what?" His voice was deep and accusing, his face only inches from hers.

"Nothing, Timmy. He just wanted to talk to me about my job assignment." She was hesitant to share the details, wanting to digest them herself first

"He spent ten minutes talking to you about gel packs? You're lying. Who were you with?"

"Nobody, Tim. I was just talking to Tuvok!"

He obviously didn't believe her and she could feel that her arms beneath his fingertips were going to be bruised when he let go. He pushed her away from him and she hit the wall, stumbling as she tried to stay on her feet.

"Are you going to make dinner? I've been waiting for you and I'm starving."

Addison quickly turned back to the replicator and brought the food to the table when it appeared. They both sat down and ate their dinner in silence. After they finished, Addison cleared the dishes and went to take a shower since she was still sweaty from her workout.

When she came out, Timmy had already taken off his clothes and was waiting for her in the bedroom. She was exhausted from her day and hoped he wouldn't be interested in having sex, but as soon as she entered the room, he pressed her against the wall, kissing her roughly.

"Timmy, I'm so tired, can we do this tomorrow?"

He pushed himself away from her, hands on the wall by her head and glared at her, "You're such a little slut. You're late for dinner, hanging out with other men, and now you don't want to sleep with me. I've gotta say, I'm sick of you never giving me what I need."

He took one hand off the wall and she felt it between her legs, pushing her thighs apart.

"You understand that this is mine, right, Addison?"

She knew there was no point in arguing and so she just nodded.

He pushed her onto the bed, pulling the towel away from her body as he did and lowered himself on top of her. She turned her head away from him and waited for him to finish, hoping it wouldn't take too long so she could go to sleep.

* * *

The next day, Blake arrived at the training room a few minutes early to meet Tuvok. She hadn't wanted to be late again. He was already there, doing some Vulcan martial arts form that she wasn't familiar with.

She stretched as she watched him, wondering what he had planned for her. She always tried her hardest to fly under the radar, to avoid standing out or attracting attention. She berated herself now for whatever she had done to warrant this special notice from Tuvok.

When he finished, he turned to her and invited her onto the mat. He ran her through the exercises they had been working on the day before and when she performed those flawlessly, he continued on to more difficult moves. She was in relatively good shape, Tuvok had noticed that when he first took on her group. She had no trouble with the runs and he saw her in the weight room in her off time.

Even so, under different circumstances, Tuvok wouldn't have considered her as a candidate for security training. Unfortunately, the members of the security team were dwindling rather rapidly as they were always at the forefront of any conflicts Voyager ran into. And there had already been many conflicts. In addition to keeping his staff out of harm's way as much as possible to preserve their numbers, Tuvok had come to the realization that he was going to need to start training new recruits.

After an hour of work with Blake, he was pleased enough with the results that he ordered her back for the next morning as well. He visited Lieutenant Torres in engineering and pulled Blake off gel pack inspection. Torres growled at him when she found out she would have to reassign the duty to some unsuspecting member of her staff.

He then set up a schedule for the newest member of his team that included classroom study on security protocol, general workout sessions with other security team members, weapons training, and hand-to-hand training. He was hopeful that he would be able to train her, although she was far from being typical Starfleet material. She had the potential physically, but he was still concerned about her apparent lack of élan.

* * *

After a few weeks of training, Tuvok was pleased enough with Addison's improvement. She was soaking up the written material and was quite good at the weapons and fighting training. He had hoped that the training and interaction with the other security personnel would draw her out of her shell a bit, but she seemed just as reserved as when they first began. He noticed she spent none of her free time outside of her quarters and had no friends, other than her boyfriend, Ensign Meru. He seemed to be fairly social and popular amongst the crew, but she never accompanied him when he socialized.

Tuvok was giving his security report to Captain Janeway one morning and decided to ask her advice on the crewman.

Normally, he would not even consider the crewman to be an issue; however, he couldn't afford to have somebody in a position of authority who couldn't interact with people effectively. He knew that he had limited ability to deal with emotional issues and had found that on a starship with no outside resources, the psychological welfare of the crew was an aspect he could not afford to ignore.

Captain Janeway listened to Tuvok, thinking that this was normally something she would leave up to Commander Chakotay, as personnel issues were his domain. However, it had seemed like every attempt to engage the woman had met with failure. Janeway, while obviously more compassionate than Tuvok, also would have been more inclined to let the woman be. However, she didn't have the luxury of having unhappy or unproductive crew members on Voyager.

Janeway had never actually interacted with the woman, in fact wasn't sure if she would even recognize her if she saw her in person. Since they had become stranded, she had made a concerted effort to be involved in her crews' lives and now she wondered why she had never had the chance to engage Crewman Blake. She decided she needed to rectify that.

"Why don't I come to your next training session, Tuvok? Maybe if I meet her, I'll have more insight into how to deal with her."

That earned a nod from Tuvok, "It could not hurt the situation."

* * *

The next morning, Addison and Tuvok were already training when Captain Janeway arrived to meet them. They were sparring and Janeway thought that Addison was doing a fairly good job fending off Tuvok, although she could tell he was barely putting in any effort.

Tuvok had not told the Crewman that the Captain was coming and when Tuvok stopped, Blake was surprised and nervous to see Janeway in such close proximity. She unhappily thought about how a few weeks earlier she had been allowed to quietly go about her business while now she seemed to be in the glare of the Officers' gazes.

She stood at attention behind Tuvok as Janeway approached.

"At ease, Crewman."

Addison relaxed her position slightly, but still watched the Captain warily. Janeway studied the woman for a moment as she approached Tuvok. She was average looking for the most part. She was slightly taller than Kathryn, athletically built and attractive features, but nothing that would turn heads. It was her eyes that caught Janeway's attention the most. Contrary to her glossy black hair, her eyes were a faceted brilliant green.

Janeway had become used to the many reactions that she evoked from her crew. Most people felt nervous, awed, angry, impressed (or a combination thereof) by the Captain. Her young crew members (like Ensign Kim) looked at her with reverence. The older ones with respect. The Maquis treated her as an unknown entity. Most had been angry at her decision to strand them here. Still they viewed her through a veil of distrust, although she felt that she was slowly overcoming that. They knew she held their lives in her hands and she could see the mixed emotions that brought out in them.

Kathryn had studied quite a bit of psychology during college and knew that the defiance she saw from most of the Maquis was in direct conflict with their need to win her approval. Over the years, she had found that the majority of people wanted somebody to look up to. In fact they craved it. She was banking on it.

Crewman Blake's wariness, however, didn't seem to do with any of that. Kathryn thought of herself as being extremely competent at reading people. So she was surprised by what she saw in this member of her crew. The woman actually seemed to be disinterested in the Captain. She looked like she would rather bolt out the door than have anything to do with her superior officer.

Janeway turned towards Tuvok, "Lieutenant, the Crewman seems to be coming along quite well, based on reports of where she began."

"Yes, Captain. Her progress has been adequate. I would like to find her a partner more suited for her skill level to practice with."

"Adequate? Crewman, that's high praise coming from a Vulcan." She turned towards Blake and smiled.

Addison faced reddened and she gave a little nod before breaking eye contact. Janeway wasn't sure if the blush was from embarrassment or pride. There was something that fascinated Kathryn about the woman, something she couldn't pinpoint.

She turned back to Tuvok, "You know, I haven't had a chance to stay in fighting form since we left Earth. It might do me some good to have somebody to practice with."

Addison could barely keep herself from reacting. _Seriously? What were the chances that the Captain would choose to spend time exercising with her?_

Janeway, never one to miss anything, saw the flash in Addison's eyes before the woman could conceal it.

"Will that be a problem, Crewman?"

"N-no, Captain. No problem." Shit, she didn't think she had shown her dismay, but obviously the Captain had noticed.

"Very good. 0700 tomorrow, then, Crewman?"

Addison nodded, "Yes, ma'am." Oops, again. She remembered hearing that the Captain didn't like being called "ma'am" but preferred "Captain". Well, she was lucky Addison used any term at all. Before arriving on Voyager, Addison had never been in a situation where there was a chain of command that required this forced respect.

Tuvok nodded at the Captain and before she was even out the door, he had Blake learning something new.

* * *

This time, when Addison arrived at her quarters, Timmy was out. She was relieved. She hadn't had much time to herself recently. Her training kept her constantly surrounded by others. If she wasn't working with Tuvok, she was training with the other members of the security team. The only time of day she had on her own was when she was studying and then she was too focused on the material to focus on her own thoughts.

At night, she was almost always with Timmy. Sometimes, they went to the mess hall or to Sandrine's, but after the first few times when Timmy had accused her of flirting with other men, she had made sure to keep her eyes to herself and not engage in too much conversation. Of course, Timmy got angry at her for ignoring his friends. Instead, she found it easier to stay in.

In turn, the other members of the crew thought of her as standoffish. They stopped trying to be friends with her and in private referred to her as a bitch.

To be honest, she didn't really like socializing anyway. She didn't have anything in common with the others and being in groups made her anxious. She missed her time in the Jefferies tubes, where she had only herself to worry about.

She let her thoughts drift back to the events of the morning. She knew there was some reason the Captain was taking a special interest in her. Many people in the past had tried to engage her, to win her confidence or be friends with her. She hadn't allowed any of them to succeed and she wasn't about to begin now. Not that Janeway wanted to be friends with her. But she knew how hard the Captain tried to make everyone on the ship feel like they fit in. How much she professed to care about each person's happiness.

Happiness was not one of Addison's goals. Nor was having friends. When she first met Timmy, he had spent a lot of time wooing her. Her standoffishness alone made her seem like a challenge for men. They didn't realize that she didn't care who she was with. Her only regret was that being with Timmy had landed her on Voyager. The only positive was that she had a place to sleep and enough food to sustain her. It had rarely been like that in the past.

She came to a decision then to do her best to get through the training without attracting more attention and hopefully settle into a security position where she could get back to staying out of the spotlight. Lying low hadn't worked for her, so hopefully, learning as quickly as she could would get her through this unpleasant experience.


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Janeway turned out to be a decent sparring partner. She and Addison were on a very similar level and they both found it challenging. It was a change of pace for Addison, who was used to Tuvok. He never made mistakes and never let her score on him.

Both women were breathing heavily, their faces flushed and sweaty, when Tuvok called for a halt. He gave them critiques of their performances and then left for a meeting, leaving the two women alone together.

Walking around to keep their muscles from becoming tight as they cooled down, the Captain was pleased to see that Addison seemed more engaged today.

"This is good for me. I believe I'm going to have trouble moving tomorrow, though."

Addison looked at the Captain, but didn't respond.

"You know, your file doesn't give much information on your background. Chakotay says that he barely knew you before we ended up in the Delta quadrant. Are you from Earth originally?"

"Yes, Captain."

Maybe she had to reassess her opinion about the woman being more engaged.

"Are you from North America?" She looked like she had some Asian influence in her background but her name was English or Irish, so it was difficult to tell.

"Yes, Captain."

Okay, she was going to need to stop asking yes or no questions.

"I see. My family is originally from Ireland." She smiled ruefully and pointed at her red hair. "What was your family's background?"

"I don't know, Captain. I never knew my parents."

Well, she had certainly put her foot in it, Janeway thought. That was a rookie mistake, asking about family before she had any information to back it up.

"Neelix is throwing a birthday party for Commander Chakotay tonight. Will you and Ensign Meru be attending?" Better to change the subject.

This seemed to catch Addison off guard.

"Um, I don't know, Captain. I suppose Tim will be going."

"Ensign Meru has been quite an asset to the engineering department. We're very lucky to have him as a part of the crew. I hope you'll consider coming tonight – I would enjoy seeing you there."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you for the invitation."

Janeway nodded at her and gathered her things. "Then I'll see you tonight."

Addison slumped as the Captain left the room. There was nothing she could think of that she wanted to do less than going to that party tonight. But she couldn't ignore an invitation from the Captain.

* * *

Most of the crew had been talking about the party for the last week. There had been nothing to celebrate recently and this was just the excuse they needed. Many of them had ditched their uniforms for something fancier and Timmy had insisted that Addison replicate herself something more formal.

Actually, he had replicated it himself and it certainly wasn't something she would have chosen; a small black number that hugged her body and didn't leave much to the imagination. It was sleeveless and came up high around her neck. She sighed as she put it on, knowing that it was going to draw undue attention to her.

The party was already going strong when they arrived. It was being held in one of the cargo bays, since there was no other place on the ship that could hold almost two-thirds of the crew. The lighting was low and tables had been set up around the floor, covered in food Neelix had either made or replicated for the occasion.

Music was being played and many people were already on the makeshift dance floor. Addison hoped that she wouldn't have to dance.

Timmy pulled her towards some of his friends, mostly former Maquis. He grabbed them each a drink on the way and then went straight to Chakotay to congratulate him. Addison stood awkwardly, trying to stay inconspicuous.

She heard a whistle behind her and turned to see Tom Paris approaching them.

"Wow, you clean up nice!"

Addison glanced quickly at Timmy and saw him frown before covering it up with a smile.

"As if you'd ever stand a chance, Tom." Timmy tried to keep his tone light.

Tom chuckled. "We'll see about that. I do outrank you, Ensign. That's gotta count for something."

He grinned impishly at Addison, his eyes twinkling. Addison responded with a shy smile, caught off guard by how contagious his enthusiasm was.

The smile left her face when she felt Timmy's hand possessively grab her waist.

"Tom, are you ever going to learn to behave yourself?" B'Elanna Torres had snuck into the group and playfully smacked Tom on the arm.

"I certainly hope not! Where would the fun in that be?"

"Only that you might actually get people to like you. And maybe you would start getting some respect from the Captain, instead of constantly being reprimanded."

"As if you can talk, Miss 'I'm going to Disagree with the Captain Whenever I Can'."

"Ouch! I only disagree when I'm right and she's wrong."

Everybody was laughing now.

The Captain's voice caused the laughter to stop, abruptly.

"Miss Torres, you didn't learn at the Academy that the Captain is always right?"

Janeway's voice was serious and Torres looked at her sheepishly.

"Captain! I think, um, that class was held the semester after I left."

Janeway chuckled and she laid her hand on the Chief Engineer's shoulder.

"Of course, Captain or not, I am always right. You'd do well to remember that."

Laughter broke out again.

"Yes, Captain, of course." Torres admitted defeat before excusing herself to get a drink.

Slowly, the group broke up and the Captain turned to Tim and Addison.

"Ensign, I'm glad you were able to convince Crewman Blake to come to the party. She definitely put me through my paces this morning. I'm looking forward to our sessions together."

Timmy shot a glance at Addison, who hadn't even told him that Tuvok had changed her job assignment yet. He recovered quickly though.

"That's good to hear, Captain. She is full of surprises. And it's our pleasure to be able to be here to celebrate Commander Chakotay's birthday."

"Well, I hope you enjoy the evening. Ensign. Crewman." She nodded at both of them before turning away.

Timmy turned to Addision immediately. "Since when were you meeting with the Captain?"

"Just this morning. She showed up to my session with Tuvok yesterday and offered to be my sparring partner. That's all."

"And you didn't think it was important to tell me that? Jesus, you realize that you now have the Captain's ear? This is a huge opportunity and you're too stupid to realize it."

His face was getting red and Addison knew trouble was coming if she didn't calm him down.

"She did mention that she thought were you an asset to the ship. She thinks very highly of you."

That got his attention quickly. "Really? What did she say? Tell me exactly."

The details seemed to mollify him and they returned their attention to the party, his ego sufficiently blown up.

She spent the rest of the evening following him around, attempting to make polite small talk – enough to satisfy Timmy but not enough to garner too much attention.

Unfortunately, her outfit attracted enough notice that she couldn't stay completely unnoticed. She quickly felt her energy draining and was glad when Timmy decided it was time to go back to their quarters.

* * *

Kathryn watched Ensign Meru and Crewman Blake walk out of the cargo bay, unnerved by the evening. When she had first noticed Addison, standing amongst her senior staff, the breath had left her body.

The woman was stunning in that dress. Addison had taken her hair out of its customary ponytail and it hung past her shoulders, shining when the low lighting hit it. The shapeless Starfleet uniforms did nothing for the woman's body, Janeway could now see. Instead, the dress showed off Addison's long slender legs and muscular arms. The collar made her neck seem incredibly long and Kathryn tried to focus on that instead of the woman's backside, which was impossibly tight against the dress.

When she approached the group, she tried to deflect her attention away from Addison by joking with B'Elanna. Still, she had been painfully aware of the woman for the rest of the evening.

Damn, she was in trouble. Nevermind, though. Tonight, she would allow herself this moment of weakness, but that would be all. Mark provided a convenient excuse, both for herself and the crew. Ever since coming to the Delta quadrant, she had realized her feelings for the man hadn't been as strong as she had thought. She barely missed him, in fact had felt relief thinking that maybe this would give her an excuse not to marry him. She loved him, but she wasn't in love with him.

But, she knew that having a relationship with a member of the crew was off limits and the fact that she was engaged provided her an out.

When she left the party, as she walked out the doors, she compartmentalized the evening and forced herself not to think of it again.

* * *

Six months later, Addison had settled into her new position on the security team. She had excelled at her training and Tuvok was quickly able to promote her to provisional ensign status.

It turned out she took to the martial arts with surprising ease and Tuvok continued to tutor her long after she had been promoted. She was now his best student and rivaled everybody but him, in terms of skill.

She had continued her sessions with the Captain, meeting twice a week, even when it became obvious that Janeway couldn't keep up with her. The Captain enjoyed how the sessions pushed her to her limits, though she felt her age was showing when she soaked her sore body in the bathtub at night.

To both Tuvok and Janeway, however, it was apparent that none of this had helped Addison integrate into the crew further. The Captain still knew almost nothing personal about the woman and hadn't pushed, since the day of Chakotay's party.

They both agreed that it didn't matter, though, as long as the Ensign was an asset to the ship. If she wanted to remain solitary, that was her choice.

For Addison's part, she was content with the routine of her job. She didn't admit it to herself too often, but she enjoyed the training sessions with Tuvok and the Captain. She had never had the chance to push her body in this way and she found it deeply satisfying. Tuvok had also taught her about meditation and it was much more rewarding than regular time spent alone thinking.

Otherwise, everybody left her alone and life aboard Voyager became routine.

The only struggle she had was keeping Timmy pleased. He had been angry when he had found out she hadn't told him about her training. Ever since then, everything seemed to make him mad. After the party, Addison had gotten a lot of attention from the men aboard Voyager. On one hand, Timmy loved to boast about how he was with such a beautiful woman. On the other hand, it only fueled his jealousy whenever she interacted with anyone but him.

To keep him happy, she withdrew even more, if possible, and rarely interacted with people outside of her duty shift.

Even as hard as she tried, though, it all came to a head one day at dinner in the mess hall. They had been eating alone, but Ensign Kim and Lieutenant Paris has seen them and asked to join them. All joking aside, Paris had made his interest in Addison clear since the night of the party. Always one to push the boundaries, he flirted with her every chance he got. Obviously, he wasn't on Timmy's list of favorite people.

It had been a stressful day for everyone – a sticky encounter with an alien race had left them all tense. It didn't take too much of Tom staring at Addison before she noticed Timmy's face getting red. She tried to get him to leave, but she was one comment from Tom too late.

Before she could react, Timmy had grabbed Tom by the collar and gotten in his face.

"You don't have any respect for other people's things, do you?"

"I didn't realize that Addison was your property." Tom wasn't going to back down.

"Gentlemen, is there a problem here?" None of them had seen Captain Janeway enter and Addison noticed that everybody around them had stood and was watching the altercation.

Timmy slowly let go of Tom's shirt and turned towards the Captain, straightening his own jacket as he did.

"No, Captain. No problem. We were just leaving."

"Yes, it seems like that would be a good idea."

Timmy glared at Tom before turning and stalking out of the room. Addison glanced apologetically at Tom, avoided looking at the Captain, and turned to follow Timmy.

* * *

Addison knew she was in trouble long before they arrived at their quarters. As soon as the doors shut behind them, Timmy turned on her, eyes blazing.

"You bitch! That's just what I needed, Captain Janeway seeing me like that."

"Timmy, I didn't do anything!"

"Exactly! Tom Paris has been flirting with you for months now and you do nothing to stop him. Don't think I don't see what's going on between the two of you. I'm not stupid."

"Nothing is going on between us. I don't even know him!"

"Don't you dare lie to me!" He grabbed her hair and wrenched her head around, forcing her to the ground.

"Timmy, please, stop!" But Timmy was beyond hearing her. He let go of her hair and a second later the back of his hand connected with her face.

He had been rough with her before, but what happened next took it to a new level. Truthfully, Addison was surprised it had taken him this long. She had never been with a guy who didn't get physical with her and she was used to violence. She had actually been impressed by Timmy's ability to control himself as much as he had.

Her body automatically went into defense mode and she curled up, raising her arms above her to take the blunt of the blows. She pushed herself back until she reached the corner of the room and turned away from Timmy, to protect her face and stomach.

She felt his foot connect with the small of her back and she yelped in pain. The noise seemed to enrage him further and he pulled her away from the wall. His hands enclosed her throat and she quickly began to feel light headed. The last thing she remembered was staring into his eyes, slowly losing consciousness.

When she woke up, she was still lying on the floor and she was naked from the waist down. She moved to get up and groaned when her body protested. Checking to see Timmy asleep on the bed, she pulled herself together and made her way to the bathroom.

Fortunately, the only visible mark was the bruise on her face, which she thought she would be able to hide. The rest of her body was covered in bruises, but nothing that couldn't be covered with long sleeves.

A quick shower made her feel a little bit better before she slipped into bed next to Timmy. She spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling, only drifting off for about an hour before the alarm went off.

She woke up to Timmy stroking her hair. She pushed herself up on her elbows and looked at him.

"Shh, honey. It's okay."

She looked at him, not sure what he thought was okay.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that last night. I just lost control. I guess I was just so stressed from the day and Paris really pushes my buttons. It just hurts me when you don't let him know that you're with me."

Addison didn't say anything, but let herself fall back to the bed. She tested out her muscles, knowing that her back was going to give her the most trouble.

Timmy rolled over to straddle her and kissed her softly on the lips.

"Hey, I love you. You know that, right?"

"Yes, I know that." She did know that, which is why she was with him. When she had first met him, she had nothing and he had given her a place to stay and security. Both were things she didn't have before that.

She didn't know if she loved him, but she knew that she owed him more than she could ever give back. She shouldn't let Paris act the way he did

"I'm sorry that I made you think I was encouraging Tom Paris. He doesn't mean anything to me. I'm with you."

"I know that. I do." He smiled at her and got out of bed to get ready for the day. He made her breakfast, a first, and they sat at the table together eating. When he left for his duty shift, she went to the wall and replicated some makeup.

She had her session with the Captain this morning and realized that she usually wore a tank top to workout. Instead, she took the undershirt of her uniform and put that on. The mock turtle covered most of the bruises on her neck and she covered the rest with the makeup she had replicated. A little bit more went over the mark on her face. With a last glance at the mirror, she left to meet the Captain.

* * *

Janeway didn't say anything to Addison when she first saw her. She had missed most of what had happened the night before, only walking in to see Ensign Meru in Tom Paris' face. When Addison and Timmy had left, Tom brushed off the incident. Kathryn hadn't missed the look on Addison's face before she had followed the Ensign, though, and it had concerned her.

They began their sparring and it didn't take long for Janeway to realize that something was wrong. Addison was moving stiffly and slowly. It was significant enough that Janeway was almost winning.

She threw a punch at Addison's head and the woman twisted around to avoid it, lowering her shoulder and exposing the left side of her body. The Captain's momentum was taking her away from Addison, so she continued to spin and brought her leg around in a kick that connected with Addison's back.

Immediately, an involuntary whimper left Addison's throat and she fell to ground, clutching at her back. Janeway quickly leaned down over her.

"Ensign, what's wrong?"

"I'm okay, Captain. I think I just tweaked by back."

Perspiration dotted Addison's face and she was breathing heavily, which was unusual given the fact that they hadn't been at it for that long. After a moment, Addison sat up and her breathing slowed.

"I'm okay," she repeated herself.

Janeway grabbed a towel and softly wiped Addison's face.

"Why don't we get you to sickbay. The Doctor can take a look."

Addison shook her head, "Really, Captain. I'm fine."

Janeway made a derogatory noise in the back of her throat, "All you security people are the same."

Addison turned to look up at the Captain and smiled, "Right, because I've heard it's easy to get you to see the Doctor."

But Janeway wasn't paying attention to her words anymore, "Ensign, what happened to your face?"

When she had wiped Addison's face, the makeup had come away with the towel, and now Janeway could see the bruise.

"Captain?"

"Your face is bruised. How did that happen? And tell my why a kick that normally wouldn't phase you just put you on the floor."

The Ensign raised her hand to her face and touched the bruise, "It's nothing, Captain. I had an accident and I was embarrassed by it, so I covered it up."

"You really think I'm going to believe that? Take off your shirt, Ensign."

Addison panicked then, standing up and backing away from the Captain. Unfortunately, Janeway was between her and the door. She cursed her bad luck. She couldn't count the times she had gone out with makeup covering a bruise without anybody questioning her.

"Why?"

"Ensign, take off your shirt now. That's an order."

"No, Captain. It's none of your business."

"Everything on this ship is my business, Ensign." Janeway knew she was treading on thin ice, but wasn't willing to let it go. She had seen enough last night to guess at what was happening. "Take off your shirt."

Addison looked around it as if somebody was going to show up and help her.

"We can stay here all day, Ensign. We're not leaving until you take off that shirt."

"Then I guess we'll be here all day, Captain." Addison took a seat in front of her commanding officer and didn't say another word.

Janeway sighed and softened her voice, "Addison, I'd like to help you."

"I don't need any help, Captain."

"You believe that it's okay for your boyfriend to hit you?"

"Who said he hit me?"

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid, Ensign. That may work on other people, but it will only waste more of our time."

Addison looked at the Captain assessingly, "I'm not going to do anything to risk Timmy's position on this ship."

Unfortunately, Janeway knew enough about abusive relationships to know that what she said was true. She also knew that as much as she wanted to go straight to Ensign Meru and kick him in the balls, that wouldn't be helpful either.

"Will you talk to me if I promise that nothing you tell me will leave this room? I won't take any action unless you allow me to."

"Even if you promised that, you couldn't change your opinion of him and that would affect the possibility of advancement for him."

"Ensign, I've already formed an opinion about him based on what I'm assuming he's done to you. It's too late."

"Captain, it's nothing. It was my fault. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. And if it was nothing, you wouldn't be hiding it."

"People always overreact about things like this. It's really not important." Addison didn't know why the Captain was making such a big deal out of this.

"Why don't you let me decide that for myself? Take off the shirt." The words came out sounding harsh and Janeway softened her voice again, "Addison, please let me help."

It was her tone that made Addison pause. Nobody had ever spoken to her like that before, as if they actually cared. She still wasn't inclined to trust the woman, but she did know how stubborn the Captain was and wasn't sure she was going to win this battle.

"You promise that you won't tell anyone?" Her voice sounded like a child's. The Captain knelt in front of Addison, and put her hands on her shoulders.

"I promise."

Addison reached around and pulled apart the Velcro holding the shirt together. She drew her arms out of the fabric and dropped the shirt in her lap. She was unable to look at Janeway as the older woman took in her bruised upper body and the fingerprints around her neck.

The Captain walked around behind the Ensign and knelt down. Addison felt fingers trace the area where she had been kicked.

"What did he do to you?" Janeway couldn't keep the rage out of her voice. She was appalled. She had suspected that he hit her, but this was way beyond that.

"Captain, you promised." Addison knew Janeway was trying to control herself.

"Yes, I know. We need to have the Doctor look at you."

"I'm fine. I've had worse."

That statement went straight through Janeway's heart. She was beginning to understand why they were having such a hard time trying to get the woman to open up.

"Why are you with him?"

"He's a good man, Captain. He gave me a home when I didn't have one. His temper is a small price to pay."

"No matter how good he is, it's always too big of a price to pay, Addison."

Anger filled Addison's voice when she next spoke, "That's easy for you to say, Captain. You grew up in a loving home, with a roof over your head and as much food as you wanted. Your parents protected you and made sure you had what you needed. Not all of us were that lucky. I put up with some things because it's the best I can do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be alive right now."

"But, Addison, you have a home now. We will protect you. Things are different."

"Nothing is different, Captain." Addison stood up and put her shirt back on. "Permission to be excused."

Janeway looked at Addison for a moment before nodding her dismissal. She watched the woman walk out the door, trying to sort out her options.


	3. Chapter 3

Addison worried for days after that, waiting for Janeway to take action against Timmy. But the Captain kept her promise. Over the next weeks, she never indicated to anyone else she knew about what Ensign Meru did to Addison.

Every time Janeway thought that something had happened between Timmy and Addison, though, she would shake her head at the Ensign and say, "You don't deserve this."

It got so those four words, the only ones spoken by the Captain about the situation, ran like a mantra through Addison's head continually.

On the other hand, she had Timmy constantly telling her she did deserve it - that she brought it on herself.

Sometimes, she thought she was going to split in half.

As time went on, Addison became more and more withdrawn. The whole thing was confusing her and the only response she could think of was to keep more to herself. She was never very talkative towards the Captain during their sessions, but it got so that Janeway could barely draw anything out of her.

Janeway was stumped. Every day she revisited the decision not to do anything about the situation. It ate away at her, how she couldn't do anything to protect a member of her crew. She knew her hands were tied, though, if Addison wasn't going to admit to the abuse.

In general, she was exhausted and she had too much on her hands to focus solely on one member of her crew. Voyager had recently been through a spat of unpleasant situations. She was walking with Lieutenant Torres one day, surveying damage to the ship in the days after a duplicate Voyager had destroyed itself to save them from the Vidiians. They were making a list of repairs based on importance and were currently in one of the sections where crew quarters were located.

Janeway often passed through this section when she couldn't sleep, walking by Ensign Blake's quarters. She wasn't sure what she hoped to accomplish by doing it, but it made her feel better. As if she was guarding her.

Today, as they passed by, a loud crash resounded against the door. Both B'Elanna and the Captain stopped to listen, only to hear the sound of breaking glass.

Janeway didn't even pause to consider etiquette. She rushed to the door and when it didn't open she said, "Computer, security override lock, authorization Janeway Omega Phi Delta."

With a beep, the doors slid open to chaos on the other side.

Furniture was strewn everywhere. Broken dishes were scattered on the floor and the coffee table was snapped in half.

On the other side of the table, Ensign Meru was standing over Addison, who was sandwiched in between him and the couch, on the floor.

"Ensign, stand down now." The chill in Janeway's voice made even B'Elanna shiver, but Meru didn't respond. He raised his fist again and brought it down on Addison.

Janeway started to move towards him, but B'Elanna was already there and pulling on Meru. He spun around and took a swing at Torres, but B'Elanna was prepared and she ducked and grabbed him around the waist, tackling him to the ground.

"Timmy, stop!" She held his arms pinned to the floor until he stopped struggling. The rage in his face slowly changed over to comprehension of the situation.

Kathryn had already made her way over to Addison, who was unconscious. She had blood dripping down her face and when Janeway scanned her body for injuries, she saw that one of her arms was broken.

"Captain to the Doctor. I am beaming Ensign Blake directly to sickbay, she requires medical attention."

She contacted the transporter chief and relayed instructions and then called to security to come get Ensign Meru. Only when Addison had shimmered out of the room did she turn around to look at the Ensign.

B'Elanna had let him go and they had both gotten up. Torres had been blocking his view of the Captain and Addison, but now moved out of the way. His face was a combination of embarrassment and anger.

"What right do you have to barge in here, Captain?" He started toward her, but immediately stopped when he saw her face. Everybody knew not to mess with Janeway when she was angry and the look on her face now was way beyond anger.

She didn't say anything, though, and turned away. It was Torres who responded to him, "I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, Timmy."

Nobody spoke again until security arrived. Janeway still didn't turn to look at the man when she ordered Meru taken to the brig.

As soon as she left, both she and B'Elanna went to sickbay.

Addison was lying on the main biobed, still unconscious when they arrived. The Doctor was working over her and barely looked up when they arrived.

"Report, Doctor."

He glanced up at them, but continued working while he spoke.

"She will be fine. She has a broken arm and contusions to her head. There is some internal bleeding, but nothing that is life threatening."

He paused and looked up at the Captain, "What happened here?"

"She was attacked by Ensign Meru."

"Attacked?"

"Yes, Doctor. Please focus on your patient." The Doctor looked surprised at the rebuke but returned to working on Addison without another word.

Janeway walked over to the bed and looked over the woman before turning away, "Please keep me updated on her condition, Doctor."

Torres was still standing at the entrance to sickbay, unsure of what to do. She was shocked at what had happened. She had known Timmy for years and had always respected him. Something must have happened to make him act this way.

As she stood there, Janeway looked at her and said, "Please accompany to my ready room, Lieutenant. I'd like you to give a report to Lieutenant Tuvok immediately."

That was unusual, B'Elanna thought. Normally, she would have been asked to submit a written report and then after it had been read by the Chief Security Officer, she would be interviewed if there were any questions.

She didn't say anything, however, especially because the Captain still had that scary look on her face.

When they had all arrived at the ready room, Tuvok asked Lieutenant Torres to relay what she had seen.

She went through her version of the events and then finished with one observation, "I don't understand why Ensign Blake couldn't defend herself. I've seen her fight. Ensign Meru shouldn't have stood a chance against her."

Neither Tuvok nor Janeway responded to this and they dismissed her. When she left, Janeway looked at Tuvok and then put her head in her hands.

"This is my fault, Tuvok."

"I fail to see how you were responsible for this, Captain."

"A few months ago, I became aware of the fact that Ensign Meru was being violent towards Ensign Blake. We had a conversation about it but she wouldn't admit to anything unless I promised not to do anything about it. Tuvok, I knew this was happening and I did nothing to stop it."

"Captain, you must not blame yourself for this. You said yourself that your hands were tied. There is nothing we could have done unless she was willing to go on record about it."

Janeway shook her head, "We could have done something. He was beating her. I should have done something."

"Captain, the Doctor reports that Ensign Blake is not permanently injured. There is nothing you can do to change the past. It would be more productive to hear your version of the story before I can bring charges against Ensign Meru."

The Captain nodded and attempted to collect her thoughts. She began relaying what she knew starting from that first day, months ago. As she went through the events, she felt guilt descending on her. In hindsight, it seemed obvious that she should have handled the situation differently.

When they finished, she headed back to sickbay, where Addison was now awake. Janeway approached the entrance to the room, hesitant to talk to the woman. Before she went through the doors, she stopped and assessed her feelings. She couldn't remember feeling this off balance since the first moment she had realized they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant.

She still remembered that moment clearly, how she watched the Maquis ship explode into the array and when the debris had settled, her heart sank into her stomach. She had turned to look at her bridge crew and she saw the shocked look on their faces as reality set in. It only took her a few more seconds to steel herself against her own feelings of loss and get back her aura of confidence.

She hadn't let go of that confidence until now. She couldn't figure out how this situation could rattle her so immensely when she had faced much worse over the past year and a half.

When she walked into sickbay, the Doctor was in his office and Addison was lying on the biobed, her back to the door. She didn't move when Janeway reached her and the Captain wasn't sure if it was because she hadn't heard Janeway enter or if she was asleep. A glance at her body, though, showed tense muscles throughout her shoulders and back.

"Ensign Blake."

Addison slowly rolled over and looked at the Captain. Her eyes were still bruised, although fading rapidly, and Janeway could see Addison holding her arm close to her body. There was little chance that it still hurt, so Janeway assumed it was instinct that made the woman keep it protected.

"How are you feeling, Ensign?"

"I'm feeling fine, Captain, thank you. Where is Timmy?"

"He's in the brig, you don't need to worry."

Addison looked away from her and Janeway realized she wasn't worried for her own safety; she was worried about what was going to happen to Meru.

"Tell me what happened, Ensign."

"It doesn't matter, Captain. I made him mad and he reacted."

"You can't protect him anymore, Addison."

Addison didn't respond for a moment and then said, "Captain, I'm tired. Would you mind if I got some rest?"

Janeway ignored the stab that shot through her at the woman's dismissal.

"Of course. I'll need you to speak to Lieutenant Tuvok when you're able."

Janeway left the bed and went in to get an update from the Doctor, frustrated by her conversation with Addison. She was worried that even though this had come to a head, the woman still wouldn't be ready to admit that there was a problem. It didn't matter though, because it was doubtful that Janeway was going to let Meru out of his cell anytime soon.

* * *

Once Addison was released from sickbay, Tuvok sat her down for an interview. Unfortunately, he was unable to get any information from her. She only kept repeating that she wasn't going to say anything against Meru.

Besides Captain Janeway, Tuvok was the person on the ship that spent the most time with Ensign Blake. He was surprised that he hadn't noticed anything was wrong which, if possible, made him even more determined to make sure it was fixed now.

Because Addison wasn't willing to speak against Meru, they could only press charges based on what Janeway and Torres had witnessed. Failure to obey a superior officer, assault on a superior officer, and assault and battery against a fellow crew mate were the three charges that were brought against him. Janeway gave him the maximum sentence, but even that was only three months in the brig. She only hoped that over those three months, she could convince Addison to change her mind.

Addison walked around in a daze in the weeks following the incident. She visited Meru in the brig everyday and wouldn't talk to Janeway about anything.

Janeway couldn't admit defeat, but also know that she was getting herself far more involved than was appropriate for the Captain of a starship. Finally, she forced herself to take a step back and decided to leave Addison alone for a few weeks.

Addison immediately noticed the difference and, at first, felt immense relief. She felt like she was fighting a battle that couldn't be won by either side. She wasn't willing to turn her back on Timmy, but Tuvok and Janeway were wearing her down. She was grateful for the reprieve.

After a few days of peace and quiet, however, Addison realized she was lonely. When she and the Captain met for their training sessions, the Captain would greet her perfunctorily and leave immediately after they finished.

The rest of the crew remained unsure around her. She still hadn't made any friends and there were a lot of rumors floating around as to what had happened. Half the crew thought that Timmy was getting the short end of the stick. The other half weren't sure if he deserved the punishment or not, but did feel that, based on Addison's aloof nature, that some part of the incident was her fault.

To stave off the loneliness, she spent most of her time meditating and she took on extra duty shifts, anything to keep her away from her empty quarters.

Addison had never been a part of a community before and even though Timmy had kept her separate from everyone, she had to admit that she cared about Voyager. She had begun to enjoy her job and had felt needed. Now, knowing that she had caused everything that had happened, she fell into a deep depression.

It got so she couldn't even concentrate enough to meditate and instead sat in her quarters and cried. She began having panic attacks. She could barely keep herself together for her duty shifts and she completely lost her appetite. She only wished that she could go back to not caring. Life had been so much easier then.

* * *

A month after the incident, Janeway arrived early for her training session with Addison. When she walked in, she initially thought the room was empty. But a noise behind her made her turn. In the corner, Addison was sitting with her arms clutching her knees to her chest. Her head was cradled between her legs and her body was shaking.

"Ensign, what's wrong?" Janeway rushed over to her and crouched in front of her.

Addison raised her head and just shook it, unable to speak. She was gasping for air and her chest was heaving.

"Hey, just breath. Take slow breaths." Janeway sat down beside her and rubbed her back.

It took a few minutes, but gradually Addison got her breathing under control.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Captain."

"Don't know what to do about what?"

"Nothing used to matter. I didn't care. It made everything so easy. But now I've disappointed you and Tuvok. And I've disappointed Timmy. I can't seem to do anything right."

Janeway was surprised. This was the first time the Ensign had ever indicated she cared about what the Captain or Tuvok thought about her.

"Ensign, let me make one thing clear. You have not disappointed us. We only want you to be safe. We want you to let us help you."

"I can't."

"I know that, Addison. But that can change."

They sat like that for a while, until Janeway felt Addison's pulse rate slow.

"Ensign, I remember you telling me that you used to enjoy spending time camping. Is that right?"

"Yes, Captain. On Earth." Addison looked confused at the change in topic.

"We've located an uninhabited M-class planet where we're hoping to pick up some food stores. There also seems to be some interesting geological phenomenon on one of the continents. I was planning on going down to do some research. I know Tuvok won't let me go without a security escort. Why don't you come with me? I've never been big into camping, but you can show me the ropes. It will be good for you to get away."

"You would allow me on an away mission?" It was the first time Janeway had seen Addison's eyes shine like this.

"Of course, Ensign. Why don't you go see Tuvok to get briefed? We'll be arriving in three days."

"Yes, ma'am," Addison smiled brightly and Janeway's heart jumped at how it lit the woman's face.


	4. Chapter 4

Three days later, Captain Janeway and Ensign Blake beamed down to the Northern continent of a M-class planet. From the moment it had come on the view screen, everyone had been reminded of Earth. The other away teams were going to the Southern continent, where scans had shown an abundance of edible plant life.

The two women were scheduled to spend three days on the planet and their equipment had already been beamed down ahead of them. Normally, Janeway would have gone back to the ship each night, but she was more than happy to stay on the planet if it would benefit Ensign Blake.

They organized their packs, which Addison had put together ahead of time. Janeway had been thrilled at the Ensign's enthusiasm for the trip. Immediately after Janeway had suggested it, Blake had gone to Tuvok to brush up on away team protocols and learn specifically about protecting the Captain, if needed.

She had collected everything they needed for the trip and had even teased the Captain when Janeway had been appalled at the idea of a tent and stoves for cooking. The Captain had wanted the ship to beam down a shelter each evening and warm food. Addison declared that it wasn't really camping if you had the resources of a ship at your disposal. Janeway was so happy to see Addison engaged that she easily gave in.

So, they set off with packs that Janeway thought were way too heavy, tricorders in hand. There were minerals buried beneath the surface that showed remarkable properties and they walked a long, collecting different samples. Addison had mapped the area ahead of time and they were following a route she had decided on before they beamed down.

Acting in accordance with her training, Addison took the lead and while Janeway wouldn't normally stand on protocol, she allowed it only so she could spend some time observing the other woman.

Already, she was more relaxed than Janeway had ever seen her. She negotiated the terrain easily, hopping over fallen trees and scrambling up rock. The Captain had to work to keep up with her and finally admitted to herself that she needed a break. The weather was warm enough to keep her sweating and she knew she probably looked disheveled. She slapped at a mosquito and wiped the blood off on her pants. She would bet that she didn't look very Captainly right now.

"Ensign, why don't we find a place to stop for lunch?"

Addison looked back and immediately felt bad that she hadn't been aware that the Captain was struggling to keep up with her.

"I'm sorry, Captain - of course. There should be a good place just a few minutes ahead." In fact, Addison had been hoping to make it to that spot even before the Captain had said anything.

She wasn't disappointed. After about ten minutes, the trees opened up into a small clearing bordering a medium sized, quietly flowing river. Trees lined the river, letting rays of sun filter through to the water. The grass in the clearing was short, indicating that there were grazing animals nearby.

"Captain, if there's anything scientifically notable in this area, it might be a good place to camp for the night. In fact, we could probably make this our base and do explorations from here." Addison blushed, then, realizing that she probably shouldn't be telling the Captain what to do. "I mean, only if you think it's a good idea."

Janeway smiled at Addison, thinking it was an excellent idea. Hiking wasn't her thing and the samples she had already collected were weighing her down.

"Ensign, you're the one who knows what they're doing. I am happy to follow your lead." Honestly, she wasn't going to do anything to dampen the Ensign's enthusiasm.

They both dropped their packs and went about setting up camp. Addison started on erecting the tent while the Captain collected firewood.

Addison hoped that a single tent would be okay. She was a little bit uncomfortable sharing the space with the Captain but decided against bringing two tents when she realized how much weight that would add to the Captain's pack. She was glad she had made the decision, seeing how tired the Captain was without the extra weight.

When they were finished, both of them were sweaty and dirty. Addison looked longingly at the river, but thought it was probably inappropriate to suggest a swim while on duty with the Captain.

"If you were thinking a dip in the river sounded like a good idea, Ensign, I'd be right behind you."

To the Captain's surprise, Addison quickly stripped off her clothes, leaving on only her underwear and sports bra. She ran to the edge of the water and without a moment's hesitation, did a shallow dive beneath the surface. Janeway followed, watching her body arc through the air and disappear into the water. Eventually, though, she became concerned when the woman didn't resurface.

She scanned the water, not even seeing a ripple, but eventually Addison popped up about ten meters downstream and, in clean brisk strokes, made her way back to where the Captain was standing on the shore.

"Are you coming in, Captain? The temperature is perfect!"

Her enthusiasm was contagious but Janeway wasn't about to get undressed in front of one of her crew.

"Captain, does Starfleet make commanding officers differently than the rest of us?"

"Ensign?"

"I'm just wondering if you're nervous I'll find out that you're actually made of cybernetics if I see you in your skivvies."

Janeway chuckled, "No, Ensign, I'm not worried about that."

She really couldn't think of a good reason why she should be embarrassed. Her bathing suit didn't cover much more anyway.

A minute later, she found herself self-consciously half-naked. She peered into the water, wondering when she had lost her youthful ability to dive in without looking first. The bank of the river dropped sharply into the water, so there was no chance of wading in.

"Come on, Captain, I'm growing old waiting for you!"

_Shit, this was embarrassing. _She should have reminded Addison that an Ensign didn't speak to the Captain with such familiarity, but instead she took a step forward and dove off, her body slicing through the water. The shock of the ice cold water almost knocked the breath out of her body.

She sputtered when she came up to the surface, "The temperature is perfect, huh? It's freezing!"

"Keep moving, Captain, and eventually it'll feel perfect."

She did as Addison suggested, but while eventually she stopped shivering, she never felt warm. Within a few minutes, she hopped out.

Addison followed behind her a few minutes later, but decided to set up the fire pit while the Captain used the tent to change. When Janeway stepped out of the tent, Addison's back was to her and she was leaning over, placing rocks in a circle.

She had put her pants back on and they hung low over her hips. Janeway's breath got stuck in her chest as her eyes roamed over Addison's muscular arms and back. Without meaning to, she imagined herself walking up behind the woman, wrapping her arms around that slim waist, and kissing her neck.

_Get a hold of yourself, Kathryn. _She couldn't remember the last time she had thoughts about another person like this. Certainly not in years. Maybe over a decade. In truth, she had never seen herself as a very sexual person. Not that she didn't like sex, but compared to some friends, she knew she didn't need it as much as others. The self-imposed celibacy must be getting to her.

It's not that she hadn't found others to be attractive. There had been members of alien races who had intrigued her. But, besides Chakotay, there was nobody on board who would have caught her attention under normal circumstances. Even Chakotay would only have been an interesting diversion if the option were there.

Before she decided to ask Ensign Blake to come down to the planet with her, she had been thinking of asking Chakotay if he would accompany her. He was an incredibly kind and caring man and Janeway trusted him more than anybody on the ship, save Tuvok. He was the one person on the ship who she could let loose around. But, still, he didn't challenge her in the way she felt she needed from a relationship. In fact, nobody since Justin had fulfilled that need.

She wasn't sure what drew her to Addison Blake. Obviously, it wasn't only the physical attraction, since she had been intrigued even before she had noticed how beautiful the woman was. As she thought about it more, she realized it was the woman's aloofness that was so attractive to her. Everything that Addison did, it was as if she didn't care about the outcome. Not in a lazy or dismissive way, but as if she wasn't invested.

Kathryn shook her head at herself. She hated to think of herself as predictable. But, there was no way around it. She was drawn to challenges - even more so, challenges of the people variety. Blake was a challenge. But this was a dangerous game - one that she couldn't afford to get drawn into. Her focus had to be on her ship, not on creating a diversion for herself. And it wouldn't be fair to the Ensign, who would inevitably be let down at the end. Because if anything were true about Kathryn Janeway, it was that she didn't lose at anything.

So, in that moment, Janeway got her control back and made the decision to help the Ensign however she could, but only as a Captain.

* * *

They spent a few more hours that afternoon surveying the area and having their samples sent up to the ship, where Janeway hoped she could run some tests in her free time, what little she had of it.

With dusk approaching, they headed back to camp and Janeway got the fire going while Addison made dinner. The Captain wasn't particularly looking forward to a meal made on a camp stove, but she figured it couldn't be worse than some of Neelix's concoctions.

She watched Addison pull out ingredients that she had obtained from the kitchen. She wasn't sure what the woman was putting together, but the more she watched, the more nervous she got. It had been a long day and had included far more exercise than she was used to. She was famished.

Before long, the Ensign handed a plate of food over to Janeway and looked at her expectantly. It was a pile of rice and beans, all together, with other unidentifiable ingredients mixed it. Everything had been made using two small pots on two small stoves.

She took a bite, chewing slowly before swallowing.

"This is...delicious!" The surprised look on her face must have been amusing, because Blake burst out laughing.

"Don't look so shocked, Captain. Your trust in my cooking abilities is heartwarming. And don't for a second think that I didn't see the looks you were giving me while I was cooking."

Janeway smiled ruefully, "You'll have to admit, though, this doesn't look like the most gourmet meal. But it really is excellent. How did you get so much taste into it? And why didn't you mention your cooking skills when you first arrived on Voyager? You could have saved us all from Neelix's cooking!"

"Cooking for 150 people, Captain, is one of the most thankless jobs I can think of."

"Less fun than crawling around Jefferies tubes monitoring gel packs?"

Addison smiled, "Much less."

Janeway smiled back, enjoying the easy banter that was flowing between the two of them. It was unusual that a member of her crew felt comfortable enough around her to act this way.

"Tell me, Ensign, you seem to know a lot about living in the outdoors. Where did you get your experience?" She hoped to get Addison talking, so she could continue to stuff her face full of food. She had to admit, this was probably one of the best everyday type meals she had eaten since Voyager had been lost. Now that was a scary thought.

But when Addison didn't respond right away, Janeway stopped eating and looked up. The Ensign seemed lost in her own thoughts, unaware of the silence between the two women.

"Ensign?"

That shook Addison out of her revery and she refocused on the Captain.

"When I was younger, in my early teens, I lived outdoors, in Canada. Alberta - it's one of the most beautiful places in North America."

"You lived outside? With who?"

Addison shrugged, "With others. I learned everything about wilderness survival, though. I was there for about four years."

She smiled, although there was no happiness in it, "You'd be surprised, Captain, how easy it is to live without modern amenities. Living on Voyager, where you have everything you ever needed...it's very different."

But then the smile changed to something genuine, "Speaking of things you need!"

She got up and rummaged through her pack, finally pulling out a small package. She set it next to the fire and then ran over to the edge of the woods, where she cut two small branches and used her knife to strip them of their leaves and sharpen the points.

She sat down at the fire again and pulled a bag from the package. A moment later, she handed one of the branches to Janeway, who saw that there were now two marshmallows impaled on the end. Addison was in the process of laying pieces of chocolate on crackers, which she placed on the stones near the fire.

"You have to let the chocolate melt a little bit before you eat it."

Janeway snorted, "What is this?"

Addison looked at her in astonishment, "You've never had s'mores before?"

"S'mores? What's a s'mores?"

Addison looked offended, "A s'more is a roasted marshmallow sandwiched in between chocolate and graham crackers. I can't believe you've never had one before."

"It sounds unappealing."

"So did my cooking, but you liked that."

Another laugh came from Janeway's throat, "Touché, Ensign. Fine, bring on the s'more. What do I have to do?"

Addison took her own stick and held the marshmallows above the fire, "You have to roast your marshmallows like this. Get them close enough to the flame to brown it, but not close enough so it catches on fire."

Janeway copied Addison, but kept pulling it back to look at it.

"It's not browning. How long does this take?"

"Captain, you have to have patience. If you put it near the blue part of the flame, it will go more quickly."

Clearly, Addison didn't know that patience was not one of Janeway's strong points when it came to coffee and dessert.

A moment later, Janeway's marshmallow burst into flames and she quickly brought it close and blew it out.

"Maybe I like it burnt better anyway."

Addison rolled her eyes at her, but handed the Captain the crackers with chocolate. Meanwhile, Addison had rotated her stick around so that each marshmallow was perfectly browned on all sides and the middle was gooey and hanging off the branch.

They bit into their sandwiches at the same time and a groan escaped Addison, "I haven't had one of these in years."

Janeway had to admit, this was almost as good as coffee. Almost.

"Okay, fine. You win. Dinner and dessert were both delicious. Thank you. And, now, I need to go to bed. I haven't felt this exhausted since we got to the Delta Quadrant."

She got up and started to gather up the dishes, but Addison shooed her away. Janeway feebly protested, but was so tired she decided to take advantage of her rank for one night.

By the time she had crawled into her sleeping bag in the tent, she was able to close her eyes and fall asleep immediately.

* * *

A noise outside the tent woke her up and she groggily felt around for her chronometer to see what time it was. When she didn't find anything, she opened her eyes more fully, only to remember that she wasn't on the ship.

She sat up and looked around, trying to get her bearings. The moonlight was strong and illuminated the tent enough for her to see that she was alone. Addison's sleeping bag was empty, but strewn in a way that suggested she had used it.

The Captain got up quietly and pulled a jacket on over her nightshirt. She slid her feet into her shoes and opened the entrance of the tent, peering outside. The clearing was brightly lit up by the two moons that were overhead, but Janeway couldn't see Addison.

She walked away from the tent, towards the river and finally turned to see the silhouette of a sitting figure around the bend in the river. Addison was sitting cross legged in the grass, bathed in moonlight. She was facing away from the Captain and in front of her were four grazing animals.

They looked like a cross between a horse and an antelope, with strong bodies, but petite heads topped with long, jagged antlers. Their tails were cropped and fuzzy and twitched as they ate.

None of them seemed bothered by Addison, who was still as a stone. Janeway watched them for a few minutes and then walked slowly and quietly toward them, trying not to disturb anyone. Addison didn't seem to notice the Captain approaching from behind and the animals didn't react to her presence.

When Janeway reached the Ensign, she knelt down behind her and put her hand on the woman's shoulder.

The moment she made contact, Addison's body flinched. Her body twisted around and she raised her arm up, pushing Janeway's arm away from her. She fell backward and Janeway saw panic in her face.

Behind them, the herd's attention was drawn to the two women. They froze for a moment, heads raised towards them, and then bolted for the woods, disappearing amongst the trees.

"Ensign, it's me. Captain Janeway." She stayed where she was, not making a move to get any closer.

Slowly, comprehension dawned on Addison's face.

"Captain. I'm sorry. You surprised me."

"I'm sorry. I should have said something. But I didn't want to disturb the animals. They were beautiful."

Addison stared at her for a moment and then turned away, a blank expression on her face.

"Yes they were."

"Have you been sitting here for long? I didn't hear you leave the tent."

"Only for about an hour, Captain. I tried not to disturb you."

"So, you have trouble sleeping also? I thought I was the only insomniac on the ship." She said it with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"I guess, Captain."

Janeway settled herself down on the ground comfortably and they sat like that for awhile, in silence. The moons were descending over one half of the sky and Janeway guessed they still had a few hours until dawn.

Finally, Addison stood up, "I think I'm going to try to get a few more hours of sleep, if that's okay, Captain."

"Of course, I think that's probably a good idea."

They walked back to the tent and both crawled back into their sleeping bags, an awkward silence between them. Janeway listened for awhile, until Addison's breathing became regular, and then let herself drift off to sleep.

* * *

She woke up the next morning to the smell of coffee. She thought her mind was playing tricks on her, but she quickly got up and dressed. When she stepped out of the tent, Addison was by the fire and a mug of steaming liquid was sitting next to her.

Addison turned when she heard the Captain and gave a small smile, "Coffee, Captain?"

"How did you know?"

"Everybody knows, Captain."

"It's really not fair. Everybody on the ship knows my biggest weakness, but they don't allow me the same courtesy."

She sat down near the fire and took a sip of her coffee, relishing in the perfect, cool morning air. She had to admit, one of the big downsides to living on a starship was that the air was always the same.

"So, Ensign, what do suggest as a plan for today?"

Addison looked surprised at being asked, but quickly recovered and told the Captain that she had mapped a route that could take them to the ocean. The trip would take them about three hours, enough time to explore the area and get back before dark.

Janeway knew that a trip to the ocean was more of a sightseeing opportunity than anything else, but there was no reason she could think of why she couldn't get the samples she wanted along the way.

They put together their day packs, leaving their tent and overnight items behind, but taking enough food and supplies to last them for the day. Janeway watched Addison gather the rest of their food and put it in a "bear bag", as she called it, before attaching it to a rope and slinging it over a high tree branch in one smooth motion. Janeway suggested that they just transport it up to the ship, but all Addison said was that it was part of the experience.

Together, they set out eastward, towards the edge of the continent. The mountains were northwest of them, which is what fed the icy river they were camped against. As they walked, the terrain changed slowly from forest and brush that was difficult to navigate to a less densely packed, but much older ecosystem.

They walked without speaking for the first hour but eventually Janeway couldn't help but make comments about the interesting flora or rock formations. She was keenly interested in geology and knew a lot about what the differences in soil and rock strata meant to the history of land. Addison enjoyed listening to her and took it all in quietly.

They were walking along a game trail that bordered a short rocky cliff when Addison, who was in front, raised her hand and stopped. Janeway stopped behind her and watched as the Ensign cocked her head to the side, obviously listening for something that the Captain couldn't hear. She rotated her head around, finally turning to face the Captain.

Her eyes became wide and she whispered, "Captain, I want you to walk slowly towards me. Don't panic. There's an animal behind you on the ledge."

Janeway's first instinct was to spin around and look. But she tightened down on her initial rush of adrenaline and slowly walked toward the Ensign, who was reaching for her phaser. She was about to tap her commbadge and call for help when she heard a snarl and felt a rush of air.

The Ensign leapt forward and knocked her out of the way. They landed in a heap and Janeway felt something sail over their bodies. Before the Captain could even react, Addison rolled away from her and flipped herself up, pulling her phaser out of its holster at the same time. The animal, feline in shape and about the size of a large dog, had already spun around and was mid-leap when Addison fired. The cat landed at her feet, unconscious.

Addison turned back around and ran over to the Captain, who was just sitting up.

"Are you okay, Captain? I'm sorry, I should have known it was coming. I should have checked my tricorder. I didn't think."

"Ensign, I'm fine." She stood up, looking at the cat. Its body was compact and four long, sharp teeth poked out from its mouth.

Addison went back over to the animal and scanned it, getting much closer than the Captain would have liked.

"Be careful, Ensign. We don't know anything about its physiology. The phaser might not have that much of an effect on it."

But Blake didn't heed her warning and continued to stare at it.

"Ensign, that's enough. I think we should leave before it wakes up."

Addison finally turned away from the cat.

"Would you like to continue on, Ensign? We can return to the campsite or the ship."

"No, it's okay Captain. I'm fine going on."

She bent over to pick up her pack, which had flown off during the scuffle, and continued down the path without another glance at the cat.


	5. Chapter 5

It took them another hour to reach their destination, fortunately without anything else dramatic happening. Neither of them spoke much, with Addison seeming to be in deep thought.

When they reached the edge of the woods, the beach began immediately and sloped down to the ocean. Both the beach and the woods went on for about a half-mile before cliffs rose out of the water. The forest ended near the base of the cliffs and on top was a meadow.

"I'd bet that would be a great place for a picnic, what do you think, Ensign?"

They hadn't eaten since early that morning and Janeway was feeling the need for both rest and fuel. Especially after the adrenaline rush that had happened earlier.

It took them another half hour to walk down the beach and pick their way through the woods and up to the top of the cliffs.

When they reached the top, Kathryn had to admit it was one of the most gorgeous views she had ever seen. The grasses were glistening in the breeze and the ocean stretched out indefinitely from the edge of the cliff.

Addison seemed just as enthralled as the Captain and they took a moment to explore. They went to the edge of the cliff and looked out over the view. The water was about 40 meters down and was crashing against the rocks that jutted out from the wall.

Janeway finally stepped away and started to unpack their lunch. Addison was still standing at the edge, apparently lost in thought. The Captain was feeling concerned about the woman's demeanor ever since the night before. She seemed withdrawn and introspective and Kathryn hadn't been able to get her to come out of that all morning, especially since the incident with the cat.

"Ensign, would you like some lunch?"

Addison turned around and walked back to where Janeway was. They sat down to eat, Janeway worried that they were going to have a silent meal.

But, surprisingly, it was Addison who initiated conversation.

"Have you ever seen anything so beautiful, Captain?"

"This definitely is near the top, Ensign. I'm glad you decided to join me on this trip."

"Thank you, Captain, for inviting me." She looked around her and turned back to Janeway, "This reminds me of the Pacific Northwest. Have you ever been?"

"No, actually, I haven't. It's just one transport away from San Francisco, but I never seem to have the time."

"You should go, if you have a chance, when you get back to Earth."

They had finished eating and it had become even warmer than the day before. Both women stripped off their outer layers and sat back on the grass.

With her stomach sated and the heat from the system's star beating down on them, Janeway felt herself getting sleepy.

She must have drifted off, because when she opened her eyes, she was alone. She sat up and looked around, just in time to see Addison swan dive off the edge of the cliff.

She involuntarily let out a scream and rushed to the spot where Addison had jumped from. She peered over the edge, not seeing anything but the water pounding against rocks.

Immediately, she tapped her commbadge, "Janeway to Voyager, lock onto Ensign Blake's signal and beam her directly to sickbay."

She waited a few seconds before saying, "Voyager, do you have her?"

The voice came back at her, "No, Captain, we only have her commbadge."

Janeway tapped her commbadge again, "Janeway to Lieutenant Torres, I want you to scan for any human life signs in my vicinity and transport them to sickbay."

A moment later Torres' voice answered, "Captain, we have Ensign Blake's pattern in the transporter buffer, but the bioscans are not allowing us to beam her aboard."

"Why not, Lieutenant?"

"It seems that she has a virus that the transporter cannot filter out. I can't keep her in the buffer any longer, I'm going to have to transport her to your location."

The air next to Janeway shimmered and Addison appeared, soaking wet and unconscious. Janeway knelt down next to her and checked to see if she was breathing. She wasn't.

She called to Voyager again, "Commander Chakotay, I need a medical team at my location immediately."

While she was waiting for a response, she began CPR on the Ensign, alternating breathing into her mouth and doing chest compressions.

"Captain, the Doctor is not allowing us to transport anybody to the surface. It appears from the scans that the virus Addison contracted is contagious. We are sending you down a medical kit and the Doctor will walk you through whatever you need."

When the kit arrived, Janeway grabbed it and the Doctor told her which hypospray to use to clear the Ensign's lungs and get her heart and breathing started again.

Finally, Addison took a deep breath and began coughing. Janeway helped her sit up, letting the woman lean back into her arms.

After her breathing became regular, Janeway asked her sharply, "What were you thinking, Ensign?"

"I'm sorry. It just seemed like it would be fun."

"Ensign, don't play games with me."

"Captain?"

"You're going to sit here and tell me you didn't just try to kill yourself by jumping off that cliff?"

Addison looked at her in surprised and it seemed like she was going to respond, but then she closed her mouth and turned away.

Frustrated, Janeway turned her attention away from Addison.

"Janeway to Voyager, I'd like a report on what's happening up there."

Chakotay's voice was filled with concern when he responded, "Captain, we're working on it now. It seems that somehow Ensign Blake contracted a virus that we can't neutralize. We're running tests on the members of the crew who are on the other continent and we'd like to run your pattern through the transporter to see if you're infected."

"Very well, Commander. Proceed."

Janeway stood up and waited. She felt the usual tingle of the transporter and everything around her became fuzzy. Almost immediately, she found herself back on the planet.

"Report."

The Doctor's voice responded this time, "Captain, it seems as if you are also infected. I'm going to need time to run some tests."

"Fine, keep me updated. Commander Chakotay, please have Ensign Blake and myself transported back to our campsite."

* * *

When they arrived back at camp, Ensign Blake requested to be excused and went straight into the tent. When Janeway went to check on her a few minutes later, the woman was fast asleep.

The Captain sat outside the tent, running through the past few days, trying to see if she had missed anything. Addison had seemed so upbeat ever since she had suggested the trip. Yesterday, Janeway had seen a side of the woman she didn't know existed. But, today, she wondered if she should have known.

Over the next few hours, Janeway checked in periodically with the ship, but the Doctor didn't have any more news except that none of the crew who had gone to the southern continent had the virus. He asked her a series of questions before signing off and returning to his research.

Finally, around dinnertime, Janeway went back to the tent and attempted to wake up the Ensign. She leaned over the woman and shook her awake.

"Ensign, dinner is ready."

Addison curled up tighter, "I'm not hungry."

"I don't care, Ensign. Get up." She unzipped the sleeping bag and pulled it off.

She didn't leave the tent until Addison had sat up and begun to pull dry clothes on.

Not wanting to bother with cooking, she had Voyager beam down food for them and she had it ready when Addison came out of the tent and sat down by the fire.

Janeway handed her a plate of food, which Addison pushed around without actually eating.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on, Ensign?"

"No, ma'am."

"Well, it looks like we're stuck here for a little while longer until the Doctor figures out how to neutralize the virus. It seems like we only have two options. Either you promise me that you won't try to harm yourself again or I restrain you until we get back to the ship. It's your choice."

"You don't need to restrain me, Captain."

"You're giving me your word, Ensign? Can I trust you?"

"Yes, Captain. I promise."

Addison seemed resigned and the Captain felt she could trust her. Janeway let her go back to the tent and set herself up outside to get some work done. She had the ship send her down reports that she knew were sitting on her desk waiting for her, but found herself distracted when she tried to work on them. Instead, she called to the Doctor and requested that he send her some information from the ship's medical database.

She spent the next few hours reading material on depression among abuse survivors and suicide. By the time she finished, she felt she had a much better handle on what was happening with the Ensign.

Exhausted by the day's events, she crawled into her sleeping bag, ready for sleep. Before she closed her eyes, she lay there watching Addison sleep for a few moments. Even at rest, the woman's face was set with an expression of worry. Janeway, brought her hand up and pushed aside a piece of hair that had fallen into Addison's face, accepting the sense of protectiveness she was feeling towards the woman.

* * *

Once again, Janeway was woken in the middle of the night to sounds outside. Addison was gone and Janeway didn't waste a second getting herself outside of the tent, berating herself for trusting Addison.

But when she got out, Addison was in the same spot she had been the night before, with the herd grazing in front of her.

This time, Janeway made enough noise so she was sure the Ensign would hear her. She sat down and they both watched the animals for awhile.

Finally, Addison spoke, "I'm sorry, Captain. I never should have put you in that position today. I don't know what I was thinking. To be honest, I don't know what I've been doing for awhile, now."

The Captain didn't speak, guessing that Addison was ready to get things out on her own.

"You almost died today, because I failed to scan the area properly. You are the first person since I was a teenager who has treated me with respect and has acted like I am actually worth something. And I almost didn't protect you."

She stopped talking for a moment and Janeway had to force herself not to respond, yet.

"For awhile, I began to believe you when you told me I didn't deserve how Timmy treated me. And, coming down here, I could begin to believe there was life outside him. I've never told anyone this, but I hate living on a starship. I hate not being able to breathe fresh air and get away from everything sterile."

"But, the truth is, you were wrong. I almost got you killed. Because of me Timmy is in the brig. And, in the end, I'm stuck on a starship where I'm useless."

"I tried thinking differently, but there's no getting around the truth. I don't belong on your ship."

"Addison, you do belong with us. And I am going to tell you this until you believe it, but you don't deserve the way Ensign Meru treats you. What is it going to take for you to understand that?"

"I don't know if I can, Captain."

"Ensign, look at me." She took her hand and pulled Addison's chin so that she was facing the Captain.

"You don't deserve it. You deserve more. Do you understand? You deserve more."

Addison had trouble making eye contact and as she listened to the Captain talking, she felt tears start to fall on her face. Eventually, she was sobbing and Janeway took her into her arms and held her while she cried.

When the tears had stopped enough for her to speak again, she told the Captain the one thing she had never told anyone before.

"When I was growing up, I bounced around foster homes. Eventually, I ended up in a home in Washington State. The family was extremely wealthy and I had everything I could have ever wanted." She paused and her voice broke a little bit.

"But when I was eight, the father started molesting me. It only happened when nobody else was home and each time I would scream and fight, but I wasn't strong enough. I tried telling my foster mom but she didn't believe me. When I was twelve, I finally got the nerve to run away."

"I hitchhiked north and I was picked up by a man who lived in an intentional community in Alberta. He took me with him and I ended up living there for four years. It was the happiest I had ever been. The place was more peaceful than anything I had ever imagined. Of course, it wasn't perfect – people had arguments and you didn't have any privacy - but everybody cared for each other. There were some families, but mostly we were made up of individuals who didn't fit in elsewhere. There were other kids my age that didn't have homes. That's where I learned about living outside.

"When I was sixteen, our community was raided. I didn't know who they were, but they had weapons and they were mostly human and bajoran. When we were all rounded up, I watched every single adult get killed. The rest of us kids were taken off-planet and sold. I was sold with a friend of mine. Over the next year, I watched her get sicker and sicker. Then, one day, they took her away and I never saw her again."

"I couldn't protect any of them. Captain, there's no way that much bad stuff happens to one person if they don't deserve it."

Janeway was shocked at her story, though she hid it well, unable to comprehend that things like that could have happened on Earth. She pulled the woman in tighter.

"Addison, that's bad luck. It's not something you did. You were sixteen. You had no control and no choices. It wasn't your fault."

Addison shook her head in disagreement, so Janeway pushed her up into a sitting position and got on her knees in front of her.

"No. Look at me. It wasn't your fault."

She sat staring at Addison until the woman finally brought her eyes up to meet the Captain's. Once again, Janeway was shocked by their brilliant green color. In them, she saw Addison's need to believe her, to find acceptance and forgiveness for what she thought she was responsible for.

Janeway took Addison's face between her hands and before she could think about it, she pressed her lips softly against Addison's. The other woman didn't react, but continued to stare into Janeway's eyes. Finally, her mouth parted a little and Janeway captured her lower lip in between hers before pulling back.

"What was that for, Captain?"

"That was a physical reminder that you deserve some good. And that not everything in this world is bad."

Janeway stood up and offered her hand to Addison. She pulled her up and led her back to the tent, where she held the Ensign until they both fell asleep.

* * *

Janeway immediately regretted the kiss the next morning. She didn't know what she had been thinking, but she did know that it was completely inappropriate for her to kiss one of her crew members, no matter what the reasoning behind it was. In any other situation, if she weren't Captain of a ship, Kathryn wouldn't have been concerned. But now she wondered what it would mean for Addison once they got back to the ship.

Addison, though, accepted last night's gesture for what it was - a symbol of comfort. She greeted the Captain in the morning shyly, but without expectation. She felt an incredible burden had been lifted off her shoulders. And while her guilt hadn't lessened, it was a relief to have been able to share it with someone, finally.

She became nervous though when the Captain seemed subdued. Addison began to think that she must be horrified by what Addison had told her the night before. Now that the Captain knew what her past was like, she worried she must be seeing Addison for what she really was.

After breakfast was made, Janeway called to Voyager for an update. As expected, the Doctor had kept himself activated since the day before, working on the issue at hand.

The news was not good. They had contracted the virus via mosquito bite, a species that only seemed to exist on the northern continent, which is why none of the other away team members were affected.

The reason the transporter hadn't allowed them to beam aboard was because there was something in the atmosphere of the planet that was counteracting the affects of the virus, which currently lay dormant in their systems. Bringing them on board, however, would be fatal.

So far, the Doctor was having no luck developing a cure and suggested that the two women be placed into stasis while he continued his research. He wanted them there so that he could actively monitor their vital signs and have a way to see how the virus was interacting with their systems.

After Janeway finished speaking with the Doctor, she and Chakotay spent the next hour discussing ship's operations for while she was in stasis. Addison took that time to dismantle the tent and clean up camp. Their gear was transported to the ship and replaced by two stasis pods.

When Janeway had felt everything had been covered, she and Addison activated the pods and climbed in.

* * *

Janeway awoke to the sound of hissing air coming into the enclosed space. She took a moment to orient herself and then glanced over to see Addison in the other pod, eyes open. She pushed the glass top open and crawled out, muscles stiff with disuse.

"Sickbay to the Captain. This is the Doctor speaking."

"You brought us out of stasis, I assume you have news."

"Yes. Our sensors show your vital signs are normal. How are you feeling?"

"We're fine. How long were we in stasis?"

"A total of seventeen days."

"That long?"

"I wanted to exhaust every possibility of finding a cure."

"And?"

"I regret to inform you that I have not been successful. I have not been able to develop a counteragent for the virus and I have no other options to explore."

"I see, Doctor. I'd like to speak with Commander Chakotay." She glanced over at Addison, who was leaning against the pod with an unreadable expression on her face.

Janeway spent the entire day conferencing with Chakotay, Tuvok and her senior staff. Everybody had different ideas on what should be done, none of them feasible.

They all took another night to sleep on it, but in the morning Janeway made the decision nobody wanted. The ship would go on without them.


	6. Chapter 6

It took Voyager and the two women a week to come up with a supply list that was comprehensive and to transport the supplies to the surface. Janeway found it astonishing the things one took for granted when not needing to think about basic survival.

They were taking two replicators and spare parts for them. Energy would be an issue, though, so they also had to think about what items they could take from the ship instead of needing to replicate them in the future.

They decided they needed to gather their own food from the planet as much as possible and Kes sent down seedlings and plants from the aeroponics bay so they could start a garden. Addison also requested hunting supplies, although Janeway was skeptical about how effective they would be at that.

Clothes were sent down, along with fabrics to make repairs and additional outfits as needed. Janeway groaned at the sewing equipment and Addison just shrugged when she saw it, so that Janeway knew that responsibility would fall to her. Luckily, her mom had insisted she learn how to sew as a child, not wanting her to rely solely on replicators. She remembered complaining about it then. Now she was grateful.

They were given a large shelter and a shuttlecraft to use if they ever were able to leave the planet. Janeway had taken all the equipment she needed to continue her own research on how to counteract the virus. She hoped that eventually she would find a cure and somehow they would be able to meet up with Voyager again. She wouldn't allow herself not to leave that possibility open.

Because nobody from the ship could beam down, in person goodbyes were not possible. Janeway spoke to her senior staff via a computer terminal they had set up in their new home and also individually to Tuvok and Chakotay. Addison chose not to speak to anybody.

It wasn't until Janeway addressed the entire ship, just as Voyager had reached the edge of communications range, that Janeway felt the true weight of what was happening descend upon her.

She was no longer the Captain of Voyager.

For over a year she had been single minded in her purpose - getting Voyager back to Earth. She had let nothing sway her from that goal. She had always thought that she would succeed or that she would be dead trying. Never in her imagination would she think that she would be stranded in the Delta Quadrant while her crew went on without her. It was too painful to think about.

She turned to look at Addison, who had walked to the last of the supplies sitting outside the house and was organizing them.

The two of them had been one hundred percent focused getting prepared, that everything that had happened previously had been set aside. Now, Janeway was forced to think about the fact that the two of them were stranded on this planet alone.

She tried to wrap her brain around what that meant. It could have been worse. She could have been stranded with somebody who she didn't respect or who she didn't like. She knew that Addison was a hard worker and had skills to keep them alive in a situation like this. And, she was a good cook.

But she also worried about what had happened to them that night a week ago. What would Addison expect from her? They were used to interacting within a command structure. Would Addison want that to change? And how emotionally stable was she?

Janeway decided the only thing she could do was take it one day at a time and see how Addison acted. So far, the woman had been quiet, seeming to take it all in without reaction. She had been invaluable in putting together their supply list and her steadiness had calmed Janeway numerous times, although nobody on the outside would have known the Captain had needed it.

Addison, though, knew that the Captain was on the edge of losing it, if that were possible for someone as self-assured as Kathryn Janeway. Her voice and demeanor never changed from the normal calm-authority that she usually displayed, but Addison could see it in her eyes. Every once in awhile, Janeway would stop moving and her eyes would become unfocused.

She didn't blame the Captain, really. She had lost her ship and her crew and was stuck on a planet with an emotionally unstable woman who could never be her equal. Still, Addison tried her best to work hard and be as supportive as possible. That was the only thing she knew how to do.

* * *

Within two weeks of Voyager leaving the planet, Janeway and Addison had developed a routine. Addison would wake up first and make breakfast and coffee, although Janeway was trying hard to wean herself from it as they had to use the replicator to get the beans. After breakfast, Janeway would spend the morning working in the garden while Addison worked on projects around the house. She was surprisingly handy and had made a number of improvements that simplified their lives.

They had chosen to set up their house in the same spot they had originally set up camp. It seemed like an ideal location. They had direct access to water, were sheltered by the mountains to the north, and could easily make it to the ocean if they wanted.

The afternoons were taken up with Janeway's research on the virus. Addison had no interest in that and usually left to hunt. She set traps and also knew how to use a bow, which Janeway thought was fascinating. She would often check her traps after lunch, but go bow hunting in the early mornings, before breakfast.

To Janeway's surprise, she brought back game more often than not. She knew how to skin and cook it, too, and Janeway was worried she was going to gain too much weight eating Addison's meals. She didn't complain, however, since she hadn't had to make one meal since they had arrived on the planet.

Addison insisted on exercising everyday and so they continued their sparring sessions. Janeway would have been happy to give it up, but acknowledged that keeping fit was even more important now that they only had each other to rely on.

For a while, both of them were too exhausted in the evenings to do anything but go to bed with the sun. Janeway would lie in bed, her weary body aching for sleep, while her mind ran through scenarios of what was happening to Voyager without her or what she was missing in her research. It usually took her an hour or two to fall asleep.

After a few weeks however, their bodies adjusted to the different workload. Janeway felt her muscles becoming less fatigued as the days wore on and noticed that her body was developing a hardness that had never been there before.

For the most part, conversation between the two women never strayed far from day to day operations. They were often apart, doing separate things and the only time they were inactive was at meal times. The first weeks when they had been too tired, the lack of conversation was a relief. But as time wore on, it became more obvious that they were straining for a sense of normality.

To Janeway, Addison was a study in contrasts. On the one hand, she seemed perfectly content on the planet. She went about her routine with a lightness that indicated she was happy with the situation. On the other hand, she was extremely stiff around Janeway. She never joked with her, like she had when they first arrived, and never initiated conversation.

Janeway was sure it had something to do with the kiss, but felt too guilty about the entire situation to bring it up. The longer they didn't speak about it, though, the more uncomfortable the situation became.

Instead of confronting the problem, Janeway became engrossed in finding a way off the planet. Once the garden had been started and only needed time on its own to grow and occasional weeding, the Captain spent every available waking moment collecting samples and running tests.

Addison watched the Captain grow more obsessed with her research. It didn't take a PhD in psychology to know that she was warring with an array of emotions – anger at having to be left behind by Voyager, fear that she would be stuck on the planet forever, guilt that something would happen to the crew before they got home, and sadness that if they did get home she wouldn't be there to see it.

Addison respected the Captain's right to her feelings. Especially given Janeway's change of attitude towards Addison, she felt it wasn't her place to be questioning the woman's choices. Yet, Addison knew what it was like to be separated from those you considered to be your family. She knew how crippling guilt could be.

Addison had already accepted that they were probably going to spend the rest of their lives on this planet. She was actually content with it. She was happy to be off the ship and back in a place where she could breathe fresh air. She felt an enormous sense of relief that she didn't have to interact with so many people anymore. Now, she had alone time in spades. And she thrived on it.

She only regretted that she had been so open with the Captain about her past. If she hadn't, she might have been in a better position to help the Captain now. Still, she vowed to do what she could to raise the Captain's spirits.

* * *

The weather started to grow cooler, especially in the evenings, and the two women talked about what supplies they would need for the winter. They estimated that they still had another month before the first hard frost.

Addison began hunting more often, so that they could store meat for the cold season and Janeway began harvesting the vegetables that were ready.

After one particularly long day, the Captain was still working at her desk when Addison returned from the woods. Janeway watched the other woman begin dinner and then head outside where she heard her start a fire. Addison often enjoyed sitting outside by the fire at night before bed.

A few minutes later, she came back in, replicated a glass of wine, and took her food back outside, quietly leaving a plate on the counter for the Captain. Janeway noticed the weary look on Addison's face and so, after a moment of hesitation, Kathryn decided to join her with her own glass of wine.

It was a perfect evening outside with the moons rising above the horizon and the sky sharp and clear.

Neither of them spoke while they ate and when they were finished, Addison took their wine glasses in and refilled them. She handed one to the Captain when she came back to the fire and sat down, leaning back against her chair.

"How is your research coming along, Captain?" She hadn't asked about it in weeks, not wanting to bring up a touchy subject.

Janeway shook her head, "I'm no closer than I was when I started. I keep going in circles."

"I'm sorry, Captain. I know how much finding a cure means to you."

"But not to you, Addison." It was a statement, not a question.

Addison shrugged, "It's just another place to be, Captain. And this is as good a place as any."

"You know, Addison, I'm not a Captain any longer. You don't have to call me that anymore." Every time she heard the word, she felt a pain in her chest.

"You'll always be a Captain, ma'am. I'm not sure I could get used to calling you anything else."

Silence fell, at that.

Finally, Janeway spoke again, "How can you be so content with the fact that we might be here for the rest of our lives?"

"I don't have anything waiting for me at home, Captain. And I didn't have the responsibility you had, to the ship. That must be a great loss for you to bear."

Kathryn looked up at the sky, "A Captain is supposed to be with her ship until the end."

"You're going to have to let go eventually, Captain."

"Like you let go of the loss of your friends?" Janeway immediately regretted the words. She knew that the wine was making her looser with her words, but that had been uncalled for.

Addison recoiled a little bit, but then responded, "You're right, Captain. I haven't let go of it. But do you really want to turn out like me? Right now, we don't have a choice about the situation. Voyager is either going to make it home or they're not. The choice you do have is how you treat your time on this planet."

"You're saying that I should give up my research and move on?"

"No, Captain. By all means, continue your research. But I can see how your guilt and anger is eating away at you. All I'm saying is to let go of the negative feelings and be present here."

Janeway became quiet then and Addison didn't push any further. Eventually, she excused herself and went to bed. Kathryn stayed out awhile longer, before following.

* * *

The next day, Addison stayed home, wanting to work on some projects and needing a break from hunting. Immediately, she noticed that the Captain didn't go straight to her research. Instead, she asked Addison if she needed any help.

Together, they started building a small root cellar to store vegetables for the cold season. It turned out to be an unusually warm day and the work was backbreaking. They each took turns digging, while the other one hauled the dirt away.

Eventually, as the women got too warm, layers of clothing came off and Janeway was once again faced with a half-naked Addison, covered in sweat. Kathryn felt like a randy teenager, watching Addison, and had to force herself to stay focused on the task at hand.

They worked until lunch, when they stopped to grab something quick to eat. Once they had eaten, they continued through the afternoon until Janeway thought she was going to collapse. Fortunately, the sun was setting and they were able to use that as an excuse to stop.

Janeway threw herself on the ground.

"I'm too old for this!" She called to Addison, who had gone inside to start dinner.

"I thought age was a state of mind?" Addison teased when she came back out. She had some cheese, bread, and preserved meat, too tired to do anything more. She also had replicated a couple of bottles of beer, although unsure if the Captain drank beer.

"That's bullshit. Oh, good. Hand that beer over."

"You can have it if you act like an adult and come sit at the table."

"I can't. I'm too sore to move."

Addison made a fake noise of exasperation, put the food and beer on the outdoor table, and walked over to the Captain, offering her a hand. She pulled her up, Janeway groaning as she rose.

"I didn't realize you were so dramatic, Captain. Now I realize why we got into so many fights with other races on Voyager."

"Psh. I am always professional and diplomatic with other species. It wasn't my fault if I was misunderstood." She took a swig of her drink, more relaxed than she had been in weeks.

"Sure, Captain." Addison was laughing at her, but Janeway didn't have the energy to come up with a retort. Instead, she took a piece of bread and threw it at Addison, groaning again as her sore shoulder muscles protested at the action.

"Here, I can help with that." Addison got up from her chair and walked behind the Captain, pushing her hair out of the way. Their hands touched briefly as Addison laid her hand on Janeway's shoulder before the Captain pulled her own hand away. A jolt ran through Kathryn, but she didn't make a move to stop the other woman.

Addison's strong hands pressed down on Janeway's shoulders, slowly massaging the sore areas. Her hands were gentle but firm and they felt like heaven to the Captain. After a few moments, however, the touch got to be too much. She stood up abruptly and turned to look at Addison.

"Thank you, that feels much better." She struggled to maintain eye contact and she knew her cheeks were flushed.

"Of course, Captain."

"Well, I should be getting to bed. Thank you for the beer. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, Captain."

Addison knew that something had changed. She had also felt the electricity between the two of them and guessed that the Captain felt uncomfortable about it. Addison had been with many people in the past, both men and women, and knew when somebody else felt physical chemistry with her. She also knew that often had nothing to do with having emotional or mental chemistry.

The two of them were stuck on a planet together, with no sexual outlet but each other. Personally, Addison would have been fine never having sex again. But, she knew most people didn't feel the same way as she did. It wasn't fair to expect the Captain not to have those needs.

She spent a few minutes thinking about this all while she cleaned up and then she took the rest of her beer and sat down by the fire. She was still thinking when Janeway emerged from the house in her nightgown.

The Captain walked over to her and pulled a chair up so they were facing each other.

"We need to talk about this."

"Talk about what, Captain?"

"About the two of us. I think we should define some parameters."

"Why, Captain?" She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, getting her body closer to Janeway's. "I've seen the way you look at me. Your body is telling you something. Why is there any reason to limit yourself?"

Janeway looked taken aback, "You're suggesting that we have a physical relationship?"

"I'm suggesting we don't limit our options."

Addison stood up then and walked around to stand behind the Captain, raking her hand through the fine, reddish blond hair.

She leaned over and whispered to Kathryn, "There's no reason to fight this."

Kathryn began to turn to respond, but the fingers in her hair stopped her head from moving and Kathryn lost her concentration when she felt lips touch the top of her ear. A shock ran through her as Addison's teeth gently slid around the curve of the ear and nibbled on the bottom of her lobe.

"Addison, what are you doing?" Her voice came out huskier than usual and Janeway warred between wanting Addison to continue and needing to take control of the situation.

Her brain won and she forced herself out of the chair. She spun to face Addison, who had straightened up and had a serious look on her face.

"I only want to see you happy. You've been so miserable the last month. Please, don't let your sense of duty get in the way." She brought her arms out and gestured to everything around them before speaking softly. "This is all we have to live for now."

Her words pierced through Kathryn, who, for once in her life, found she couldn't find a response. She had been miserable, but hadn't realized it. The last time she had felt like this was when her father and Justin had died. Then, she had been so young that she hadn't been able to hide her devastation. Now, she realized, she had been trying to hide it, but had fooled only herself. Addison had seen through it.

She looked at Addison, a person who lived almost completely in the present. There was no doubt that her past influenced her present heavily, but the woman was a master at not dwelling and taking life for what it was.

Janeway immediately made her decision.

The moment Kathryn's eyes locked on Addison's, Addison walked forward and kissed her. It began softly, but quickly the Captain was pressing her body against Addison's. It felt like the floodgates had opened and Addison forced Kathryn's lips apart, pushing her backwards until they reached the door to the shelter.

She directed Kathryn into her own bedroom and sat her down on the bed. She took a step back and let her eyes wander over the Captain. Kathryn's cheeks flushed at the inspection and she started to get up, but Addison shook her head.

"Please, Captain, let me do this for you."

Her words stopped Janeway, who relaxed back down on the bed and smiled.

"I'm all yours."

Addison slowly undressed herself, starting with her shoes and outer layers and then slowly stripping off her pants and undershirt. Janeway watched her, once again marveling at what a perfect body the woman had.

When she only had her bra and underwear left on, she approached the bed and pushed the Captain's legs apart, kneeling in between them. Kathryn felt herself getting wet, just looking at the women on the ground in front of her.

Addison reached behind and grabbed Kathryn's waist, pulling her to the edge of the bed. The nightgown was covering the top of Kathryn's legs and Addison pushed it up so that it didn't impede her way, but didn't take it off.

The bed was low enough so that the two women were not quite face-to-face. Addison reached up and pulled Kathryn's face down to hers, kissing her mouth again, before making her way down her neck and to her shoulder. The nightgown was silky and the material moved against Kathryn's skin as it got trapped underneath Addison's mouth, making her feel more and more sensitive.

She gasped suddenly and arched her back when Addison reached up with a hand and caressed her breast with a fingertip. Addison studiously avoided the nipple, though, making circles around it, spiraling in and out until Janeway thought she was going to scream.

"Addison. Please." She said the words with a gasp, her breathing already erratic.

Addison looked up at her and smirked, but obediently brought her fingers closer until her thumb brushed lightly over the top of the erect nipple. A tingle shot down the back of Janeway's spine and she arched it again, impulsively trying to get herself closer to Addison's hand.

But, the hand was already gone, and instead Addison grabbed Kathryn's wrists and lifted her arms above her head. She let go of the wrists and when Kathryn held her arms there, Addison lightly caressed her way down the inside of the arms with the back of her fingernails.

Then, with a swift motion, she grabbed the bottom of the nightgown and pulled it up over the Captain's head. Janeway wasn't wearing anything beneath it and her skin was already sweaty with anticipation.

Addison pushed her all the way down on the bed and stood up before crawling on top and laying in between the Kathryn's open legs.

She started at the top again, kissing the Captain's mouth and chin and then the curve above her trachea. Kathryn's breathing got heavier as Addison's mouth got closer to her breasts and she squirmed when it took Addison too long to get there.

Addison looked up at her, smiling again, and Janeway almost got lost in those brilliant green eyes.

But then Addison lowered her head and took a nipple in her mouth, cupping the other breast with her hand, and Janeway lost all sense of coherency.

She moaned when she felt Addison's teeth scrape against the sensitive skin and then take hold and pull back. Another warmth spread between her legs and she brought them up and around Addison.

Addison sat back then and pushed out of the enclosed legs, rolling over so that she was lying next to the Captain. She propped herself up with one arm and then leaned her head back down to Kathryn's breast, but this time let her other hand roam further down Janeway's body.

She ran her fingers across Janeway's flat stomach and through the silky fine hair at the top of Kathryn's legs before testing further down. Kathryn was already beyond wet and Addison coated her fingers and rubbed them over Kathryn's sensitive clit. Janeway bucked a little, her body strung so tightly that even that small touch was almost too much for her.

Addison pulled away and shifted her body back on top of Kathryn's, so that one of the Captain's legs was in between her two legs. The sweat from Kathryn's body mingled with Addison's and the friction between the two was as tantalizing to Janeway as anything she had felt before. She had only been with other women a few times in college and forgot how soft they felt compared to men.

Addison brought her mouth down again and kissed Janeway's lips, before abruptly plunging her fingers deep into the space between the Captain's legs. The unexpected movement surprised Kathryn, who rose to meet the fingers, vibrations from her throat meeting Addison's tongue.

It had been so long since Kathryn had anybody in her, that she almost couldn't control her body. She concentrated on holding back her orgasm, wanting to make this last as long as possible. It wasn't easy, though, as Addison's fingers drove in and out of her, pushing up against the wall of her cervix every time they were completely embedded.

They got into a rhythm, with Kathryn lifting her hips off the bed and driving to meet Addison with every thrust. She felt herself sliding up the bed as the force of Addison's hands pushed her back, so she grabbed at the headboard, trying to hold her body in place.

Addison pushed herself down the bed and, while continuing the rhythm more softly, held Kathryn's hips in place with her other arm. Knowing how sensitive the Captain was, she lowered her mouth back down to her swollen clit and flicked her tongue against it. A whimper from above encouraged her and she moved closer, licking and sucking until she heard Kathryn's breathing catch.

When she knew Kathryn couldn't take much more, she reached up and tweaked the Captain's nipple, mouth still on her clit and fingers still inside her. Kathryn shuddered immediately and her body convulsed as her orgasm overwhelmed her. Wave after wave hit her and she stopped rocking to Addison's hand, instead pressing hard against it as her muscles contracted around the fingers.

Finally, as Kathryn started to come down, Addison pulled out and lifted her head up, softly rubbing around Kathryn's clit with her thumb to encourage the small aftershocks. She watched the Captain's face, which was tossed back, mouth open and eyes closed. When her body stopped moving altogether, Addison crawled up and kissed her one last time before lowering herself onto the bed next to her.

They lay still for a few moments before Addison got up and walked into the bathroom to wash her hands and face.

Janeway opened her eyes when she heard Addison return and studied her as she walked back over to the bed. She was even sexier with the sweat still glistening on her skin and the Captain already felt a stirring in her body again.

Addison curled herself on the corner of the bed, facing the Captain. Janeway finally noticed her own nakedness and got up to slide her nightgown over her body. She settled herself back on the bed and caressed Addison's face with her hand.

It was interesting – she finally felt like herself again. She felt her confidence returning and didn't feel off balance. Surprising, since she had just shared such an intimate moment with somebody who was a member of her crew. She rarely left herself so vulnerable to anyone, even with her equals.

"You're pretty damn good at that. If I had known, it probably wouldn't have taken me so long to give in." Actually, that was an understatement. Janeway had never responded that forcefully to somebody before. She also hadn't ever been with anybody that coordinated. Any past experiences paled considerably.

"Thank you, Captain." She seemed shy, after acting so forward over the past hour.

"I'd like to return the favor…" In fact, she should be exhausted, but being this close to Addison was making her itch to put her hands on the woman's body.

Addison smiled, "That's a nice offer, but I think you already wore me out. I'm not sure my right arm is every going to recover."

Janeway reached forward and pulled Addison towards her, letting her settle in her arms. She savored Addison's skin on her own and let her hand roam over the woman's torso and arms. She picked up Addison's right hand and massaged it with her own hands.

"Are you sure?"

But, Addison was already asleep. Kathryn pulled her in tightly, ordered the lights off, and laid her own head on the pillow. After that, she didn't even remember closing her eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

The change in the Captain after that was remarkable. She didn't give up her research, but she did become much more present in their daily lives.

She spent less time at her desk and more time with Addison. They worked on projects around the house together, took day trips exploring the area, and Janeway even tagged along on a hunting expedition. Addison tried to teach her, but the Captain turned out to be hopeless at archery. The foray ended with Janeway trying to shoot with the bow upside down and Addison on the ground clutching her stomach with laughter.

They spent a lot of their time exploring each other's bodies, as well. Janeway found that she couldn't get enough of the other woman and wanted to touch her all the time. It was almost embarrassing, how little control she had over her impulses. She had spent a lifetime learning to control them and in six short weeks she had let it all go.

She realized she didn't care.

Sex had never been so satisfying. Addison knew exactly how to push her buttons. The first night, Janeway had chalked it up to the year she had spent being celibate. Even for the week after that, she thought she just needed to get it out of her system. But, it turned out, she just liked having sex with Addison. She had never had someone pay so much attention to her; focus so much on what made her tick. It was intoxicating.

Every morning they woke up together and Janeway didn't want to get out of bed. When they were near each other, she always had her hands on Addison, stroking her hair or running her fingers along her arms or just making contact with her skin. She would wrap her arms around her from behind, as Addison cooked, until the woman would shoo her away. At night, they would sit by the fire talking, Addison resting in the Captain's arms.

It was actually these moments that made the Captain the most content. Addison was surprisingly literate about a variety of topics. She couldn't discuss warp field mechanics, but she was an avid reader and seemed to have a vast knowledge of many different cultures. They spent much of their time discussing their opinions about books and ideas. For somebody who initially came across as a pushover, Addison was extremely opinionated and she didn't let Janeway get away with much.

For Addison, the entire relationship was a new experience. At first, the constant touching was too much for her. None of her previous partners had been affectionate like that. The only times they touched her was during sex or when they hit her. It made her jumpy, not knowing when to expect the Captain to come up behind her or try to take her hand when they were walking. Eventually, though, she realized she liked it. It was oddly comforting.

After awhile, Janeway began trying to get Addison to call her Kathryn. So far, she wasn't having any luck. She chalked it up to being a habit that would be hard to kick, accepting that it would be a process.

The only thing that bothered Janeway was that Addison never allowed her to reach the highest level of intimacy with her. Kathryn never got below the belt. The minute that she tried, Addison would redirect her attention. Janeway didn't notice at first because Addison was so good at distracting her. But when Kathryn eventually figured out what she was doing, it became painfully obvious.

Finally, Janeway decided to get to the bottom of things. One evening, after they had finished dinner they were lying out in the field, stargazing. Kathryn rolled over so that her body was pressed against Addison's side and kissed the woman deeply.

When she pulled back she said, "Tonight is going to be all about you."

Addison propped herself up on her elbows and grinned, "Oh, yeah? Who says?"

"I do. You haven't let me once and I'm feeling a little bit like I'm losing out."

"Captain, I can promise you, you are not losing out. Here, let me show you."

She flipped over so that she was straddling Kathryn and, with a devilish grin, started to undo the buttons on the Captain's pants. A second later, her expert fingers were in Kathryn and touching her in exactly the spot that got her worked up the quickest.

But Janeway was ready for this and she pulled Addison's hand away and flipped her back over.

"No, Addison. I'm serious. Tonight is about you." She smiled at her and let her hands roam underneath Addison's shirt. Finally, she pulled the shirt off and started to pull Addison's pants off as well.

Addison lay there as the Captain undressed her and Kathryn could feel the woman's heart starting to beat faster. When the clothes were off, she brought Addison's hands above her head and held them there while she kissed her. With both wrists in one hand, she brought her other hand down Addison's body, caressing her neck and breasts and finally, placing her hands between her legs.

It was then that Addison panicked.

She screamed, "No!" and forcefully pulled her hands out of Janeway's grasp. She pushed the Captain away from her and stood up, stumbling away. She didn't stay on her feet very long, falling backwards as she kept the front of her body facing Kathryn. She didn't try to get up then, but curled up and was still, other than her heaving chest.

Janeway, almost too shocked, finally went to her. When she got closer, she could tell Addison was hyperventilating, her breathing not being helped by the mantra of words that was coming out of her mouth. Almost unintelligible, Janeway finally made out what she was saying.

Addison was repeating, over and over, "Please don't make me do that. Please don't make me do that."

Janeway sat down next to her and hugged Addison close to her body.

"I'm not going to make you do anything. Shh, I just want you to breathe. Okay? Just breathe."

They sat like that for what seemed like ages, but what was probably only minutes. Eventually, Addison's breathing slowed and she stopped mumbling. She was still shaking, though, and Janeway didn't let go of her.

Finally, as the night was turning cold and Addison was naked, Janeway decided to take her inside. She gathered her up and, not without difficulty, lifted her in her arms. She felt a little better when Addison wrapped her arms around Janeway's neck and rested her head on her shoulder.

When she got back to the house, she laid Addison on the bed. She went to get a heavier blanket and wrapped the shivering woman in it. She got back into the bed with her and spent the rest of the night holding her. She drifted off only after she could hear the even breathing that indicated Addison had fallen asleep.

* * *

Addison slept well into the next morning. When she woke, the heavy weight of the blanket, in addition to the Captain's arms around her, immediately made her feel claustrophobic. She pushed her way out of the blanket and hopped out of the bed, memories from the night before flooding back to her.

Janeway was sitting up and watching her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, Captain. I'm fine. I need some air." She rummaged through her dresser and pulled on some loose clothing and then left the shelter, with Janeway following her.

She walked out to the river and sat down, cross-legged. Janeway sat next to her and turned to look at her.

"Addison, we've been through this before. You can't pretend last night didn't happen."

Addison dropped her head, realizing there was nowhere for her to go. She had yet to win one of these arguments with the Captain, mostly because the woman was relentless.

"I wish you hadn't done that, last night. Things were going so well, why did you have to ruin it?"

"Addison, you won't let me touch you. That's not normal."

"It's normal for me! Why can't you just let it go?"

"You know me well enough that you know I'm not going to let it go."

"Please, Captain, I can't talk about this."

"That's bullshit, Addison, and you know it. Tell me what happened last night."

Addison was silent and for a while, Janeway didn't think she was going to speak. But she gave her space to consider and eventually it paid off.

"I respect you a lot, Captain. It makes me happy to be able to make you happy. And I'm so glad you have this physical connection with me. But I know how you feel about me, especially after I told you about my childhood. And there's no reason you have to feel an obligation to me."

"What do you mean, 'I know how you feel about me'?" Janeway was looking at her, perplexed.

"The morning after I told you, you wouldn't look at me. It's okay, Captain, it's happened before. It's hard to respect somebody who let those things happen to them and to those around them."

Immediately, Janeway felt a pit in her stomach. She had thought that Addison was feeling uncomfortable about the kiss. But, in reality, she had been reacting to Janeway's own unease about it. While Kathryn had been withdrawing, Addison had been assuming that she had been disgusted by her.

"Addison, no! How could you think that? I told you, nothing that happened to you in your childhood was your fault. None of it. You didn't let those things happen, they were forced on you. I wasn't reacting to that. I was uncomfortable because I had kissed you. And I thought that it was unprofessional and that it would cause problems. I'm sorry. I never meant you to feel that way."

Addison didn't respond and Janeway pulled her face towards her, "Please, believe me. You don't disgust me. In fact, it's the opposite."

"How can you say that? I let people use and beat me. For over half a decade all I did was have sex for money. I've never done anything worthy of respect."

Janeway couldn't believe she had let this happen. Addison had laid her past out for her. In fact, Janeway had forced it out of her. And instead of helping her confront it, she had wallowed in her own self-pity and let Addison's insecurities grow into something much worse.

"If you think I don't respect you, then why do you think I am sleeping with you?"

"Sex has nothing to do with respect."

"It does for me." Janeway started to put the pieces together and they weren't adding up.

"Addison, why were you having sex with me? If it wasn't because you wanted to and you feel I don't respect you, what was your motivation?"

"I've told you, Captain. You needed it. It makes me feel good to be useful."

A pit was growing in Kathryn's stomach. The truth was, she had grown up as a privileged child. Her friends were educated and came from upstanding families. Her life had consisted of one path – her track to Starfleet.

From the time she had entered the Academy to the time she became a Captain, her life had been so focused she had experienced little of the outside world. Sure, Starfleet had given her some unique opportunities, but all under the umbrella of their rules and protocols.

She had seen some horrific things, especially since arriving in the Delta Quadrant. But nothing had ever been this personal. She couldn't even begin to fathom the psychological trauma Addison had gone through for her mind to work the way it did.

She looked at Addison and said, "I never would have slept with you if I knew that's why you were doing it. I owe you an apology. I was only looking at what I needed. I never stopped to consider what you needed. That's going to change, okay?"

When Addison didn't respond, Janeway shifted to her knees and moved herself so that she was kneeling in front of the other woman.

"Look at me. We're going to fix this."

"There's nothing to fix." Addison just wanted the Captain to leave her alone. The woman knew nothing real about her past and wouldn't understand it if she did.

The Captain recognized a losing battle when she was in it. She saw the barrier that Addison had put up and decided she was going to have to come at this from a different angle. Words weren't going to cut it.

"Okay, Addison. If that's what you believe."

* * *

They retired to their own beds that night, for the first time in weeks. Unbeknownst to either of them, neither of them slept much.

In the morning, Addison got up to make coffee and they met in the kitchen. Normally, Kathryn would have kissed Addison or at least touched her, but now she kept her distance. She realized, looking back, that Addison never initiated contact unless it was to have sex.

Other than keeping her distance, though, the Captain acted completely normal. She inquired about what Addison was planning for the day and asked if she could join her.

They spent the next few days like this, going about their routine as if nothing had changed. Janeway had to consciously retrain herself not to touch Addison. It was as if her hands had a mind of their own, constantly inching their way towards the other woman. She felt a loss and was surprised at her reaction to the new lack of physical intimacy.

For Addison's part, she immediately regretted how harsh she had been towards the Captain. She couldn't allow the woman to get any closer, though. Already, Addison felt she had become more attached to the Captain than she would like.

Part of her had expected Janeway to continue wanting to sleep with her. To use it as a way to get Addison to open up more. Addison couldn't believe that Janeway had given up so easily. But, when all physical contact stopped, Addison had been even more surprised.

She missed it more than she would have liked to admit it. Even though Janeway was still with her in every other way, she felt more alone than ever. She missed the nonsexual contact the most, but was miffed to find that she also missed the sex. It didn't turn her on, per say, but it made her feel closer to the other woman.

She found herself dreaming of the Captain, naked and underneath her. Every night, she saw the Captain's face, thrown back and moaning for Addison. That face taunted her and she would wake up with a jolt and reach out to touch Janeway, taking a few moments before realizing she was alone in bed.

It took her less than a week to realize she wasn't satisfied with the new arrangement. She was more miserable now than she had been on Voyager. She decided she needed the physical relationship with Janeway, if only to fix the bad feelings between the two of them.

She found the Captain inside at her desk and watched her working for a moment before walking up behind her. She took Janeway's hair in her hands and pushed it to the side. The Captain stiffened and turned to look at her, but Addison had already bent her head and placed her lips on the Captain's neck.

"Addison, what are you doing?"

She took her mouth away from Janeway's skin and murmured, "I've decided that we both need this. I was being too stubborn to acknowledge it. Don't you miss it?"

"Of course I miss it, but that doesn't make it right." Janeway felt her pulse begin to race as Addison's hands came around to her chest.

"Addison, stop."

But Addison didn't and she continued to speak in the Captain's ear, "Why, Captain? We can both feel how your body reacts to it."

Janeway closed her eyes as Addison's fingers found her nipple, already erect, and pinched it between the folds of the cloth.

Abruptly, Janeway stood up, breaking the contact.

"So, what you're telling me is you're ready to have this be an equal relationship?"

"Equal, Captain? Nothing is ever equal. You of all people should know that."

Kathryn was getting mad, now. Mad that Addison had just assumed she could touch her body without permission, mad that she felt Addison was trying to use her, and mad that her body was reacting to it.

She walked up to Addison so their faces were only inches apart.

"If you expect to get me into your bed, then you should also expect me to take your whole body in exchange."

She pushed her against the wall and kissed her roughly, letting her hands slide down to the woman's hips. She took her knee and forced it in between Addison's legs until they parted. Her hand reached down and rubbed at the seam of Addison's pants. She heard Addison whimper, but ignored it, her anger fueling her actions.

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Her hand became rougher and she started to undo the button on Addison's pants.

Addison became limp then, the only thing holding her up the knee between her legs and the pressure of Janeway's body against hers. As soon as Janeway felt that, she forced her eyes to focus on the other woman.

Tears were running down Addison's face, but she wasn't making a noise. She seemed resigned and it was this that stopped Janeway in her tracks.

_What had she been thinking? Damn, what had just happened? _Her anger drained as quickly as it had come and she took a step back. Addison slipped down the wall and sat huddled at Janeway's feet.

"Oh, God. Addison. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She took another step back, unsure whether she should go comfort the woman, but not wanting to force her touch on her. Instead, she crouched down a few feet away from her.

Addison didn't look at her and Janeway panicked, convinced that she had ruined every bit of trust she had tried to build up with the woman.

But then Addison spoke and her words cut through Janeway. "No, Captain, I'm sorry. That wasn't your fault. I don't know what came over me."

"Addison, you may not have acted appropriately, but what I did was completely uncalled for." _What an understatement. _

"I draw it out of people. It wasn't your fault."

_Damn. Now she had really done it. _

"Please, Addison. Don't take one incident of abysmal behavior on my part to apply to the rest of your life."

"I just wanted some sense of normalcy. I thought I could handle it."

Janeway scooted forward and placed a hand on Addison's knee. The woman flinched slightly and Kathryn's heart sank in her chest.

"Addison, tell me why you're afraid to let me touch you."

Never before had Addison felt the need to talk about her past with another person. For the first time, though, something was prompting her to talk to this woman. She had already shared more than she would have liked, but still not the thing that ate at her the most.

Kathryn saw the hesitancy in Addison, which at least was better than outright refusal to talk.

"Please talk to me, Addison. Tell me what happened to you."

Addison felt everything bubbling up in her chest, uncontrollably.

"After those raiders came, I was sold to a man named Kufi. He was a pimp, but he only catered to high-end clients. So, when he bought new girls, he would teach them first, so that the clients would get something special."

"My only experience had been with my foster dad and when Kufi brought me to his room the first night, all I could remember was the last time it had happened. I remember screaming and fighting, like I had before, and when it was over, Kufi looked at me and said 'You'll learn to enjoy it'."

"In that moment, I vowed to myself that I would never enjoy it. The problem was, Kufi was good at what he did. He broke me down until I would do anything he asked. And after he had done that, he began to teach me."

"The first time I had an orgasm at his hands, I cried through the whole thing. After that, he taught me every possible way to give pleasure to both men and women, using my own body as an example. Every time he coaxed an orgasm out of me, I told myself it would be the last."

"And then, one day, I did it. My body turned itself off. Kufi beat me until I was unconscious. After that, I learned to fake it. I haven't felt pleasure during sex since."

"It was easier with clients, because they didn't care about what I felt. It was harder with boyfriends, in the years after I left Kufi. For the most part, though, as long as I was focused on them, they didn't notice. And, if they did, I would fake it."

"I didn't want to fake it with you, though. It seemed wrong."

Janeway could barely keep herself from wrapping Addison up in her arms as she spoke, but she stayed where she was.

"How long were you with Kufi?"

"About six years. He was arrested and I became homeless. My only chance was to find boyfriends who would let me stay with them. That was ten years ago. And then I met Timmy. He was actually the nicest of all of them."

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Janeway thought about what Addison had told her. She knew what she said next was probably one of the most important things she would ever say to the woman. The last time this had happened, she had made an error by not letting Addison know that she supported her. She wasn't about to make that mistake again.

"Addison, I can't imagine how difficult your life has been. I need you to know that nothing in your past affects how I feel about you. Apart from my previous horrendous behavior, I will do everything I can to prove that to you."

Addison nodded her head, accepting the words but thinking to herself that she would wait until morning to see how the Captain actually felt.

"I need you to understand something else, too. Nobody has the right to touch you like I did tonight. I want you to promise me something."

Addison looked at the Captain warily, "What?"

"If anybody ever tries to do something like that to you again, I want you to kick their ass. Including mine. Do you understand?"

"I don't know, Captain."

"Do I have to order you to obey?"

Addison smiled slightly, "No, Captain. You don't."

"Okay, good. I didn't want to have to. But I will if I need to."

They went to bed then, both exhausted by the events of the day.


	8. Chapter 8

When they woke up in the morning, Addison told the Captain that she wanted to be alone. It made Kathryn nervous, watching Addison walk off in the woods, but she decided she couldn't force the women to stay near her.

The day was hell for Janeway as she waited for her to return. She tried to work on her research, but found herself constantly getting up and walking outside to check to see if Addison was back. Finally, she gave up and spent time cleaning up their 'front yard'. Eventually, she settled herself at the table outside, reading a book so that she could watch for Addison's return.

The sun was just setting when Addison reappeared from the woods. She walked over to where Janeway was sitting and sat down in the chair next to her.

"Where did you go? You were gone for a long time." She couldn't help ask, wanting Addison to know how worried she had been.

"I went to the cliffs." The same cliffs she had once jumped off of.

Janeway's heart stopped beating for a moment and she had to remind herself that Addison was sitting next to her, so it was okay.

Addison could see from the look on the Captain's face that she had been worried. It only reaffirmed the decision she had made that day.

She had spent a lot of time thinking as she sat by the cliffs. Her first impulse had been to finish what she started the first time she dove off the edge. But then she thought about the Captain being left behind on this planet. She had almost cried thinking about how lonely the Captain would be. Then she thought about how she would feel if the Captain left her.

It was as if she had been hit by a shuttle. Despite her best efforts, she cared for the woman. It was too late. All this time she had been making excuses, but it really just came down to the fact that she had let her guard down.

It scared the hell out of her.

She looked at Janeway, who was still holding the book in her hands. The day was one of the first colder days and the Captain had on a vest and long sleeved shirt. Still, her cheeks were pink and her hands were turning white from the cold.

Without a word, she reached out and took the book from Janeway and then took the Captain's hands in her own, rubbing them together to create heat.

"You're cold."

Kathryn looked at her in surprise. It was the most nonsexual intimate thing Addison had ever done.

"Yes, I was just thinking of heading inside."

"Captain, can I say something to you?"

"Of course."

"I haven't been fair to you. I've spent my entire adult life trying to avoid forming connections with people. It may seem to you that I am clueless about why I act the way I do, but the truth is, I am conscious of everything I do."

"I realized that, these last few days, I've missed you." She paused, her voice catching. She had never felt this emotional before about another person.

"It's not your fault what's happened to me in the past. I've never had a physical relationship where I was the one who craved contact. This is all new to me and it's going to take me some time to figure out. To be honest, I'm not sure how much I can offer you. But I'm willing to try to figure it out, if you are too."

Addison's hands were still clasped around Janeway's and Kathryn pulled them away after Addison finished talking. She reached out with one of them and placed it on Addison's chest, just over her heart. It felt like it was going to beat right out of Addison's rib cage.

"That's all I could ever ask from you, Addison."

She leaned forward and pressed her lips against Addison's. She felt them warm as blood rushed to them. She parted her mouth and grabbed onto Addison's lower lip with her own.

She looked into Addison's eyes as she kissed her. She was used to seeing confidence while they were making love, but now all she saw was hesitancy and fear in them.

She pulled back and stood up, "Come with me."

Addison followed her inside, where the Captain led her into the bedroom.

"Lie down."

"Captain, it's too soon. I can't…"

"Trust me, Addison. Let it be my turn, now."

Addison looked skeptical, but did as she was told. She lay back on the bed and watched the Captain approach her.

"I don't know what you like, Addison. You know my body like a map, but I know nothing about yours. So, I'm going to explore and I want you to tell me when something feels good."

Janeway sat down on the bed next to her, still fully clothed, and touched Addison's shoulder. Addison jumped at the contact and Janeway shushed her, "It's going to be okay, I promise."

Addison licked her now dry lips, "I don't know, Captain."

"Kathryn."

"What?" Addison looked at her, confused.

"I want you to call me Kathryn. Now. No more 'Captain'."

"I don't think I can."

"Don't say that anymore. You can. Now, I want you to say, 'You're right, Kathryn. I can do it.'" Her voice was commanding but soft. She was running her hands all over Addison's body while she was talking.

Addison lowered her gaze for a moment but then looked back up at Janeway and stared directly into her eyes, "You're right, Kathryn. I can do it."

"See? That wasn't so hard."

Kathryn knew that she was pushing Addison, but she also knew that the thing Addison needed the most right now was the security that Janeway's confidence could offer.

Addison was watching Kathryn's hands as they roamed around, tensing every time they headed closer to her waist.

Kathryn kept her touch light, using the back of her fingers to caress Addison's shoulders, arms, and stomach. She didn't even approach the more private areas and didn't make a move to take off any of Addison's clothes.

As soon as Addison's muscles relaxed, Kathryn moved closer to her and began kissing her face. She started at her forehead and moved down to her nose and across her cheeks, and finally down to her chin, avoiding her mouth.

At the same time, she brought her hand up to Addison's neck and tickled the crevice between the collarbones. She stroked her way up to one of Addison's ear and she ran a finger up and down the edge.

"How does that feel?"

"It feels…nice."

Addison had closed her eyes and was feeling so relaxed that she was fighting off sleep. She felt Kathryn's hands around her arms and she shifted her weight as the Captain indicated she wanted Addison to roll over onto her stomach.

Kathryn positioned Addison's arms above her head and lay down on her side so that her breasts were pressed into Addison's side and her head was resting in the crook of Addison's shoulder and elbow.

She laid her free hand on Addison's back and lazily traced patterns between her shoulder blades and down to the top of her pants. She buried her face close in to Addison's and grabbed Addison's ear lobe with her teeth. She licked it and then spent some time just nibbling at it.

After a few minutes, Addison's breathing became steady and Kathryn knew she had fallen asleep. She got up and carefully removed Addison's shoes. She took off her own clothes, threw a blanket over Addison, and crawled in underneath next to the woman.

She was still a little bit tightly wound from the nerves she had felt earlier and she gave herself a few moments to come down from that before falling asleep.

* * *

Kathryn moved slowly over the next week, gradually acclimating Addison to the new relationship. It was amazing how relaxed Addison had seemed previously, when they had sex. Kathryn realized the entire thing had been an act. Now that Addison had invested herself, she was much more hesitant and shy.

Instead of pushing Addison quickly, Kathryn acted as if Addison had no experience at all. It took her two days to even remove any of Addison's clothes. And even then, she only took off her shirt. Addison's skin was so sensitive by that time she trembled at even the slightest touch.

For Addison, it was turning into torture. At first, Kathryn's touch had felt like no more than light pressure on her body. But as her skin became more sensitive to it and as she got less nervous, the sensation became pleasant. She became more aware of the Captain's body. It was always close to hers, but never imposing on her space.

She was surprised by how her view of the Captain changed as the week progressed. She had never minded touching the woman, but had done so with a mindset of it being like a job. Now, when she looked at Kathryn, it was like looking through a new set of eyes.

The Captain was beautiful. Her skin was pale and soft and Addison loved the way she could get goose bumps to rise wherever she touched. Before, she had let her hands slide through Janeway's hair without a thought. Now, she become fascinated with the way her olive skin contrasted with Kathryn's brownish red strands

It got to the point where Addison wished Janeway would impose on her. She started to feel stirrings that she didn't recognize. She wanted the Captain's hands on her at every moment and she became much more forward about letting Janeway know. During the day, instead of waiting for the Captain to approach her, she would touch the other woman anytime they were close to each other.

She finally got so frustrated that one night, instead of waiting for the Captain to initiate, she took her own clothes off and lay on the bed waiting.

When Kathryn walked in and saw Addison naked, she stopped and stared for moment.

Addison blushed and her body shivered slightly under Kathryn's gaze.

The Captain walked to the bed and said, "Show me what you want."

Addison pulled Janeway down to her, hungrily driving her tongue into the Captain's mouth. She grabbed one of Kathryn's hands and placed it on her breast, unwilling to wait for Kathryn to get around to it on her own. The Captain had been teasing Addison recently, getting close to touching Addison's nipples, but then moving away at the last moment. It reminded Addison of what she had done to Kathryn the first time they had slept together.

The second that Kathryn touched her nipple, Addison moaned. She was surprised how the feeling shot straight from her chest down to between her legs. She pressed her body hard against the Captain's, not able to get close enough to be entirely satisfied.

Kathryn raised herself onto her hands and knees, straddling Addison's leg so she could take Addison's other nipple into her mouth. She spent some time licking around it and sucking on it until Addison was squirming beneath her. Kathryn felt herself getting turned on by the urgency in Addison, finding it much more rewarding to see the woman personally engaged.

Apparently, though, Kathryn wasn't moving quickly enough, because finally Addison pressed herself down into the Captain's thigh, rubbing herself against it. Kathryn got even wetter at the image of Addison grinding so sensually against her.

"Kathryn, I need you in me."

Janeway almost came when Addison used her name. She knew it still made Addison uncomfortable and the only time she spoke it was when the Captain specifically reminded her to. This was the first time it had come out unbidden.

"Are you sure?"

"God, yes. I'm sure. Please."

But instead of entering her, Kathryn lowered herself even further and brought her mouth down on Addison. She licked in between her folds, tasting how sweet she was. Addison was wet, but not nearly as much as Kathryn thought she could be. She dragged her tongue from the bottom of Addison's opening all the way up to her clit and circled it. Addison writhed above her and Janeway had to grab her hips and hold them in place so that she could keep contact with her mouth.

When she stopped and looked up, Addison gave a cry of dismay.

Kathryn said, "Roll over."

"What?"

"Roll over and get on your knees."

Addison did as she was told then, even more turned on by the command in the Captain's voice. She got on her knees, resting the back of her thighs on her heels. She turned around and looked at Kathryn, who stared back at her. She was caught off guard by the care she saw in the Captain's eyes. A new warmth spread through her stomach and she realized how much she wanted this.

Kathryn knelt behind Addison and wrapped her arms around the woman, fondling her breasts. She kissed her neck and back and lowered herself down until she was licking just above the crevice where Addison's buttocks began.

She took her hands away from Addison's front and grasped at her hips, pulling them up so Addison was forced to put her hands down onto the bed. Addison automatically spread her legs wide, hoping that Kathryn would get the message.

When Kathryn's fingers brushed between Addison's legs, it was dripping wet. Now, she was ready. She entered Addison slowly, searching inside her. She heard Addison whimper and sigh.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes, it's perfect."

Kathryn started moving her fingers in and out using her other hand to pinch and play with Addison's clit.

Addison started moving against the hand, setting up a rhythm. It didn't take long until she was shaking and Kathryn moved over her, pressing her front into Addison's back. She put her free hand on top of Addison's, intertwining their fingers. She bit down on Addison's shoulder and a second later, Addison moaned. Her fingers curled and tightened around Kathryn's hand and her body shuddered. She panted hard as she climaxed and shook, the waves crashing through her entire body.

When it was over, Addison stopped moving and she hung her head between her arms, breathing heavily.

Kathryn removed her fingers from inside Addison and shifted to her side so that both of them fell onto the bed. They were still holding hands and she gently stroked Addison's back with the fingers on her other hand.

After a few minutes, Addison spoke, "I didn't know it could be like that. It was never like that before. It was almost painful, with him."

Janeway knew what she was talking about. There had been lovers in her past who had 'forced' orgasms from her before; getting off on the sense of control it gave them. She hadn't minded it, but in a sense, there was an element of pain to it.

Addison continued, "With you, it was…"

She didn't have the words. She had never felt so comfortable with another person and so willing to let go. She felt safe.

"Thank you, Kathryn."

Kathryn tightened her arms around Addison and pulled her in closer, fully content.

* * *

"Ugh!" Addison kicked the stove she was assembling and then swore when pain shot through her big toe.

"What's going on over there?" Kathryn looked up from stacking wood.

"Nothing. I just can't get this to work." They had decided it would be nice to have a wood stove for the winter and had replicated the parts, but needed to put it together.

"Do you want some help?"

With a sharp tone Addison said, "No, I'm fine."

Putting down the last of the wood, Kathryn walked over to Addison and put her arms around Addison's shoulders.

"Why don't you take a break? This doesn't need to be finished right now."

Addison didn't even look at the Captain, but shrugged away from her and said, "I don't need a break. I just need to finish this."

Kathryn didn't argue with her, but noted that this was not the first time over the past two days that Addison had been short tempered and cranky.

There had been a week of almost bliss after Addison had finally given herself to Janeway. Their physical relationship had reached a new level and they spent a few days so focused on each other that nothing else had gotten done. Eventually, they realized they had to get back to reality, but they still set plenty of time aside to be together.

Of course, it hadn't been entirely perfect. Addison still had moments of doubt and fear, flashing back to her previous life. They were able to work through those moments together, with Kathryn never pushing but also not allowing Addison to pull away.

This felt different to Kathryn, however. Addison's attitude didn't seem to do with insecurity. She was just in a bad mood.

Kathryn decided to leave her alone saying, "I'm going to go inside to do some work. If you'd like to talk about why you keep snapping at me, you can find me there."

It only took Addison a few minutes to follow Kathryn in. She sat down on the other side of the table.

"I haven't been the most pleasant company the last couple of days, huh?"

Kathryn shrugged, "Not particularly, no."

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm not used to spending this much time with another person. I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. Does that make sense?"

It did make sense to Kathryn. She also had gotten used to having an excess of alone time on Voyager. It had been an adjustment being around Addison all day, every day. But she found that she liked feeling Addison's presence in the background and she would use activities like reading or walking to satisfy her need for space.

Obviously, that was not enough for Addison.

"Tell me what we can do to fix that?"

"I think I need some time away." She answered quickly, making Kathryn guess that she had already thought about this.

"Time away where?"

"Maybe I can take the tent and go hiking. Would that be okay?" Addison wasn't used to doing things for herself in a relationship.

"Of course, if that's what you need." Kathryn didn't really want Addison to leave, but wasn't about to hold her back.

Addison seemed more relaxed after that and spent the rest of the day preparing for her trip, planning on spending two days and two nights away.

Kathryn spent the time worrying about all the things that could go wrong with the two of them separated. She kept reminding Addison of things that the other woman already knew, like which weapons to take and to remember to scan for potentially threatening wildlife.

She wanted to tell Addison she had to check in, but realized that might defeat the purpose of the trip. Instead, she settled on making Addison agree that she would call if she ran into any trouble.

The next day, after Addison had given Kathryn a quick kiss and had gone on her way, Kathryn felt lost. She wandered around the house for a while, not sure what to do with herself. It finally came to her that she was feeling insecure. Even though she understood intellectually that Addison needed alone time, she couldn't help but feel like Addison needed time away specifically from her.

She became even more frustrated when she realized where the insecurity had come from. She had always been in control of her feelings in past relationships. Now, she felt needy. It was unsatisfactory.

The two days crawled by. Janeway buckled down and tried to make the best of the time, knowing that it was good for her to get some time to herself also. She focused on her research, did some reading, and caught up on her sleep. Still, by the end of the second day, she was counting down the hours.

She went to bed early when darkness fell, finally falling asleep with a book on her chest.

She woke up in the pitch black with somebody's hand over her mouth. She tried to move away, but a strong hand held her down and rolled her onto her stomach. Her arms were wrenched around and tied together with something that felt like cloth.

Janeway's heart was beating furiously in her chest as she became more alert. She started to fight more effectively, kicking out with her legs and attempting to twist her body back around. She thought about Addison and wondered if whoever was here with her knew that there were two of them.

Her twisting brought both of them flying off the bed onto the floor. Surprisingly, her attacker, who was much stronger, pulled Kathryn in close, so that her body was cushioned as they fell. As soon as they hit the floor, though, Janeway found herself once again subdued. Then, she heard a whisper in her ear.

"Don't struggle. There's no point. You'll only hurt yourself. You're mine tonight. Do you understand?" The voice was low but recognizable.

The hand came away from her mouth and Kathryn said, "What are you doing?"

"Answer my question. Do you understand?"

"Addison, stop this."

"You're not the Captain anymore, Kathryn. Which means you can no longer give me orders. I'm in charge, now. Do you understand?"

Janeway considered her options. She could say no, keep the control, but not find out where Addison would take this. Or, she could give in. She had never let anybody dominate her before, not completely. She was a little bit intrigued.

Besides, Addison's hand was rubbing Kathryn between the legs and Kathryn was getting too easily distracted, now that she knew she wasn't in any danger.

So she nodded her head in the dark, "Yes, I understand."

Addison's hand tightened around her, "I understand, ma'am. Please address me appropriately."

Kathryn bristled but responded, "I understand, ma'am."

"Good girl. Stand up." Addison had risen and was standing over Kathryn.

Kathryn tried to get up, but couldn't get the right balance with her hands tied behind her back.

Addison didn't help, instead watching her struggle. Eventually, though, Kathryn was able to get to her feet. She was glad it was dark because she was sure her face was red with embarrassment.

She stood still as Addison walked around her. Addison trailed her hand across Kathryn's cheek and stopped once she was standing at her back.

She undid the bindings around Kathryn's wrists and rubbed them softly to get the circulation going again.

"Take off your clothes."

Kathryn slowly unbuttoned her shirt and pulled it off, dropping it onto the floor next to her. Then, she undid the drawstring of her pants and let them drop off her hips.

As soon as Kathryn was undressed, Addison tied the cloth around Kathryn's eyes, blindfolding her. She walked over to the wall, manually turning the lights up, just brightly enough so that she could see Kathryn's silhouette.

She walked back, quietly. Kathryn jumped when she felt Addison's breath on her neck, not knowing she had gotten that close. Her skin tingled when Addison's fingertips trailed down her spine.

Addison took her foot and pushed at Kathryn's feet until she was forced to spread them apart, her stance wide. Otherwise not touching her, Addison reached between Kathryn's legs, testing to see how wet she was.

As soon as Kathryn felt Addison's fingers press into her, she leaned back, wanting their bodies closer together. Immediately, Addison smacked one of Kathryn's buttocks with the flat of her hand. Kathryn inhaled sharply, her ass stinging.

"Did I tell you to move?"

"No, you didn't."

Another smack, on top of where the last one had landed.

"No, I didn't what?"

Kathryn gritted her teeth, "No, you didn't, ma'am."

"That's right. You will not move or speak without permission. Is that understood?"

"Yes, ma'am." Surprisingly, Kathryn could feel warmth spreading between her legs as she responded to Addison's commands.

Addison pushed Kathryn forward, bending her at the waist when she reached the bed so that she was lying face down with her ass sticking out towards Addison. She ran her hands over the smooth skin, teasing Kathryn as she lightly brushed over her opening, but not using any pressure.

Soon, the teasing got to be too much for Kathryn and she tried to shift her hips closer to the fingers. This earned her another smack and she was sore enough from the previous slaps that she let out a small grunt this time.

Instantly, Addison leaned over the top of Kathryn and stroked her hair, murmuring in her ear, "Is this too much for you?"

Her voice was a mixture of concern, sensuality, and command and it turned Kathryn on even more.

"No, ma'am. It's not too much."

But, still, Addison kneaded the red area that she had just hit, smoothing away the soreness.

"Get on the bed."

Kathryn crawled up, fumbling a little bit since she couldn't see. Addison helped guide her and when she was settled, she rolled her over onto her back. She lifted Kathryn's hands above her head and pressed them into the pillows, her slender fingers from one hand capturing Kathryn's slim wrists together.

With her other hand, she traced the outline of Kathryn's nose and brought her fingertips to Kathryn's mouth, rubbing them along the crevice where her lips met. She applied some pressure and Kathryn opened her mouth slightly, allowing Addison's fingers to enter. Addison explored Kathryn's mouth until she finally placed her fingers on Kathryn's tongue. Kathryn immediately began to suck on them. Addison let her for a few seconds and then lowered her head to Kathryn's lips, sliding her fingers out and replacing them with her tongue.

She spent a few more moments letting her tongue travel along the inside of Kathryn's mouth, caressing her lips against Kathryn's, until Kathryn started responding and tried to use her tongue to feel Addison in return. Addison pulled back then, punishing Kathryn by removing the touch.

Kathryn groaned and let her head fall back onto the bed.

Addison reached over to the side of the bed and picked up a piece of rope that she had left there earlier and used it to tie Kathryn's hands to the headboard.

Then she hopped off the bed, quickly stripping off her own clothes.

When she came back, she straddled Kathryn, her knees on either side of Kathryn's head.

As soon as she took a breath, Kathryn knew what was happening. She raised her head again, taking in the scent.

"You're quite the slut, aren't you?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And what do you want?"

"I want to taste you." Kathryn was having no problem getting into the role now.

"Please."

"I want to taste you, please."

Addison lowered herself down and Kathryn immediately reached out with her tongue, running it along Addison's folds. She brought her head forward even more, so that she could suck on Addison's clit and spent a few minutes exploring inside of Addison.

As she was doing that, Addison reached behind her and fondled the Captain's breasts. She heard Kathryn moan, the vibration from her throat causing a surge of wetness to emerge from Addison's legs.

Kathryn was getting more aggressive with her mouth now and Addison knew she wasn't going to last much longer, so she took her fingers and swiftly entered the Captain, plunging her fingers in as far as they would go. She moved her fingertips around a little, until she found the right spot and pressed against it, causing Kathryn's body to lurch, disrupting her concentration.

Addison started pumping in and out of the Captain then, rotating her own hips in time to her hand movements, pressing herself against Kathryn's face.

Kathryn moved her lower body against Addison's fingers, matching her tongue movements to Addison's hand movements. Her hands strained against the restraints, causing another jolt through her body, as she realized just how much she had given up control. As the rope tightened against her skin, she started to come, forcefully.

Addison, feeling the rush of fluid from Kathryn and the muscles start to contract around her fingers, reached with her free hand and pulled off the blindfold.

"Open your eyes, I want you to watch me while you come."

Her words sent yet another shock through Kathryn's body and her already violent orgasm became even stronger as she stared into Addison's eyes. She finally threw back her head, unable to keep any control of her body as the waves hit her.

When it finished, she collapsed into the bed, completely spent. Addison sat back and studied Kathryn's naked, exhausted body tied to the bed before reaching up and undoing the bindings.

Kathryn peeked up at Addison, realizing that she hadn't finished. She brought her hand down between Addison's legs.

"May I?"

Addison nodded and it only took a few seconds to bring Addison to her own climax.

When they were both satisfied, Addison wrapped her arms around Kathryn's body and spent a few minutes softly kissing Kathryn's neck and arms. She finally settled her head on Kathryn's shoulder.

"I missed you. I couldn't wait til tomorrow to come back."

"I'm glad."

"Was that okay? I didn't know if you would like it."

Janeway laughed, "Oh, I think we could both tell that I liked it. Maybe you should go away more often, if this is the outcome."

Addison smiled sleepily, "I have to admit, I really needed to get away. But coming back to this…it's extremely satisfying."

They lay in each other's arms awhile longer, until the sweat from their bodies cooled and they got cold. They forced themselves to move under the covers, where they both drifted off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

"Voyager to Captain Janeway. Please come in."

"Chakotay to Captain Janeway. Can you hear us?"

Janeway sat up groggily, confused by the voices. Had she been dreaming?

"Captain Janeway, this is Commander Chakotay. Are you there?"

Sun was streaming in from outside, indicating that it was late in the morning. Kathryn looked over at Addison, who was also in the process of sitting up.

Finally, Janeway fumbled around at the nightstand, grasping at her commbadge.

"Voyager, this is Janeway."

"Captain! It's good to hear your voice. We're currently on our way to the planet with an antidote for your virus. We're about three days away. We contacted you as soon as we were in range."

Kathryn shot a look at Addison, who was staring at her in disbelief.

"That is good news, Commander. I'll look forward to hearing more details."

Janeway chatted for a while longer with the Commander, eventually leaving the room to get some privacy. When she signed off, she sat at her desk, stunned.

She hadn't realized it until now, but she had given up hope of getting off the planet. Sure, she had continued her research, but it had been half hearted. She had been so focused on Addison, recently, that it hadn't seemed like a priority.

And now, in three days, she was going to have her ship back.

She heard a noise behind her and turned to see Addison emerging from the bedroom, fully clothed. Janeway was still naked.

It seemed indecent, somehow, and the Captain blushed. She got up and went to her dresser, hastily throwing on some clothes.

"So, Voyager came back for us?" Addison spoke without inflection and Janeway couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Yes, they got an antidote from the Vidiians."

"That's good news." But, Addison turned away as she said this, leaning against a window and staring outside.

"Addison…" Kathryn walked up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder, but Addison moved away and walked out the door.

Janeway sighed, unsure whether or not she should follow. When Addison didn't come back immediately, though, Janeway did go outside. She found her at the 'shooting range', an area Addison had set up to practice with her bow. She was standing about 40 meters from the target, rapidly firing arrows as quickly as she could pull them from the quiver. The center of the target was shredded and there were so many arrows embedded that the new ones that were shot were striking the old ones and careening off into the woods.

"Addison, please stop. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about."

Kathryn knew the opposite was true. There was everything to talk about. But both of them knew that it didn't matter what was said. It wouldn't change anything.

"We have three days. Let's make the best of it."

Addison stopped at those words, turning to look at Kathryn.

"Three days."

* * *

They did make the most of the three days. They spent much of their time packing and undoing what they had spent the past few months building. But every time they came near each other, their touches would distract them.

They made love as if they were starving.

They never spoke of what would happen after the three days, both choosing to live in the moment.

The last day, when mostly everything had been packed, Janeway transported both of them to the cliffs on the beach, where they had first found out they were stuck on the planet.

They walked along the beach, hand in hand, not speaking. When they reached the top of the cliff, Kathryn turned to Addison.

"You're not coming back to Voyager, are you?"

Addison didn't look at Kathryn, but responded right away, "I haven't decided yet."

"Is there anything I can do to sway you towards coming with me?"

There was, but Addison knew Kathryn couldn't offer that.

Instead, she said, "No."

When they got back, Addison made their last dinner and when they finished eating, she pulled out the ingredients for s'mores. Kathryn smiled and they roasted the marshmallows together, both of them laughing when Kathryn still didn't have the patience to not burn hers.

When dinner was over, Addison built up the fire and turned on some music.

"I was hoping you would dance with me." She reached out a hand to Kathryn, who looked up at her in surprise. "I want to be close to you."

Kathryn let Addison pull her up and she settled into Addison's arms, resting her cheek on Addison's shoulder. She knew this was the last time she would show this vulnerability to Addison or herself.

They rocked back and forth together, Addison finally leading Kathryn inside, where they gently made love.

They fell asleep clutching each other tightly.

* * *

When Kathryn woke, Addison was already gone from the bed. She got up and pulled her uniform on.

Out in the kitchen, Addison also had on her uniform and was closing up some of the last boxes.

She turned when she heard Janeway, "I packed the rest of the boxes, Captain. We should be ready for transport."

Her words struck Janeway as if she had been hit, but she forced herself not to react.

"Very good, Ensign." She took a step towards Addison and then stopped herself. "You said 'we'. And you're wearing your uniform. Does this mean you're coming with us?"

Addison looked down and said quietly, "I can't leave you. Even if I can't have you."

Chakotay's voice broke through then, "Chakotay to Captain Janeway. We are ready for transport when you are."

"Understood, Commander. Please give us a few moments."

They both walked outside and took one last look around. Janeway turned and faced Addison.

"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up."

* * *

The transporter room was packed with people; a cheer erupting from the group when Kathryn and Addison materialized on the ship. The two women had been administered the antidote during transport and it had apparently been successful. Otherwise, they would have ended up back on the planet.

Chakotay stepped forward first, a big smile on his face.

"Welcome aboard, Captain."

Janeway walked up to him and grasped his upper arms with her hands.

"It's good to be back, Commander."

She turned to Tuvok and kissed him lightly on each cheek, "I've missed you."

"As I have missed you, Captain."

The entire senior staff was there, standing at attention but grinning broadly.

Janeway looked them over and said, "At ease. I didn't expect such a formal greeting."

Chakotay walked up behind her, "Well, we don't want you to know that we let the ship go to the birds while you were gone, so we're hoping the theatrics will distract you."

Janeway laughed and responded, "Okay, well if that's the case, we'd better get back to work. I'll expect reports from each of the department heads on the status of the ships systems, by morning. Please see to it that the rest of our belongings on the planet are transported to the ship. I'd like to sit down this afternoon and review the personnel schedule, including getting me back into the bridge duty rotation."

She turned to Addison, who was still standing on the transporter pad with an unreadable face.

"Ensign, take a few days to get reacclimated. After that, please check in with Lieutenant Tuvok on getting back on the security schedule. Commander Chakotay, I assume that you've assigned new quarters to the Ensign. Can you see to it that her belongings get transported there? Is that satisfactory, Ensign?"

"Yes, Captain."

Addison and the Captain had not talked specifics about returning to the ship and Timmy Meru had not been brought up once. While still on the planet, Janeway had spoken with Chakotay about the status of Meru. He had served out his sentence in the brig and had professed his desire to change his behavior. They had not had a problem with him since. Still, Janeway assumed that Addison would not return to living with him.

"Okay, everybody. Let's get back on track and make up for some wasted time. Dismissed."

The entire team filed out of the room, leaving only Kathryn and Addison and the transporter chief. Addison still hadn't moved from the transporter pad and was seriously considering asking the chief to send her back down to the surface.

It really hadn't been a decision, initially, whether or not to come back to the ship. She did not want to be away from Kathryn. But in the five minutes since they had arrived on Voyager, Addison saw that it was going to be much harder than she had imagined.

Janeway saw the indecision warring on Addison's face and longed to walk up to her and hug her. They weren't alone though and even if they had been, Janeway knew that the moment they stepped foot on Voyager new lines had been drawn.

Instead, she said, "Ensign, we'll both need to debrief. When you see Lieutenant Tuvok, he will go through that with you. Only items relevant to ship's operations need be discussed. Understood?"

Addison understood clearly, "Yes, ma'am. Understood."

"Good."

She paused, uncomfortable with leaving Addison standing there, but unsure what to do next.

Addison solved the problem herself by stepping down from the pad and walking towards the door.

"Ensign, would you care to meet me for lunch after you're settled in?"

Addison paused and nodded before leaving.

* * *

The Captain threw herself into her work immediately, even though Chakotay suggested she take a few days to readjust to life aboard Voyager. She wanted to get herself up-to-date on everything that had happened and any changes that had been made while she had been gone and didn't see a need to sit around doing nothing. Technically, she had just had a three-month vacation.

She spent most of her hours on the bridge or in her ready room, catching up on reports. When she wasn't in one of those two places, she roamed the ship, making sure to talk with every member of the crew. She knew they needed to know that she was the same person as when they left her.

She avoided her quarters studiously after she found it hard to be alone after so long. She took to spending the nights in her ready room, working from her couch while taking catnaps when she got too tired.

She felt fortunate that her rank allowed her privacy regarding her time on the planet with Addison. The only person who asked her about it was Chakotay, who she had dinner with the second night she was back.

He had invited her to his quarters and made dinner for the both of them. She remembered what a calming aura he had and she let herself relax a little as soon as they sat down at the table.

At first, they kept the conversation on ship topics. It took him a while to get her abreast of all the gossip and he had her laughing through most of it.

Finally, though, he rested his elbows on the table, leaned forward and said, "Okay, Kathryn. Your turn. What was it like down there? We both know you're not a big fan of roughing it. And Ensign Blake wasn't the most mentally stable crew member to get stuck with."

Janeway didn't like the way he categorized Addison, but forced herself to disregard it, reminding herself that he was coming from an entirely different perspective.

"It was surprisingly okay. Ensign Blake was an asset down there. She was able to fix almost anything and she was a fantastic cook which, as you can guess, was lifesaving." She smiled, keeping her tone light.

"What was it like, being stuck on a planet with only one other person for company?"

He was the only person on the ship who could ask that, but still Janeway wished he hadn't. She didn't want to think about the planet. Didn't want to think about Addison. In fact, couldn't allow herself to.

Instead, she smirked at Chakotay, "It was just life. It was an adjustment, but overall, surprisingly easy to fall into a routine, just like here on the ship. I'm sure that if anyone actually knew what our lives were like there, they would find it all incredibly boring." Not true, but it was what she needed to say.

"Now, I thought you told me that you were going to make dessert. Or was that just a ruse to get me to come to dinner with you?"

Janeway and Addison met for lunch four days after they arrived back on the ship. Janeway had enough catching up to do that, other than dinner with Chakotay, she had barely taken a break to eat since her return.

Addison had taken a day to arrange her new quarters and then had sought out Lieutenant Tuvok as soon as she was able. He got her back on the duty roster and she started working the next day.

A few people had stopped by to welcome Addison back, but for the most part, she was left alone. It was at meals when she was most popular, everybody wanting to know what it was like to be alone with the Captain for that long. They came to her in groups, not wanting to look like they were prying too much, but were far more obvious than they knew.

Addison gave them nothing, however, and pretty soon they stopped asking her, once again commenting on how standoffish she was.

Nobody bothered the two women when they arrived at the mess hall, although there were many eyes watching. Janeway couldn't believe how much energy the crew spent speculating on what form the Janeway/Blake relationship had taken and how it would differ now that they were back on the ship. She had already heard whispering about it, but she was relieved that none of the rumors were even near to hitting reality. Nobody even considered that the two women would strike up a physical relationship.

Janeway and Addison hadn't spoken since the transporter room and there was an awkward silence as they sat down.

"You look thinner, Captain. Have you been eating?" Addison thought that Janeway looked haggard. A far cry from the healthy glow she had while on the planet.

Janeway waved her hand in dismissal, "I've just been busy. And now that I don't have your cooking, I don't have as much incentive to find time to eat."

Addison didn't say what she would have liked to – that she would still cook for her, if she were asked.

"And you? Do you like your new quarters?"

"Yes, Captain, they're fine."

Another uncomfortable silence ensued and Addison found she couldn't stop looking at the Captain's hand, resting on the table. Every instinct she had wanted to reach out and touch it, to once again hold it in her hand.

She wanted to tell the Captain how lonely she felt without her. How she hated sleeping alone and how the stale, recycled air on the ship was making her feel sick. She wanted to yell at her for not being able to change the situation.

Abruptly, she stood up and said, "I can't do this, I'm sorry. It's too hard."

She turned and left, forcing herself not to run out the doors. Janeway watched her leave, knowing exactly how Addison was feeling. She didn't let her emotions show, though, and calmly stood up, cleared both of their plates and went back to work.


	10. Chapter 10

After that, Addison grew less happy with her job. Three days after her lunch with the Captain, she was assigned to a detail watching over a negotiation between Voyager and an alien ship they had encountered. Janeway had offered Voyager's conference room as a meeting place and Addison spent two days standing behind the head alien's chair, looking directly at the Captain.

As the negotiations progressed, Janeway became more engrossed in what she was doing and Addison became enthralled with watching the woman. She moved her hands a lot when she was negotiating, yet kept her facial expressions neutral, unless it would be to her advantage to do otherwise.

Janeway never looked at Addison, though, not even acknowledging that she was in the room. Addison didn't expect her to, but still it hurt.

The next day, Addison went to Tuvok and requested to be transferred back to gel pack duty. He declined her request, but she fought so vehemently that he agreed to bring the matter to Chakotay's attention.

Chakotay, in turn, decided to talk to Janeway about it, considering that she had spent the last three months with the Ensign.

As soon as Kathryn heard Addison's request, she wasn't surprised. Having Addison in the room during negotiations had been almost too distracting for her to concentrate on her job. She had seen Addison watching her and had to use all of her self-control to keep on task.

She had thought about asking Tuvok to assign somebody different for day two, but didn't want to have to come up with an excuse as to why.

Janeway knew it was a bad idea for Addison to switch jobs. It would take her away from people and isolate her even further. But, she wasn't going to be the one to tell Addison she had to continue working in close proximity to the one person that made her feel the most uncomfortable.

She approved the request.

After that, Addison's time took on a kind of monotony, similar to her first few months on Voyager. She spent her days in the Jefferies tubes, trying to think of anything but the Captain. She spent her evenings trying to fall asleep. The difference was, before she had been content with the status quo. And she had at least had Timmy to distract her. Now, she dreaded every minute of her life.

At night, during the few hours that she slept, she dreamt of being back on the planet, always waking up wishing she had decided to stay.

* * *

It became noticeable to everyone on the ship that the two women were avoiding each other. The gossip had gotten around quickly after their lunch had ended so abruptly and now they hadn't been seen together since. It was odd that the two women had spent months together, yet hadn't spoken to each other since they had returned to the ship.

Most people chalked it up to Addison's apparent chilly demeanor. They figured that she had been difficult to live with and the Captain was glad to be rid of her. Those closer to the Captain worried that something was bothering her. She seemed different since arriving back on the ship and while it was to be expected that there would be an adjustment period, both Chakotay and Tuvok felt that something was off.

Kathryn knew that something had to change. She thought maybe time would help, but she only felt sicker as the days progressed. She wanted to talk to Addison, but at the same time dreaded seeing her.

She was heading to engineering one day when she ran into Addison in a turbolift.

Addison looked at Janeway and nodded her head, saying "Captain" before turning to stand silently.

A moment later, the other passengers got off, leaving the two women alone together. The silence was obviously uncomfortable for both of them and eventually Janeway got up the courage to say something.

"Computer, halt turbolift."

Addison turned around in surprise, "Captain?"

"I just wanted to check in, Addison."

"Why?"

"We went from spending every moment together to not speaking at all. I think we can find a better balance."

"You mean, people are noticing that we haven't spoken in almost two weeks and you're worried how it looks?"

"Addison, that's not what I was thinking."

"It's okay, I understand. Just let me know what you would like me to do. I should get back to work, Captain, if that's okay."

She turned back to face the front of the lift and waited for Kathryn to tell the computer to resume.

Janeway stood there for a second, surprised by Addison's reaction. But she wasn't ready to give in.

She walked closer to Addison and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Addison. This is hard for both of us."

"Please stop, Captain. I already told you, I can't. Computer, resume turbolift." She pulled away from Janeway and stood silently for the rest of the trip.

* * *

It took Timmy almost two weeks to seek Addison out. He had been waiting for her to come to him, but when she didn't, he came to her quarters one night and asked to come in. Addison had no bad feelings towards him, in fact, wasn't sure what would happen now that he was out of the brig and she was back on the ship.

He sat down on her couch, without asking, and proceeded to talk about how sorry he was for the way he had acted towards her. He realized how wrong he had been and was devastated when he had found out they were leaving her behind on the planet.

He missed her, he said. And then he leaned over and kissed her.

Addison studied the kiss as it happened, interested to see how she felt about it now that she had experienced Kathryn. She found she was neither repulsed nor turned on by it. His lips felt different than the Captain's. They were rougher and she had forgotten what it was like to kiss somebody with a shaved face.

After they pulled apart, he got up and asked her to think about getting back together with him. When he left, Addison did have to admit to herself that he seemed different. Less pushy. Less angry.

A few days after that, he invited her to dinner and she accepted. They met in the mess hall and sat in the corner. Timmy talked almost the entire time, which was fine for Addison. She found she could half-listen and still effectively tune out the rest of the world. It was a little bit like being in a vegetative state, which was fine with her.

They had finished eating dessert and Timmy had just taken Addison's hand in his own, holding it lightly, when the Captain walked in.

Janeway saw the two and immediately felt anger rise to her chest. But then she hesitated, unsure of what to do. Her instinct was to turn around and leave, but knew that would look suspicious.

Neelix intercepted her then and she was saved from having to make a decision. He handed her a cup of coffee and she headed to an empty table, avoiding looking in Addison's direction again by engrossing herself in a PADD.

A few minutes later, she was startled to find somebody standing over her.

"Captain, I hope you don't mind the interruption, but I wanted to apologize."

Ensign Meru was looking at her attentively with Addison standing just a short ways behind him.

"Apologize, Ensign?"

"I never got the chance to apologize to you for my behavior a few months ago. I realize now how out of control I was and I have done a lot of work to change."

He turned and gestured towards Addison, "And I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of Addison while you were away. I feel so grateful that I'm being given a second chance to prove myself to both of you."

It was all Janeway could do not to dress the man down right there. His words were ingratiatingly fake and completely inappropriately timed. It was a smart move on his part, though. He got the advantage of showing others he had humility while at the same time putting her in a position where she would be forced to be gracious.

She wanted to tell him that she didn't take care of Addison for his sake and, in fact, Addison took care of herself. She wanted to slam her coffee mug into his face to drill into him that he didn't deserve Addison and never would.

Instead, she smiled up at him and said, "It's Addison you should be apologizing to, Ensign. I certainly hope that you have been able to learn from your past mistakes."

She stopped there, afraid to keep talking in case something was said that she would regret later. Honestly, she was stunned that Addison had taken the man back. After all they had been through together, it was like a slap in the face. How could Addison think Meru was good enough for her after Janeway had shown her she deserved so much more? It made her sick.

She glanced at Addison, who looked away.

Meru smiled fakely at the Captain and turned to Addison and kissed her on the cheek. Janeway's hand tightened around her coffee, her knuckles turning white.

He said, "I have to run, I have the night shift. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Addison nodded and he walked out of the mess hall, leaving the two women behind.

Without a word, Addison spun around and left through the other exit.

Janeway followed her, still seeing red as she thought about Ensign Meru, not noticing that everyone else in the mess hall was watching her.

As soon as the mess hall doors closed behind her, she called out, "Addison, stop."

But Addison didn't stop. She only walked faster towards the closest turbo lift.

"Ensign Blake, stop now."

Her tone finally halted Addison, right before she got on the lift. She stood waiting, not turning to look at the Captain.

When Janeway got up to Addison, she grabbed her shoulders and spun her around.

"What are you thinking? Why were you with him?"

"It's really none of your business, Captain."

"What do you want from me, Addison? It can't be like before. Are you just doing this to punish me?"

Janeway heard a noise behind her and looked to see two ensigns walking towards them.

She pushed Addison into the turbolift.

"Computer, seal doors."

Addison stepped to the back, pressing herself against the wall without looking the Captain in the eye.

"Addison, tell me how you think I could have done anything differently. What do you expect from me?"

Eyes flashing, Addison responded, "I don't expect anything from you, Captain. This isn't about you. I haven't asked one thing of you since we got back to the ship. It's you who seems to have the problem. What does it matter to you if I'm with Timmy?"

"It matters because I want better for you! Addison, he hit you. How can you let somebody like that back into your life?"

"Maybe he's changed. Either way, it doesn't matter. He's all I've got."

"You have me." Instantly, Janeway regretted those words.

"We both know that's not true. Please let me leave."

She pressed by Janeway, who stepped away from the doors to avoid touching her. Addison walked through them and stopped on the other side, turning back.

Her eyes and voice softened and her face had fallen from its previous anger, "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I don't know how it can be any different."

She left then, Kathryn quickly schooling her face as others joined her in the lift.

* * *

News of the argument spread around Voyager faster than wildfire. Nobody had actually heard the words that had been spoken, but they had seen the body language and knew that voices had been raised. It somehow had involved Ensign Meru and speculation on what had made the Captain so angry was the hottest topic of discussion.

Janeway chose to ignore it, knowing it would go away eventually if there was nothing further to fuel it.

She constantly berated herself for letting Addison get to her so much. She was the Captain of a starship, responsible for hundreds of lives, she should be able to let this go, she thought.

Before long, gossip about the Captain and Addison did die down, only to be replaced with gossip about Addison and Meru getting back together. There were bets going around on how long it would take Addison to move back in with him. Among some, there were even bets on whether or not Meru would be able to continue to control his temper. Janeway couldn't believe how crass her crew was towards Addison.

Every time the Captain saw Addison with Meru, the pit in her stomach grew larger. They weren't shy about their new relationship. It seemed that Timmy was trying his hardest to prove himself to everybody. They were constantly out together, going to every social event the ship had to offer.

Janeway spent even more time working, only going to her quarters to change her clothes and shower. She lost the extra weight and muscle that she had gained with Addison and then even more. Her clothes hung off of her and she stopped looking in the mirror, not wanting to see the dark circles under her eyes.

As she became more tired from lack of sleep, her temper started to get the better of her. It came to a head one day, right after they narrowly avoided a firefight with another ship. Afterwards, she had retired to her ready room and Chakotay had followed.

He entered upon her command. She was already sitting in her chair, wearily resting her arms on her desk.

"Captain, what's going on?"

"Commander?"

"Come on, Kathryn. You're miserable. You look terrible. You nearly just got us all killed."

"You're out of line, Commander."

"No, Captain, I'm not. Not when your actions are affecting the rest of this ship."

"You're questioning my ability to lead this crew?"

"No, that's not what I said. Kathryn, I'm worried about you. You haven't been the same since you've come back. And it's obvious to everybody that something is bothering you."

"And it's nobody's business but my own."

"I'm not saying it is. But, Kathryn, I want to help. Let me help you. As your friend."

Kathryn slumped in her chair, too tired to fight him.

"Oh, Chakotay. It's all gone wrong."

Chakotay sat down across from her and took her hands in his. "Is it Ensign Blake? What happened to the two of you there."

Kathryn struggled to decide what to tell him. In the end, she figured it didn't matter if he knew. She could trust him not to tell anybody else and not to put it in any reports.

"Ensign Blake…Addison…and I developed a relationship while on the planet."

She could tell Chakotay was shocked, although he did a good job of hiding it.

"A physical relationship?"

"Yes. That's all it was supposed to be. We both knew it had to end when we came back to the ship. I don't think either of us realized how difficult that would be. I never should have let it happen. It was inappropriate and now I feel guilty that I've put her through this."

Chakotay was silent for a moment and Janeway realized what he must be thinking. She would have bet that he still held out hope that their relationship would progress someday. She leaned forward and looked him in the eyes.

"Chakotay, I'm sorry. This must be difficult for you to hear."

He smiled ruefully and said, "You're right. I have to admit, it makes me feel jealous. But, the truth is, Kathryn, I want you to be happy. Why are you denying yourself this?"

"You know why, Chakotay."

"You've broken the rules more times than I can count, if it benefited Voyager. You've sacrificed yourself for this crew. I don't understand why you're holding on so tightly to this one rule. I don't think you give the crew the credit they deserve. They won't think any less of you for being human."

"You're wrong, Chakotay. The one thing I know they need is a leader who seems invincible."

"Maybe initially they did. But I think you would be surprised now."

Kathryn shook her head, "It's not a risk I'm willing to take."

She stood up, indicating that the conversation was over.

"Thank you, Chakotay. It means a lot that I have you to talk to. But, I'll be fine."

Once he had left, she walked up to her couch and sat, staring out the viewport. She hadn't acknowledged to herself how she was coming across to the rest of the crew. She needed to work harder.

* * *

Addison's new relationship with Timmy was progressing slowly, which suited her just fine. They mostly met up outside of their quarters, Addison feeling more comfortable with others around. They hadn't slept together yet, only kissing goodnight.

The situation was perfect for Addison. She was glad to have something to do in the evenings, instead of sitting alone at home. She hadn't seen the Captain once since their last incident, although she heard the gossip that Janeway was running herself ragged.

She wasn't sure if it made her feel better or worse, not seeing the Captain. Either way, it was painful, and she figured she would get over it sooner if she didn't interact with her.

She was climbing out of a Jefferies tube one day, just finishing work, when the door to the junction opened and the Captain emerged from the other side.

Addison cursed her bad luck but got distracted when she noticed Janeway's appearance. The change in just a few weeks was devastating.

"Captain, what are you doing here?"

Janeway looked just as surprised to see her, "B'Elanna said there was a ruptured conduit, but engineering was short on staff. I offered to come take a look."

Addison stood awkwardly, especially given the small space they were standing in. She could feel the Captain's energy radiating towards her.

Janeway broke the silence, "We need to stop meeting like this, in small enclosed spaces."

She said the words with a smile, trying to make a joke. But it fell flat and her voice broke at the end. _God, she was tired._

Addison couldn't help herself then, seeing the Captain looking so dejected. She stepped forward and grabbed Janeway's hand, encircling it in her own two and holding it close to her chest.

"It's going to be fine, right? Everything is going to be okay."

Janeway nodded, not trusting her voice quite yet.

After a few moments, "Yes, eventually."

They stood there for a while, neither wanting to break contact, until they heard voices.

Janeway pulled back first and turned to call to B'Elanna, who was asking if she had found the rupture.

"I'm on my way, Lieutenant. I will let you know when I've found it."

She turned back to find that Addison had already left.


	11. Chapter 11

Things for the Captain did seem to get better after that. She was able to pull herself together a little bit more. She forced herself to eat at least two meals a day and started sleeping in her own quarters again. She still slept only a few hours a night, but instead of doing work in the middle of the night, as she had been, she would take walks through the ship instead.

She spent more time with Chakotay, which pleased him, and her life fell into a routine. She hoped that eventually the goal of getting her crew home would be enough for her, as it had been before.

The infrequent times when she saw Addison, they would stop and converse a little bit. Mostly they just exchanged pleasantries, never anything serious, but Janeway savored the moments without letting herself become obsessed by them.

It still worried her to see Addison with Ensign Meru. She didn't trust the man and worried constantly that Addison was going to get hurt again.

From what she had heard, though, Addison was happy with the man. Tuvok was keeping a close eye on the situation, monitoring Addison for any signs of abuse. They weren't willing to accept Meru's new behavior until he proved himself.

Addison knew they were being watched, but didn't let it bother her. In fact, she didn't let much bother her anymore. She had let her life develop into a dullness that never seemed to change. She went to work, had dinner with Timmy, went to bed - fighting off her dreams by never letting herself sleep too long.

Before long, Timmy got sick of the lack of sex and attempted to push her further. She resisted for as long as she could until she realized that it was inevitable. She still didn't mind his touching and figured the rest couldn't be worse.

She couldn't have been more wrong.

One evening, they went back to his quarters for a drink and he became more aggressive in his touching while they sat on the couch. He eventually unzipped his pants, his intent obvious. Addison had sighed and then bent over, taking Timmy into her mouth. She had forgotten the smell of him and was instantly repulsed. But, he already had his hand on her head, holding her down, so she forced back her gag reflex and continued.

Before she got too far, he stopped her and started to undo her shirt. He pulled it off and fondled her breasts before taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom. He quickly stripped off his own clothes and came back to kiss her, surprisingly gentle considering how he usually liked to have sex.

He got her on the bed and pulled off her pants, actually spending some time focusing on her body. It didn't turn her on.

It was when he tried to enter her that she reacted. She had thought that being with the Captain had helped her get over her revulsion to sex. She realized now that it had only made it worse. Before, she could force herself to believe that she was somewhere else. That it didn't matter what was happening to her.

Now, though, she was entirely present. And she hated it.

Timmy's weight on her made her claustrophobic and she tried to push away. He didn't notice at first, so she pushed harder. He must have thought that she was playing, because his hands pressed down on her arms and held her there.

She panicked then and flailed at him until he realized she was actually trying to get away. He rolled off her.

"Addison, what are you doing? You're being crazy!"

Addison didn't respond and hopped off the bed, trying to control her breathing. She hastily grabbed clothes off the ground and pulled them on at the same time she rushed out the door.

She ran down the hallway, not thinking about where she was going. Her breathing became more erratic and she knew a panic attack was setting in. People gave her strange looks as she passed and finally she took refuge in an empty alcove off one of the side corridors.

She slid down the wall, gasping. Instinctually, she called for the one person she could trust.

She tapped her commbadge, "Blake to Janeway."

Janeway was lying on her bed staring at the ceiling when her commbadge chirped and she heard Addison's voice come through.

"Yes, Ensign."

"I..I'm not feeling well. I need you."

Janeway sat up, "Addison, what's wrong? Where are you?" She could hear Addison's heavy breathing and that she was struggling to speak.

"I don't know. Deck four, maybe?" She couldn't think clearly enough to figure out where she had gotten herself to.

Janeway had already left her quarters and was heading to deck four. She tapped her commbadge, "Computer, locate Ensign Blake."

"Ensign Blake is located in corridor five, section 12 of deck four."

Deck four was only one deck away from Janeway's quarters and it took her less than two minutes to find the junction where Addison was supposed to be. She stopped in the middle of the corridor, finding it empty. She paused and listened; only hearing Addison's breathing after she had stopped moving.

Peering around the corner, she found Addison sitting on the floor, obviously having a panic attack.

Addison's hair was disheveled and her t-shirt was on backwards. Janeway noticed bruises on her arms and almost lost it.

"What did he do to you? Addison, what happened? I'm going to kill him."

Between breathes, Addison said, "No, Captain. It's not like that. Please."

Janeway put aside her anger and tried to focus on Addison.

"Hey, we've been through this before. Remember? Twice, actually. Is this worse than either of those moments?"

Addison shook her head, "No, this isn't worse."

She snuggled in closer to the Captain, her anxiety already receding. Janeway put her arm around Addison, savoring the feeling of being next to her again.

"Tell me what happened."

Addison started to speak, but two crewmembers walked by then and Addison went quiet so they wouldn't be noticed.

When they had passed, Janeway said, "Computer, initiate site-to-site transport – Ensign Blake and Captain Janeway to the captain's quarters."

They materialized in her main cabin and Janeway helped Addison move over to the couch. Janeway sat down first and pulled Addison down so that she was nestled between her legs, with her back against Janeway's chest. Kathryn felt at home.

"Explain to me why you have bruises on your arms."

"It wasn't Timmy's fault. We hadn't slept together since I got back. And tonight, I just freaked out."

"Freaked out?" It wasn't a term one heard often in Starfleet.

"I thought, after everything we had gone through, I would be okay. I thought you had made me better. I don't know what happened."

"And the bruises?" Janeway had to make sure that he hadn't hurt her.

"Captain, I gave you plenty of bruises when we slept together."

Janeway blushed, remembering.

"I just need to make sure he wasn't trying to hurt you."

"No, he wasn't."

"What are you going to do?"

Addison didn't know. She couldn't avoid sleeping with Timmy forever.

"I guess I'll figure it out. But, can I stay here a little bit longer?"

"Of course."

"Thank you for coming to me tonight, Captain. I'm sorry to be trouble. I probably could have handled it on my own."

"Shh, Addison. You never have to apologize about asking for help."

"He called me crazy. Do you think I'm crazy? I feel like it, sometimes."

"We're all crazy, Addison. You no more than anyone of us."

They sat like that for a while longer, Addison leaning her head back against Janeway's shoulder and Kathryn breathing in the scent of Addison's hair.

Finally, Addison got up, "I should get back to my quarters before somebody looks for me and realizes I'm here."

She walked to the door and turned back to the Captain, who was still sitting on the couch.

"I miss you." She walked out the door quickly, not giving Janeway time to respond.

* * *

Timmy was waiting for Addison in the mess hall, the next evening. They hadn't spoken since she had rushed out of his quarters and she had spent the entire day at work thinking about what to say to him.

She sat down at the table, not able to meet his eyes when he looked at her.

"What the hell happened last night, Addison? You can't just run out on me like that and expect me not to worry."

"You're right, Timmy. I'm sorry. I just panicked and didn't know what to do."

She didn't elaborate and Timmy got more exasperated.

"Addison! Are you going to explain?"

She hesitated, nervous now that she was in front of him. She had decided to try to explain to him why she reacted the way she did, to tell him the truth. But now she didn't know where to begin.

She looked away from him, unable to meet his yes.

"There's something I've never told you."

"What?" His voice was still harsh, still showing his frustration at her.

"Um, it's just that I reacted the way I did last night because I was remembering something from my past."

"Get to the point, Addison."

"I was raped. And last night, I panicked because it reminded me of that." She still didn't look at him.

"Raped by who? Why did you never tell me? We've had sex before. Why was this time so different?"

He was firing questions at her and she became flustered. She didn't know what to respond to first.

"T-Timmy, I'm sorry. I d-don't know. I think after so much time away, I had time to think about it. I'm sure I can get better."

"Well, I hope so. It wouldn't be much of a relationship if we couldn't have sex."

"I just need to go slowly. It'll get better with time." Addison thought that if she said it, it would be true.

"Fine. But you have to promise that you won't ever leave like that again."

"I promise." She would have said anything to make this conversation be over.

* * *

"Lieutenant Paris, evasive pattern Delta! Tuvok, target their weapons and propulsion systems," Janeway ordered her crew.

Voyager streaked through space, hounded by an armada of small ships. They were quick and agile and darted in and out of Voyager's offensive range.

It had been like this for days, with Voyager being pecked away at. Usually, it was only two to three ships at a time. Individually, none of the incidents would have challenged Voyager. But the crew didn't have time to repair what little damage was done before the next attack came.

Now, it seemed this was the final assault, with all the ships coming at them at once.

Tuvok disabled three of the ships with a few shots and those slunk away, but the rest of the ships kept coming.

Between taking shots, Tuvok turned to Janeway and said, "Captain, they are overpowering our defenses. We cannot hold out any longer. I suggest we deploy the new photon torpedos."

When the attacks first began, Janeway and the senior staff had explored possible alternative strategies. Based on the configurations of the ships, Torres had come up with an idea involving the modification of their torpedos. Theoretically, one spread would take out the entire attacking force. The downside was that the ships wouldn't just be disabled, they would be destroyed.

Janeway had hoped to find an alternative solution. The new torpedoes had only been finished yesterday and they hadn't had time to test them.

She gestured to Ensign Kim, "Open a channel, Harry."

"Enemy ships, this is Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager. Please cease your attacks now or we will be forced to take extreme measures."

"No response, Captain."

Janeway didn't acknowledge Kim's statement and when the ship rocked underneath her feet, she made her decision.

"Tuvok, fire the new torpedoes, standard spread."

They all watched the view screen as bursts of light rocketed out from the ship and spread apart, interspersing between the small vessels. A second later, they exploded and the waves of energy catapulted the ships away from Voyager.

Nothing happened for a few more moments but then each ship stopped moving, dead in space. A wave of energy seemed to flow through each hull and the Voyager crew was momentarily blinded when everything exploded in front of them. When the sparks died down, nothing was left.

A cheer went up from the bridge crew, everybody so weary from the never ending battles that they couldn't hold back their relief that it was over.

Janeway looked around sharply and said, "We should never celebrate taking the lives of others."

She walked to her ready room, abrupt silence from her crew following her. She let her body slump as soon as the doors closed behind her. She was exhausted and her nerves were frayed. She had only slept a few hours since the attacks began and knew she wouldn't be able to sleep now, either. She never could after she had killed others.

After an hour of trying to focus on reports, she gave up and went back to the bridge. Chakotay was there and the rest of the bridge crew kept their eyes off of Janeway as she walked through.

"Chakotay, you have the bridge. I'll be in my quarters." She felt a little bit guilty at snapping at everyone earlier, but didn't have the energy to soften her face to acknowledge to her crew that she was proud of them.

She got in the turbolift and started to say "deck three" for her quarters, but she realized that she didn't want to be alone.

Instead, she said, "Computer, locate Ensign Blake."

"Ensign Blake is on deck twelve, section five, Jefferies tube eighteen."

"Computer, deck twelve."

* * *

All the way to Jefferies tube eighteen, Janeway thought about how going to Addison was a bad idea. She couldn't seem to stop herself, though.

She crawled her way through the maze until she reached the junction that linked her to where Addison was. She opened the portal and peered down the shaft.

Addison was at the end, working on a gel pack. She turned when she heard the doors open.

"Captain? Is there something you need?"

"No, not really, Ensign." Now that she was here, she didn't know what she was expecting.

Addison cocked her head at the Captain, waiting for Janeway to say something further. When nothing happened, she crawled down the tube and pulled herself out into the larger space.

They stood awkwardly for a moment and finally Addison spoke, "I heard the torpedoes worked."

"Yes, we destroyed the ships. All of them."

"Congratulations, Captain"

The statement raised Janeway's ire right away. It annoyed her that everybody was happy about the destruction. And it annoyed her that Addison was congratulating her as if Addison hadn't had any investment in the outcome.

She was sorry she had come here. She turned to leave but Addison reached out and pulled her back.

"Is that all you wanted? Why did you come here?"

Janeway knew she had anger on her face when she turned back to Addison, but couldn't help herself, "Nothing. As I should have expected."

"Why are you angry?" Addison didn't look confused. Instead, she was staring Janeway in the eye, almost challenging her.

"You think it's a good thing that we just killed hundreds of people?"

"No, Captain. I don't think that. And you should know me and your crew well enough to know that none of us think that."

"You keep speaking as if you're not a part of the crew. You're acting as if the crew's actions only affect others and not you. You think you're separate from all of this."

"The crew's actions? Or your actions? What are you actually picking a fight about right now?"

"I'm not picking a fight. I am just appalled at everyone's crassness over the loss of life today."

Instead of responding right away, Addison grabbed Janeway's arms and pushed her back, so she was trapped against the wall. Janeway was too taken aback to react.

"Tell me what's really bothering you. Are you really mad that your crew was relieved that they weren't destroyed today? That we escaped yet another close call? That, even though we had to kill others, we are still alive? Or are you mad at yourself? For not being good enough to avoid the loss of life?"

Janeway flinched at her words and Addison knew she had hit the nail on the head.

"That's right, isn't it? You're used to winning. You're used to being the best. Out here, though, winning often means that somebody else loses. But you think that those rules shouldn't apply to you. What else could you have done, today? If you were good enough, you would have found a different way, a better way. Right? But you're not good enough, are you?"

"No! There was nothing else I could have done. I had to save the crew. I had no choice." Janeway pushed back against Addison's chest, but the woman didn't give.

"No choice? There's always a choice, Captain. You might as well just say it, you just aren't good enough."

Janeway felt rage at Addison's words bubbling over and this time she pushed harder, jerking Addison around so they had switched places.

"You're wrong. I made the best possible choice for this crew. I have to put their lives first. That's my job."

Addison didn't respond and wasn't surprised when Janeway pressed her lips against Addison's, tongue aggressively pushing into her mouth. Addison melted against her, giving into the kiss and returning it just as forcefully.

They pulled each other's uniform tops off and Addison unzipped the Captain's pants. Kathryn was hungrily kissing her way down Addison's neck when Addison entered the Captain with her fingers.

Kathryn came almost immediately. Her orgasm tore through her body, but when it was over her body still shook and Addison lifted Janeway's head off her shoulder, to find tears falling down her face. Addison lowered the Captain to the floor and they sat together, deep sobs racking Janeway's body.

Addison stayed quiet, rubbing Kathryn's back. Eventually, the crying slowed.

"I can't do this. I can't be strong all the time. You were right, I'm not good enough. If I were, what we just did never would have happened. It's my job to get this ship home and I can't even restrain myself from sleeping with a member of the crew. How can I be trusted with hundreds of lives?"

"Do you really believe that? Tell me you truly believe that there is somebody better qualified to lead this ship than you."

Janeway thought for a minute and then said, "No, I don't believe that."

"And so then you are good enough to be the Captain?"

Kathryn knew it was a rhetorical question so instead of answering, she pushed herself away from Addison and glared at the woman.

"You are way more manipulative than I could have imagined."

Addison smiled and said, "I do what I can, Captain."

Kathryn leaned forward and kissed Addison again, this time more gently. She pushed her back and ended up lying on top of her.

Addison stopped her, though, and said, "Kathryn, this probably isn't the best place for this."

Janeway sat up and for the first time acknowledged where they were and that they were both only half clothed. They both sat up and pulled their shirts and jackets back on.

"Kathryn, you can't control everything. You're going to be faced with an endless amount of impossible choices and not everything has a right answer. Nobody expects perfection from you. We only expect that you believe in yourself enough to be making what you think are the best decisions."

"And you think I'm making the wrong decision about this, what's going on between the two of us?"

"You know I'm not able to answer that impartially. But I do know that the crew suffers when you are miserable. Kathryn, part of your duty to this ship is making sure that you're not just physically able to lead, but also mentally healthy enough to lead."

Kathryn frowned, but didn't disagree.

"I know you're right. But it's not that clear cut. And you know that I can't choose between you and Voyager."

"I know that. I'm not asking you to. I would never ask you to. I'm only saying that there's the possibility you don't need to make that choice."

Addison stood up then and said, "I should get back to work. I'm sure the Captain wouldn't be pleased to know I was shirking my duties."

Janeway smiled and said, "No, she wouldn't. She'd have to put you on report." And then, "Thank you, Addison."

Addison shook her head, "You've done the same for me. More than once."

* * *

Three days later, Janeway once again found herself feeling overwhelmed and, once again, found herself searching out Addison. This time, Addison was in her quarters. As soon as the doors closed behind them, they were on top of each other. They didn't even make it to the bedroom. Instead, Kathryn cleared the coffee table with her arm and laid Addison down on it before taking her.

Afterwards, snuggled on the couch, Addison listened to Kathryn talk about what was bothering her and offered her advice. When Kathryn finally left, she felt a weight had been lifted.

It got to be a pattern, at first happening once or twice a week. Eventually, it got to be more frequent than that. Both women were very careful not to attract attention. They never spoke to each other outside of their trysts and they only met in places where others wouldn't find them.

They never spoke about where the relationship was taking them and Addison continued to see Ensign Meru. She still hadn't slept with him and he was getting increasingly frustrated, but was respecting her limits. Kathryn was still unhappy that Addison was continuing to date the man, but couldn't say anything as she felt too guilty that she couldn't offer Addison more than she was.

In reality, Kathryn couldn't find anything to fault Ensign Meru on. He had lived up to his word and had not let his temper get the better of him since his time in the brig. He was still a model crewmember and had only received high praise from his supervisors. Still, he rubbed Kathryn the wrong way and she struggled not to let her feelings show when she was near him.

She got the impression that he felt the same towards her, although he was unfailingly polite and respectful around her.

It wasn't until he caught Addison and Janeway that Kathryn truly found out what he thought about her.

The two women were in Addison's quarters. They had only been talking, lying on Addison's bed, but one thing had led to another and pretty soon Kathryn had Addison naked and was straddling her.

Neither of them heard the door beep and neither of them noticed that Timmy overrode the security lock to let himself in.

It took him a moment to comprehend what was happening and by the time he did, Addison had noticed him standing in the doorway to the bedroom. She pulled herself up quickly and Janeway turned to see what Addison was looking at.

As soon as Janeway turned, Timmy lost it.

"You bitch!" He strode towards the bed and took a swing at the Captain, catching her in the jaw and sending her flying.

He watched as Addison rushed off the bed, crouching down to help Janeway pull herself up.

"I should have known you were up to something!"

Janeway said, "Ensign Meru, calm down."

"No, Captain. I will not 'calm down'. What do you think, that I'm an idiot?"

He turned to glare at Addison, "And you, playing me like a fool. All this time, sneaking around with the Captain."

"Timmy, please. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

Timmy ignored her and started to turn to the door but Janeway stopped him.

"Ensign, I am ordering you not to tell anybody about what happened here."

He laughed at that and looked back, "You really think I want people knowing my girlfriend is being fucked by the Captain when she won't even sleep with me?"

He laughed again and looked at Addison, "You're just as stupid as I thought. You think she actually cares about you? If she did, why hasn't she told the crew about the two of you? You're pathetic."

At that he strode out of the room. Addison turned and took the Captain's face in her hands.

"Are you okay? Do you need to see the Doctor?"

"I'm fine." But, she didn't feel fine. This was the worst-case scenario she had worried about. Who knew if Meru would heed her order not to tell anyone. On top of that, she had lost all credibility with the man. If she were in control, she should have sent him to the brig for assaulting her. But she clearly wasn't in control.

"Kathryn, somebody should look at that."

"Stop, Addison! That's the least of my concerns right now. I knew this was a bad idea. This is exactly why I shouldn't have allow this to happen. I can't believe I was so stupid to make this big of a mistake."

Addison took a step away from Kathryn, as if she had been hit. For a second, Kathryn regretted her words, but shook it off as she reminded herself what kind of trouble Meru could cause now.

"I have to go."


	12. Chapter 12

Addison was wedged between two bulkheads, trying to get to a hard to reach gel pack, when the ship started to shake.

She had spent the day thinking about the events of the night before. That was why she was still stuck here, when she should have been finished for the day already.

The Captain had left without another word and Addison hadn't talked to her or Timmy since. From what she could tell, Timmy hadn't mentioned anything to the rest of the crew yet. If he had, it would have spread around the ship by now.

She wasn't incredibly concerned about what Timmy would do to her, but she was nervous for the Captain. She knew it was important to Kathryn to keep what they were doing a secret, no matter how much it hurt to know she felt that way.

Her attention was drawn away from her own thoughts, however, as soon as the ship started to rock back and forth. The lights dimmed and started flashing red indicating that they had gone to red alert.

Addison tried to shimmy her way out of the bulkhead, but immediately pushed herself back as an explosion tore through Jefferies tube and everything came crashing down around her. She jammed herself into the small space, trying to avoid the sparks and sizzling wires.

When she felt the ship start to tilt, she knew there was real trouble but didn't have time to think about it as a panel on a bulkhead swung away from its hinges. She lifted her arms to protect herself and that was the last thing she remembered.

* * *

Janeway was trying her best not to panic. She turned to watch as the Kazon lifted Voyager off the desert planet, stranding the crew.

As soon as the Kazon had put them off the ship, Janeway had tasked her senior staff on making sure the entire crew was accounted for.

Everybody was there except for Ensign Suder, Ensign Meru, and Addison and they now had no way of knowing if the three were dead or alive.

She forced herself not to think about it. She had other things to worry about and there was nothing she could do for Addison.

Survival was their immediate concern and she set up teams to search for food, water, and shelter.

It became apparent fairly quickly that the planet wasn't going to make it easy for them.

The crew did their best to gather supplies and they finally found a place sheltered by a rock formation to make camp. Still, despite their best efforts, Crewman Hogan was killed and Janeway redoubled her efforts to make the crew understand the seriousness of the situation they were in.

It wasn't until they were all settled in for the evening that Janeway allowed her thoughts to return to Addison. Guilt wracked through her as she thought about the last thing she had said to the woman. She had been overly harsh and unfair towards her. And now she might never be able to fix that. She only hoped that somehow, Addison was still alive.

* * *

Addison woke up slowly, covered in debris. As soon as she tried to open her eyes, pain shot through her head. The harsh light made it even more difficult to adjust and it took a few minutes before she could see what was around her.

The Jefferies tube was littered with broken materials. Addison could see that she had actually been lucky. If she had made it out into the main portion of the tube, she would have been crushed immediately. As it were, she was still trapped behind a fallen bulkhead.

She tried to lift it out of her way, but pain seared through her chest. She looked down to see that blood was seeping through a gash in her uniform. A cut ran across her shoulder, down to her breast. She took stock of the rest of her body, but only found one other cut on her forehead, where she had been knocked unconscious.

She tapped her commbadge, "Ensign Blake to Sickbay. I have been injured and need medical attention."

When no immediate response came, she started to tap her commbadge again, but was interrupted by a low voice coming through.

"Ensign Blake, this is the Doctor. Where are you?" He was whispering.

"Doctor? I'm in a Jefferies tube. I was knocked unconscious. What's going on?"

"The ship has been taken over by the Kazon. They left the entire crew on a planet. How badly hurt are you? Can you make it to sickbay undetected?"

"I will try, Doctor."

Addison tried to move the bulkhead again, this time ignoring the pain that stabbed at her. She was able to shift everything a few inches – just enough for her to squeeze through and access the main compartment.

It took her almost an hour to crawl her way to sickbay, needing to stop multiple times and backtrack when she encountered Kazon voices ahead of her.

When she finally arrived, she was surprised to see both the Doctor and Ensign Suder.

The Doctor approached her, "Ensign Blake! You made it. As you can see, Ensign Suder was also left behind. After I spoke to you, I ran a scan to see if anybody else was left. I have blocked your commbadge signals so that the Kazon won't be able to detect you."

"How did the Kazon get on board, Doctor?"

"Our Kazon guest blew himself up and Seska was able to help the rest of the Kazon through our defenses. We were overwhelmed fairly quickly. Unfortunately, it turns out that Ensign Meru was helping them the entire time. He just came in here with Seska."

Addison was startled, "Timmy? Was helping the Kazon?"

"Yes, apparently he has been for awhile. He was the traitor we've been looking for."

Addison shook off her surprise and focused on their immediate concern, "So, what are we going to do?"

The Doctor relayed the plan that he and Ensign Suder had put together, while cleaning up Addison's wounds at the same time. They had decided their only option was to sabotage the ship as best they could.

When he was finished healing Addison, the three of them ran over the game plan and Ensign Suder and Addison headed out of sickbay together. Addison's job was to act as lookout while Suder did the actual work, as Addison had very little knowledge on how the ship's systems ran.

They spent hours crawling through the ship, disrupting as much as they could, while avoiding the Kazon. Eventually, both of them exhausted, they holed up where Addison had been when the ship was first attacked and tried to get some sleep.

When they woke a few hours later, they headed back to sickbay to get a report from the Doctor.

They found the Doctor listening in on conversations Seska was having with the rest of the Kazon. The systems that Suder had disrupted had been detected when the Kazon couldn't get the ship running. Seska was beginning to suspect something and had set up a search for intruders.

The Doctor had also received a communication from Lieutenant Paris that help was coming, but he needed them to overload the back-up phaser couplings.

Suder and Blake headed back out to accomplish this, worried that they wouldn't be able to get to engineering before Tom arrived with reinforcements.

They were halfway there when they realized they were cornered. They could hear voices ahead of them in the Jefferies tube and their only option was to leave the tubes and head out to the corridors, which were being patrolled.

Suder had become more and more anxious as they got closer to actually engaging the Kazon and Addison was concerned that he wasn't going to be able to complete the job.

She looked at him and then tapped her commbadge, "Doctor, we're being forced to use the corridors to get to engineering. We won't make it without a diversion. I'm going to escort Ensign Suder as far as I can and then try to divert the Kazon's attention away from him so he can make it the rest of the way. I need you to gain access to the main engineering doors though the computer, so he can get in. Do you understand?"

"Acknowledged, Ensign. Good luck."

Addison looked at Suder, who was sweating from nerves.

She said, "You can do this, Ensign. Are you ready?"

He nodded and she pulled him out of the tube and into the corridor, her phaser drawn.

They made it almost halfway there before they encountered two Kazon patrolling. Addison stunned them before they could react and she forced Suder into a run, convinced it wouldn't be long before they were detected.

She wasn't wrong, as a few moments later; she heard voices ahead of them. She pulled Suder into an alcove.

"I'm going to lead them away from here. As soon as we're gone, I need you to get to engineering. Do you understand?"

He looked panicked, but he nodded at her.

"You can do this, Ensign. Right?"

"Yes, I can do it." It seemed he was saying it more to convince himself than anything.

"I'll see you on the other side, then."

She peered around the corner, seeing four Kazon together. She aimed her phaser at them and downed one before she took off running in the direction she had just come. All three followed her.

She wound her way through the ship, trying to give Suder as much of a buffer as she could, but eventually they caught up to her and she threw her phaser to the ground, holding her hands up in surrender.

They dragged her to the bridge and forced her to the ground in front of Maje Cullah and Seska.

Seska looked at her with scorn, "I knew there was somebody on this ship. The Doctor fooled me into thinking it was him, but there was no way he could have done all that. Who else is helping you?"

Addison didn't respond and Cullah immediately backhanded her across the face.

"You will answer Seska when she speaks to you."

Addison smiled at them both, "Fine. If you must know, you missed a whole bunch of us when you stranded the crew. We've all been wandering around trying to cause as much trouble as possible."

"You're lying. There couldn't be more than one or two of you." Seska nodded at Cullah and he hit Addison again.

Addison knew she only had to hold out for a few more minutes, so she kept talking.

"It's just me. The Doctor and I put together a plan and I've been crawling around ever since then."

Seska got down close to her, "You don't even know how this ship works. Everybody knows you're useless. I still don't believe you."

"It doesn't matter if you believe me." Addison was watching the viewscreen behind Seska and Cullah and she had seen the small dots getting bigger.

At the same time, one of Cullah's men said, "Maje, there's a fleet of Talaxian ships approaching."

Cullah turned around and laughed, "What, the Talaxians think they're going to beat us?"

He looked at the view screen. He was looking forward to destroying the Talazians. They were pests.

He ordered one of his men to take Addison to the brig, unconcerned now that she had been caught.

Addison and her escort hadn't even made it to the turbolift when the assault began. They paused to watch on the viewscreen, everyone relaxed as Voyager easily picked off the Talaxian ships.

Addison's heart sunk in her chest, knowing that Suder hadn't been able to make to engineering, when all of a sudden a ripple went through the ship, knocking everybody to the ground. Consoles exploded around them and Addison found herself on the ground.

She felt paralyzed, unable to move her body. She forced herself to focus on her fingertips, attempting to flex them at their joints. Slowly, she regained her mobility and she dragged herself to the edge of the bridge.

Seska was making her way into the Captain's ready room and Cullah followed her in there. It was chaos around the rest of the bridge as Kazon lay on the ground attempting to move.

A minute later, Cullah reemerged with Seska's baby and looked at Addison, who was still unable to stand reliably. Kazon from around the rest of the ship, who hadn't been knocked out, where arriving on the turbolift.

One of them approached Cullah, "Voyager has been boarded and overtaken by the Talaxians. What do you want us to do?"

Rage clouded Cullah's face, "Retreat."

He pointed at Addison, though, saying, "And take her with us."

Addison felt somebody grab the back of her collar and felt a blow to her head, once again falling unconscious.

* * *

The crew cheered when they saw Voyager reappear through the clouds. Janeway was a little bit more skeptical, until she felt herself being beamed aboard and materialized to a grinning Tom Paris.

"Good work, Mr. Paris. We're glad to have you back aboard. Report."

Tom relayed to her how he had gotten the Talaxians to agree to help and how he had sent a message to the Doctor.

"It turns out that Ensign Suder and Ensign Blake were still on board and were able to disable the phaser couplings, which allowed us to gain access to Voyager. Unfortunately, Ensign Suder was killed right after that."

"And Ensign Blake?"

"I don't know, Captain. Seska had deactivated the Doctor and when I reactivated him, he told me the last he heard, Blake was going to try to draw the attention away from engineering, so Suder would have a chance to make it. There's no sign of her aboard, though."

Janeway nodded her head, although her heart was sinking, "Please oversee the transport of the rest of the crew. I'll be in sickbay if you need me."

When she arrived, the Doctor was already working on sick or injured crewmembers who Tom had transported directly to sickbay.

"Doctor, do you have a moment?"

"Yes, of course, Captain. Nothing appears to be life threatening, here."

"I'd like a summary of what happened."

The Doctor ran through the events, ending with a commendation for both Suder and Blake.

"They both gave their lives to save the ship, Captain."

"How do you know that Ensign Blake is dead, Doctor?"

"I just assumed, Captain. The last I heard, she was about to reveal herself to the Kazon."

"I understand, Doctor. But until we find a body, we won't assume anything. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Captain."

"And what about Ensign Meru? I assume he also somehow ended up being left behind?"

"Captain, Ensign Meru was working with the Kazon. He is the reason they were able to get through our shields so easily."

The moment the Doctor spoke the words, it all became clear to Janeway. How could she have been so stupid? Of course Meru was the traitor. He was so perfectly manipulative, making everybody like him when he was actually just a snake in the grass.

Janeway left sickbay, holding her rage about Meru just below the surface, and made her way back to the bridge, where she assembled her senior staff. She ordered Seska's body taken to the morgue, nobody but Chakotay feeling any sorrow at the woman's death.

They were reviewing the damage done to the ship when a call came from the bridge.

"Captain, we have an incoming communication from the Kazon."

Everybody rose from their chairs and filed out to the bridge.

Maje Cullah's face appeared on the screen.

"Captain Janeway. Congratulations on getting your ship back."

Janeway nodded her head at him, "Thank you, Maje. It seems you have been soundly beaten. And you've lost Seska. I'm wondering what else you could possibly want from us."

"I wouldn't get too far ahead of yourself, Captain. I still have something you might want."

He moved aside and behind him, Addison was kneeling on the floor. Her hands were bound behind her and blood trickled down her face. Her face was a mess of bruises and one of her eyes was swollen shut. Ensign Meru stood next to her, gloating.

"Captain Janeway, so good to see you again. I was hoping that I could spend the rest of my life imagining you on that god forsaken planet, but I guess this will have to be second best."

The entire senior staff reacted when they saw Meru, a murmur rippling through them.

Chakotay stepped forward and said, "What the hell are you doing, Tim?"

"Oh, Chakotay. You've always been such a pushover. You really think an idiot like Janeway is going to get you home? You've all been suckered by her. I knew my only real chance at a life was to join the Kazon. This is where the power is. Why kill yourself trying to get back to the Alpha Quadrant when you could have everything you wanted, here?"

Chakotay shook his head, "You really think that's true? You're delusional."

"Maybe so. We'll see."

He knelt down besides Addison and pulled her head up by her hair.

"Janeway, say hi to your girlfriend."

At his words, everybody on the bridge turned to look at the Captain.

Meru addressed them all, "What? The rest of you didn't know? It's because you're all blind. The Captain has been having an affair with this slut. She has no problems breaking the rules when it's in her own interest."

Maje Cullah butted in then, growing tired of listening to Meru talk.

"Captain, you can come get her if you like. Until you do, we'll make sure that she's extremely uncomfortable."

Addison tried to jerk away from Meru at Cullah's words and she called out to Janeway, "Captain, don't come. It's too risky."

Meru pulled Addison back to him and elbowed her hard in the stomach, making her double over in pain.

Cullah watched the interaction and then turned back to the screen, "Think about it, Janeway."

The screen went blank then and Janeway stood there for a moment, in shock.

Addison wasn't dead.

She turned to look at her crew, expecting to see disappointment and anger at what they had just learned.

Instead, Chakotay said sharply, "Senior staff, let's get back to the conference room to discuss options."

When they were all reseated, it was Tom who spoke first, "We have to go get her. She risked her life to make sure we got Voyager back. We can't leave her behind now."

B'Elanna spoke up next, "Agreed. But we can't just go plowing in there. Voyager's systems are a mess. We won't last a second."

Everyone started talking at once then, throwing out ideas.

Finally, Janeway, who was standing and looking out the window while everybody talked, got her bearings back, turned around, and interrupted them all.

"Voyager isn't going anywhere. This is my mess and I'm the one that has to fix it. I'll take a shuttle. I'm ordering you to continue on your way. We will catch up to you if we can."

Silence filled the room as they all stared at her. And then, once again, everybody started talking.

B'Elanna overrode them all, though, and said, "With all due respect, Captain, we're not leaving you behind. And we're not leaving Ensign Blake behind. You may think that we give a damn that you've been sleeping with her, but that's your business. And we don't give a shit."

It wasn't the most eloquent speech, but everybody around the table was nodding.

Kathryn felt a swelling in her chest as she realized how much she didn't deserve the crew that was in front of her. She had never expected this kind of response from them and knew that she didn't deserve it.

"Thank you. But, I can't let you do that. It's a suicide mission. I won't risk this ship because of my mistake."

Chakotay responded this time, "There's no mistake, Captain. It's just the way it is. And you can't ask us to leave you behind, not after we just got you back."

Once again, everybody was nodding in agreement and Janeway recognized a losing battle. She felt tears threatening and it took her a few moments to get herself back under control. Finally, she gave a short nod of acknowledgement to her crew.

"Very well. If you all are convinced you should follow your crazy Captain, then so be it. But we need a better plan than just flying in with guns blazing. Options?"

They spent the next hour hashing out ideas, discarding one after another.

It was the Torres who finally came up with a plan, one she had used as a Maquis. It was risky and timing would be of the utmost important, but it was the only plan they could think of. They spent another hour discussing the details.

When they all had their assignments, Janeway dismissed them. She watched them file out of the room, Chakotay staying behind.

"I know what you're going to say, Chakotay."

"I doubt it."

"You're going to tell me this is still too foolish and that I shouldn't be risking myself. You're going to ask if you can go in my place."

"No, that's not what I was going to say."

Janeway turned to him in surprise, "Then what?"

"Kathryn, I've noticed a difference in you over the last few weeks. Now that I know why, I have to say, it's a difference that looks good on you. Now that the crew knows, don't let it slip away."

"You would say that, even though I've put us in this position?"

"You didn't put us in this position, the Kazon did. And you honestly think that anybody's going to blame you after every single one of us has done something to put this ship in danger? How is this any different than me going after Seska?"

"It's different because I'm the Captain and I should be setting a better example."

Chakotay shook his head at her, "You have to let it go, Kathryn."

She stared at him as he left, unable to accept his words. She was thoroughly surprised by the crew's reaction. Nobody had even thought twice about supporting her. Sure, she could see they were shocked. But they handled it in stride and were professional.

She was gratified at how willing they were to risk their lives to save Addison, who they had so recently scorned. But they had all heard from Tom and the Doctor what Addison had done for the ship and they weren't about to let that go unnoticed.

Janeway only hoped she had the strength to get through the next part of the plan.


	13. Chapter 13

The next day, Janeway took a shuttle and left Voyager behind. The ship still had about two days of repairs before they could follow and Janeway wasn't willing to wait. She set a course following the Kazon's warp trail. Based on their scans, she estimated it would take her a day to get there at warp four.

Cullah had contacted her again, only hours before she left Voyager. He had put a live feed on the viewscreen for them of Addison being tortured. It was almost more than Janeway could bear to watch.

They had moved Addison to a small room, where she was being beaten by three men.

They had obviously seriously underestimated the Ensign, though, as they had only kept her hands tied. As soon as the feed started coming through, Addison had gotten up and attacked her abusers, using her legs and head to fight them. Janeway had never seen Addison fight to the best of her ability and she couldn't help but be impressed with how quickly the woman was moving.

It only took Addison a few seconds to incapacitate the three men and then she looked directly at the screen and said, "Kathryn, don't come for me. I was finally given the chance to be useful to Voyager, don't take that away from me. It's better this way."

The feed cut before she could say anything more and Cullah's face came back on the screen, "It would be foolish to listen to her, Captain. You can't imagine the kind of pain we will put her through, if you don't come."

Janeway had nearly been sick when the communication with Cullah cut off. She found herself warring with her emotions. On the one hand, every part of her was screaming to do everything in her power to get to Addison. On the other hand, she recognized how her feelings for the woman were interfering with her ability to captain Voyager effectively.

When she turned to look at the rest of the bridge crew, however, she knew that she wasn't the only one who had strong feelings about what they had just seen. The violence, combined with Addison's words, had only reinforced the crew's determination to get her back.

Now, Janeway had hours alone in a shuttlecraft with nothing but thoughts of Addison to occupy her mind.

It took her a little less than a day to find the Kazon ship. She plotted a course that took her around their position, where she used the magnetic field of a nearby planet to shield herself from their sensors. When she was close enough, she transported to the ship, as close as she could get to where she thought Addison would be.

Ideally, she was hoping to get in and out with Addison, without needing Voyager's help. She knew it wasn't likely, but she had to try.

It was surprisingly easy to move through the ship undetected and she grew more wary as she got closer to Addison's biosigns.

When she finally found her, Addison was lying in the same room Janeway had last seen her, curled up on the ground shivering. It was freezing in the room. Kathryn felt immense relief at seeing her.

Kathryn carefully leaned over the woman and said, "Addison, can you hear me?"

She heard a voice behind her, "She's been in and out of consciousness. I doubt she can hear you right now."

Kathryn spun around to find Ensign Meru flanked by two large Kazon.

"You really thought you would just walk in here like this? I'm disappointed. Although, I highly doubt that Voyager just let you come alone."

"They did because I ordered them to. This is my fight, not theirs."

"We'll see, Captain. Now, why don't you come with me. Maje Cullah would like to see you."

"I'm not leaving Addison."

"You'll only make it worse for her, Captain."

He lifted his hand, showing her that he was holding a remote.

"The Cardassians were quite adept at torture techniques, Captain. Seska showed this to me before she died. Have you ever seen it? We've inserted a device into Addison that will administer pain on an excruciating level. Do you want to see?"

Before Janeway could respond, he pressed a button on the remote and immediately Addison's body jerked. The pain woke her and she screamed.

Janeway crouched down next to her, trying to soothe her. Addison writhed, unaware of who was around her, the pain overwhelming her.

"Stop this! I'll go with you."

Meru smiled and let go of the button, "I knew you'd see reason."

Kathryn took a last look at Addison, who had passed out again, and followed Meru out the door, the Kazon guards bringing up the rear. Janeway expected to be taken to a different part of the ship, but they only went down the corridor to the next room.

It was identical to the room Addison was being held in and only had one chair sitting in the middle. The entire wall between the two holding rooms was a mirror and Janeway could see Addison on the other side. She hadn't been able to see this room from Addison's room.

Meru indicated that Janeway should sit, but she decided to stay standing, not wanting to put herself in a more vulnerable position.

The guards grabbed her, though, and forced her to sit, tying her hands and ankles to the legs of the chair.

They left her there without another word. She was at least grateful the chair was facing the mirror, so she could see Addison, who was still unconscious. Janeway studied her as best she could, from the distance. She hadn't seen any broken bones, only contusions. She hoped there wasn't any internal bleeding.

Time seemed to move slowly and it felt like hours that she was sitting there. She drifted off, eventually, knowing she should get as much rest as possible.

She woke with a start when the door to the room scraped open. Maje Cullah walked in and stood in between her and the mirror.

"Hello, Captain Janeway. We were hoping Voyager would be a little bit quicker to get here. We're all getting bored, waiting."

"Voyager is not coming, Cullah."

"We both know that's not true, Captain. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made such a pathetic rescue attempt on your own."

Janeway smiled at him, "Who says my rescue attempt is over?"

Cullah frowned at her and said, "I've been patient long enough, Captain. I think it's time we gave the Voyager crew some incentive to come get you. Besides, I'm going to enjoy this. In exchange for what you did to Seska."

He nodded to one of his men, who came over to Janeway and began to untie her bindings. She forced herself not to flinch when he came close, steeling herself against what was about to happen.

When she was untied, Cullah said, "Stand up."

She ignored him and was immediately forced to her feet. Cullah had his men strip her clothes off but she refused to feel embarrassed, keeping eye contact with Cullah the entire time.

"You human women have no sense of humility. It's disgusting."

He hit her across her cheekbone and she was able to keep her balance and stay standing, but the next blow knocked her to the ground. She knew that they were probably broadcasting this to Voyager and her only goal was to keep as much dignity as possible, for her crew's sake.

The men converged on her, pummeling her body with their feet and fists. She concentrated on keeping her mouth shut and didn't make a noise, even when she felt one of her ribs crack.

Eventually, the Maje stopped them and she was dragged to her feet again. They tied her wrists together and raised her arms up above her head, stringing her to a hook attached to the ceiling. It lifted her off her feet, her toes barely reaching the ceiling.

The Maje came close to her and said, "You better hope your crew comes for you soon."

* * *

Janeway wasn't sure how long they left her like that. She drifted in and out of consciousness, until her parched throat kept her from sleeping at all. Her shoulder joints burned from the stress, until it was all she could do to keep from screaming in agony. Her cracked rib was making it hard for her to breathe.

They had turned the lights off in both her room and the one next door, so she couldn't see Addison. The temperature was also turned down, and Janeway worried she was going to get frostbite.

She knew it wouldn't be much longer than a day or two until Voyager got here, so she just had to make it through until then.

Every so often, Cullah would come with his men and they would remove her from the hook and beat her. These times were even more agonizing, as her joints couldn't adjust quickly enough to the change in pressure.

Still, she kept her mouth shut and when none of their actions elicited a response from Janeway, Cullah brought in a tank and watched while his men held Kathryn's head under water. She tried not to panic, knowing that she would only waste oxygen by doing so. Eventually, though, they held her under long enough so that she passed out trying to fight to get to the surface.

Compared to what Janeway knew about torture, the Kazon weren't extremely effective in their methods. It was enough, however, that Kathryn's body starting responding when the men entered the room, shaking in fear of what was going to happen to her. She did her best to keep her mind from following suit.

This time, she heard the door open and close and she jerked when she felt a hand on her.

"It didn't take much for your crew to decide to come get you. Our sensors are showing that they are on their way. I wonder what it was like for your crew to watch you over the last day."

He undid the bindings to her wrists and she fell to the ground, her legs unable to hold her up. A small noise escaped her lips when her arms fell to her side and she felt dizzy and nauseated as the waves of pain hit her.

Cullah didn't wait for her to recover, but dragged her up to the mirror, where he pushed her into the chair and tied her. He pressed a button and the lights came on, illuminating Addison on the other side.

"Now that your ship is coming, Captain, I need you to give me Voyager's command codes."

Janeway tried to laugh, but her throat was too dry to create any sound. Cullah beckoned behind her and she felt a glass being pressed to her lips. She sputtered as the water was forced into her mouth and winced at the pain swallowing brought to her throat.

They gave her just enough to wet her vocal chords, but not enough to sate her thirst.

Her voice croaked when she finally spoke, "What makes you think I am going to give you those?"

She was nervous though, looking at Addison on the other side. She watched as a Kazon guard appeared on the other side of the mirror and kicked at Addison. When she didn't respond, he leaned over and shook her. Finally, Addison woke and sat up, pulling herself away from the man.

A chair and bench had been added to the room, but otherwise it was empty.

"From what Ensign Meru says, you have quite a relationship with this woman. Obviously, since you thought it was worth it to come rescue her. I'm wondering what else you'll do for her."

Janeway watched as Ensign Meru entered Addison's room. Addison flinched away as Timmy came near her and lifted his hand, but he only stroked her face with it, pushing her hair out of the way.

"Meru has been having fun with her, but I think he's hoping to do much more. I told him I thought you would enjoy watching."

Cullah pressed another button and abruptly Janeway could hear what was being said between Meru and Addison.

He was telling her to stand up and she was refusing.

Finally, he grabbed her hair and tried to drag her over to the bench. She fought him, kicking and biting with the little energy she had until he pushed her away and pulled out the remote he had showed Janeway the day before. Her body convulsed when he hit the button, but this time she didn't scream.

When it stopped, Meru looked at Addison and said, "Are you going to listen to me, now? Get up."

She slowly rose to her feet and when she was standing, he said, "Take off your clothes."

She spit in his face.

His first reaction was to knock her to the ground, but then he activated the remote again, leaving it on until Addison was begging him to stop.

Meru repeated himself, "Take off your clothes, bitch."

Addison got to her feet unsteadily, keeping her eyes on Timmy. He was sneering at her, waiting for her to comply. Instead, she put her head down and charged him, throwing her shoulder into his gut. He grunted as the air was knocked out of him and they both tumbled to the ground. Addison pummeled him until two guards rushed into the room and pulled her off.

She struggled against them, but one of them held her arms and the other struck her until she stopped moving.

Meru walked up to her, "You're just making it worse for yourself. And delaying the inevitable."

Addison lifted her head, "I will never do anything for you."

Timmy turned away and nodded at the mirror.

Janeway had been watching the interaction between Meru and Addison without any expression on her face. She knew that Cullah expected her to react and Janeway knew she couldn't give him the satisfaction.

"You could stop this, Captain."

"It seems, Maje, that Addison is holding her own just fine."

She watched him warily when he didn't respond but walked over to her and untied her hands and feet from the chair. His men grabbed her and dragged her out of the room and down the hall.

They pushed her through the door to the room Addison was in and threw her on the floor.

Addison raised her head to see what was happening and when she saw Kathryn her entire body slumped.

"No. No!" She was shaking her head and staring at a naked Kathryn, who was trying to stand, despite her aching body. "I told you not to come. You shouldn't be here. I told you."

Janeway had gotten herself onto her knees, the most she could do with her dysfunctional shoulders and frozen limbs.

"I wasn't going to leave you behind. You couldn't have expected that from me, Addison."

Meru had walked over to Janeway and was standing behind her.

"You look so much better like this, Captain." He said the word 'captain' with derision in his voice.

He looked up at Addison, who was still being held with her arms behind her back. "If you're not going to cooperate, Addison, maybe Kathryn will be more accommodating."

He raked his hands through Janeway's hair and then rubbed her chest.

"Mmm, I've dreamed of this ever since we arrived on Voyager."

Janeway tried not to react to his touch and she snorted at him, "And we all know this is the only way you would ever get the chance to have your hands on me."

He cuffed her hard on the side of the head and Janeway saw stars for a moment.

"Stop." Addison spoke the word quietly.

"Stop what, Addison?" Meru was smiling.

"If I do what you want, you won't touch her, right?"

"Addison, no." Janeway shook her head, knowing what Addison was thinking.

But both Addison and Meru ignored her.

"Yes, that's right. If you do what I want, I'll leave the Captain alone."

Janeway got angry that they were ignoring her, "Ensign Blake, this is not your decision. I am ordering you not to do anything."

But Addison still didn't acknowledge Janeway. Instead, she shook off the men holding her and started stripping off her clothes.

Meru watched Addison, still stroking Janeway's breasts.

Addison noticed and she stopped what she was doing and said softly, "Timmy, do you want me or not?" Her voice had a note of seduction in it.

His hands dropped from Janeway.

Addison finished taking her clothes off and walked over to the bench. Kathryn scanned Addison's body, which was not only bruised but also had red stripes marking her stomach, back, and thighs.

Janeway made one last attempt, "Don't do this, Addison."

Addison only looked back at Meru before getting down on her knees at the end of the bench and laying her stomach on it. Her legs were spread invitingly and she rested her head on the bench, sideways.

Addison watched Meru walk towards her but once he left her view, her eyes shifted to Janeway.

Kathryn shook her head at her, sick that the woman wouldn't listen to her and sick that she couldn't do anything to change it.

Meru had gone to the side of the room, where he picked up what looked like a wooden rod and walked back to Addison. Now Janeway knew where the welts had come from on Addison's body.

Kathryn started to drag herself towards Addison, feeling helpless. Her body was failing her and she could barely move.

Timmy had reached Addison and positioned himself behind her. He brought his arm up and the cane whistled through the air before striking Addison on the back of her thighs. Her body jerked and her hands grasped at the bench as she tried to hold herself down.

She was still looking at Kathryn, their eyes locked. Janeway was slowly closing the distance between them, but didn't reach her until Meru had hit Addison two more times.

Meru wasn't concerned about Janeway getting close. In fact, he seemed pleased to be able to watch the two women together.

Kathryn pulled herself up to Addison, leaning against the bench so that she was near Addison's head. She laced her hand together with one of Addison's and stroked Addison's hair with her other hand.

Addison closed her eyes and the only indication that she was still conscious was the small grunt she would make when the cane impacted on her flesh. Meru was taking less time between strikes, working his way up to her back. Addison's skin was bloody and swollen.

Janeway couldn't see how Addison could take much more when the door to the room opened and Cullah walked in.

Meru stopped with the Maje entered.

Cullah looked at Janeway and said, "None of this needs to be happening."

Janeway shook her head at him, "I'm not helping you."

Cullah gave a small nod to Meru and Timmy starting unbuckling his pants. He stepped closer to Addison and felt between her legs with a hand.

Addison's eyes opened when he did that and she whimpered, but she didn't resist. Janeway leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, trying to distract and reassure her.

She whispered into Addison's ear, "Just hang on for a little bit longer."

Janeway turned to Cullah and said, "This isn't going to work."

He shrugged and said, "Meru will be more than happy if you don't help us. And scans of your ship show that repairs haven't been completed. Either you cooperate and we'll spare the life of you and your crew or you'll all be destroyed."

Janeway shook her head, "My command codes won't do you any good. You really think I would leave Voyager without changing the codes in the event I was captured?"

Cullah smirked, "Ensign Meru already told me that you have backup codes that can be used, so don't try that with me."

Janeway looked away, frowning, and Meru sniggered, "You underestimated us, Captain."

"Make your decision now, Janeway. Voyager will be here in minutes and time is running out."

Janeway stalled, but when Timmy took a step back towards Addison she said, "Okay, fine. But I want you to promise you'll leave Addison alone."

Meru stepped back, disappointed

Addison lifted her head and said, "No, Captain! Don't."

It was Janeway's turn to ignore Addison, though, and she continued speaking when Cullah nodded his assent.

She listed off a number of codes, which Cullah wrote down. He turned to leave the room and Meru followed, leaving the two women behind with a guard stationed at the door.

As soon as they were gone, Janeway used what little strength she had to wrap her body around as much of Addison as she could reach. They were both shivering from the cold.

A few minutes later, the ship rocked and Janeway knew that Voyager had arrived. She pulled Addison closer and whispered in her ear, "I need you to focus for just a few more minutes. We need to get out of this room. Do you think you have the energy?"

Addison nodded and pushed herself away from Kathryn, standing up. She began to walk towards the guard, who lifted his rifle and aimed it at her.

"Stay where you are."

Addison smiled coyly and said, "I just want to get my clothes." She pointed at the pile, which was sitting next to the man.

"You don't need your clothes."

"No, but she's freezing." She waved behind her at Janeway, who didn't have to pretend to be cold. "If you let me use my clothes to keep her warm, I'll make it up to you."

Addison hadn't stopped walking the entire time and now was only feet away from the guard.

The man hesitated and in that moment, Addison got down on her knees in front of him and reached up and started to undo his belt. He relaxed and smiled at her.

As soon as his guard was down, Addison pulled his belt out in one motion, got quickly to her feet, and wrapped it around his neck. She twisted away from him, just as he realized what was happening, and the belt tightened around his throat. He struggled, reaching out with his arms to grab at her, but she lowered herself down and pulled, leveraging herself so that he flipped over her and onto his back. It took less than a minute before he stopped struggling and lay still.

Addison quickly grabbed her clothes and put them on and then stripped the guard and took the clothes over to the Captain. She helped Kathryn pull on the shirt and pants, which were too big, but would have to do.

Addison helped Kathryn stand and they walked slowly to the door, Janeway trying to get her legs to support her.

"We need to get to a computer terminal."

They peered out the door into the hallway, but nobody was around, everyone occupied with the fight with Voyager.

The women made their way through the ship, peering into room after room until they came to a bay that was empty and had a computer station. Addison stood guard while Janeway tried to access the system.

"I can't get into the main computer, but Cullah's already entered Voyager's command codes into the system. I need to activate them."

She punched a few buttons and then spoke, "Janeway to Voyager, do you read me?"

There was no response.

"Janeway to Voyager. Are you there?"

This time, Chakotay responded, "Captain, this is Voyager. We're not holding up well over here – were you able to activate the security codes?"

"I'm working on it, Commander. I need you to keep them distracted for a little bit longer."

"Understood, we'll beam you over as soon as you get their shields down."

Janeway continued working at the console and just as she had figured out how to access the system she needed she heard Addison scream and turned to see her fall to the ground.

Kathryn hesitated, knowing that she needed to finish her work here but wanting to go to Addison. She forced herself to focus and it only took her a few more seconds to complete her work.

She started to move towards Addison, who was in obvious pain, when the door to the bay opened and Ensign Meru came running through.

At the same time, the ship shuddered and Janeway could hear a series of explosions tear through the ship.

Meru was thrown to his feet and the control he was holding skittered across the floor. As soon as it left his hand, Addison stopped moving, the pain ceasing.

Adrenaline rushed through Janeway and she forced her legs to move, running over to where Timmy was trying to get to his feet. She hurled her weight at him, knocking him to the ground again, and started to hit him as hard as she could.

She was no match for him, though, and he quickly pushed her off of him. He stood up and kicked her and she grasped at her stomach as his foot impacted her already broken rib.

She looked up and saw that he had pulled out a phaser and was aiming it at her.

He had a perverse grin on his face and he said, "Good bye, Captain. With you gone, Addison and I can be together forever."

She saw him flick a switch on the weapon, probably changing it to a more severe setting. Kathryn closed her eyes and waited for it to be over.

Instead, she heard something hit the ground in front of her and when she opened her eyes, Meru was lying on the ground with a hole in his chest and the clothing around it singed.

Janeway turned around to see Addison on her knees, rifle still pointed in Timmy's direction.

Kathryn slumped in relief and once again dragged herself to her feet, unsure of how much more her body could take.

"Are you okay?" She asked Addison.

Addison didn't respond, still staring at Timmy.

Janeway made it back to the control panel which she leaned on to keep herself standing.

"Janeway to Voyager. We need you to get us out of here now. What is your status?"

"Only another minute, Captain. Their shields won't hold out much longer."

"Transport us directly to sickbay when you can, Commander."

Janeway let herself slide to the floor then and a moment later, she blacked out.


	14. Chapter 14

"Captain?"

Janeway could hear her name, but struggled to open her eyes. Everything felt heavy and a dull ache made it difficult to move her muscles.

"Captain, can you hear me?"

It was the Doctor's voice. Janeway tried to speak but nothing came out. She couldn't figure out if she had even opened her mouth at all.

"Kes, bring me a hypospray." The Doctor's voice was right next to Janeway.

Kathryn felt pressure on her neck and a second later her body relaxed and the pain diminished. She cautiously opened her eyes, letting them adjust to the bright lights of sickbay.

"Doctor? What's going on?"

"I'm sorry we had to wake you, Captain. You're on Voyager and we need to treat your wounds. But Ensign Blake won't let us touch her until she knows you're alright. Her injuries are serious and need attention immediately."

Janeway tried to sit up, but her body still wasn't listening to her completely.

Kes rushed to her side to assist her, "Slowly, Captain. We gave you a pain block but you haven't been treated yet."

When she was sitting, she looked around and found Addison watching her from the other side of the room.

"Ensign, come here."

Addison moved towards her, hesitantly. She stumbled halfway and grabbed onto a medical console to keep herself upright. She stayed there, giving up her attempt to make it to the Captain.

Janeway gestured to the Doctor, who went over to Addison, and then said, "Let the Doctor help you. I'm fine."

Addison took one more look at Janeway and then let the Doctor assist her to a biobed.

Janeway watched Addison, relief flooding her as she was able to relax now that they were both safely back on Voyager. Kes helped her lay back down and told her they were going to sedate her so they could fix her rib.

She woke again to find the lights in sickbay dimmed. This time, she felt no pain and she found she could move her body parts with ease. She sat up slowly to find sickbay empty other than Addison's prone form next to her.

She hopped off the biobed and leaned over Addison, whose face was still bruised. Not wanting to wake her, Janeway left the main portion of sickbay and went to the Doctor's office, where she found him sitting at his desk.

"Ah, Captain. You're awake! How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine, Doctor. How long was I out?"

"It's been twelve hours. Your body needed the sleep. Your injuries weren't individually life threatening, but the stress put on your body was extreme. We were able to fix everything, but it will still take some time for you to recover completely."

"And Addison?"

The Doctor frowned, "We have treated all of her severe injuries and I removed the device that the Kazon inserted to control her pain receptors. She had internal bleeding, broken ribs, and multiple fractured bones in her face."

"Why does she still have bruises then?"

"She wouldn't let us treat any superficial injuries."

"I'm sorry?"

"She insisted that we not treat her external injuries. Since they are not life threatening, I have no choice but to abide by her wishes."

"Did she give a reason?"

"No, Captain, but she was adamant. She would not let me treat any of her injuries until I had promised."

"I'd like you to treat her now, Doctor."

The Doctor looked at her for a moment and said, "I'm sorry, Captain. I can't do that. Not without her permission."

"Doctor, I'm ordering you to treat her."

He shook his head, "If it were a matter of life and death, Captain, you could order me to do that. But since it isn't, I am under an obligation to do as she asks. I'm sorry."

Janeway glared at the EMH but he didn't back down. "Fine, Doctor. When do you expect that she'll be awake?"

"I'd like to let her rest through the night. I would also like you to stay here so that I can monitor you."

"I am fine, Doctor. I don't see any reason to stay. If I feel any pain, you will be the first to know." She walked out of the office and back over to Addison.

The Doctor had done some work on Addison's face, as her eye wasn't swollen shut anymore. But both eyes had bruises underneath them. Kathryn lifted up the sheet covering Addison and was dismayed to find bruises covering most of her body. The welts and cuts were still there from the cane, as well.

She couldn't understand why Addison wouldn't have wanted the Doctor to treat all of her injuries.

Janeway stood there for a few more minutes before leaving sickbay. She returned to her quarters and took a quick shower, changed into her uniform, and then called to Chakotay.

Kathryn made stops in engineering and chatted with her bridge crew for a bit before meeting Chakotay in her ready room. They reviewed the events of the last few days and put together a report to add to the logs.

Overall, everything had gone as planned, although Chakotay was not happy with how close they had come to losing the Captain.

When they were finished he said, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine. The Doctor fixed me right up."

"That's not what I meant, Kathryn."

She shook her head, "Really, I'll be okay. It wasn't as bad for me as it could have been."

"I saw it all, Kathryn, and I don't think you should underestimate the affect it could have on you."

Janeway sighed, wishing Chakotay would let it go. She would adjust, she always did.

She had noticed that on her short walk from her quarters to the bridge, she had tensed anytime somebody had come close to her. It would take time, but she would get over it.

"Chakotay, I appreciate your concern, but I'm okay. It's Ensign Blake that we need to worry about."

Chakotay said, "What are your plans regarding the Ensign now that this is all over?"

Janeway shook her head, "I don't know. I was astounded by the crews reaction, but it's one thing to say they accept it in theory. It's another thing to accept it in reality."

"Give it a chance, Captain. See how it plays out."

Kathryn nodded.

Just her short time interacting with the crew and Chakotay had left her exhausted. She dismissed the Commander and went back to her quarters where she fell into a restless sleep.

She was awoken by her commbadge, "Doctor to Captain Janeway."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Ensign Blake is awake."

"I'll be right there.

Janeway hadn't bothered to take off her uniform before lying down and so she only needed to look in the mirror and straighten her hair before heading to sickbay.

It was already late morning and Addison was sitting up on the bed when Janeway arrived. Addison looked at the Captain, but didn't acknowledge her in any other way.

Janeway walked up to the bed, placing her hands on the surface.

"How are you feeling, Ensign?" The Doctor and Kes were in the room, as well as a few other crewmembers and while Janeway wanted nothing more than to touch Addison, she restrained herself.

"I'm fine." There was no expression on Addison's face.

"The Doctor tells me that you won't let him treat the bruises and welts."

Addison didn't respond.

"Addison. What's going on?"

"Nothing, Captain. The Doctor said he could release me as soon as you give the okay. I'd like to go see Tuvok so that I can get back to work."

"You're not going back to work right away. You need to heal first."

"I am healed. The Doctor fixed everything important. I feel fine to work. I'd like to go back to my quarters now."

Janeway knew it wouldn't be an easy transition for Addison, coming back to the ship. But she hadn't been expecting this attitude.

"Addison, you need to process everything that happened with the Kazon. We need to talk about it. And I don't want you to stay in your quarters by yourself."

"Where do you suggest I'm going to stay then, Captain?"

"With me."

Addison laughed grimly at that, "With you? I don't think that's appropriate, do you?"

"I don't care if it's appropriate or not. I am not leaving you alone."

Addison snorted, "I'm not staying with you."

Janeway was taken aback. Addison was acting almost hostile towards her.

"It's not a choice, Ensign."

Addison turned away from Janeway and said, "No, of course it's not."

"You can move back to your quarters as soon as you let the Doctor heal the rest of your injuries or until you talk to me about what happened on the Kazon ship. Until then, I'd like you to pack your things by this afternoon."

"Fine, Captain. I guess I'll see you in your quarters, then." She emphasized the word 'your'. "Permission to leave sickbay."

Janeway nodded, unhappy with the way the conversation had gone. She had expected to talk to Addison about what had happened, not for Addison to close up on her. She thought Addison would have been thrilled that Janeway wanted her to stay in her quarters. Instead, Addison was angry. At her. It didn't make any sense.

She watched Addison walk out of sickbay and felt even worse than she had while she was being tortured.

* * *

Addison had gone back to her quarters to shower and change. She didn't bother going to see Tuvok, knowing that he would order her to take some time off. Instead, after her shower, she spent some time cleaning up her quarters. They had been ransacked by the Kazon and while she didn't have anything of value for them to have taken, they had thrown her things everywhere.

After everything was put back in place, she packed the things that she knew she would need while staying at the Captain's. She didn't know how long she would be there, but she was sure she wouldn't either be letting the Doctor treat her or be talking to the Captain about whatever it was she wanted her to talk about.

It was late afternoon when she had finished. She didn't have anything else to do so she left her quarters, dropped her things off at the Captain's quarters, and went to the gym to work out. She took the long route, since it took her through parts of the ship that were usually less occupied. Even so, she encountered some people, the first she had seen since coming back to Voyager.

They greeted her like a celebrity. Some of them just smiled at her, but most of them shook her hand or patted her on the back. All of them welcomed her back enthusiastically.

She tried to respond to them appropriately. She smiled back and answered their questions. When they touched her, she didn't pull back from them, even when they inadvertently touched her bruises.

Thankfully, the gym was empty when she got there. The Doctor had told her to take it easy, but Addison had no plans to do that.

She went for a run first and was sweating in no time. The beads ran down her back and fell into the welts, setting her skin on fire. She ignored it and pressed on.

When she was sufficiently warmed up, she sat on the floor and stretched. Her muscles stretched across her bones and her wounds protested even more. Still, she didn't let it stop her.

She didn't even notice the pain as she focused on practicing her forms, concentrating completely on making sure her kicks, punches, and footwork were perfect.

It wasn't until she finished that she realized what she done. Her t-shirt was soaked with sweat, but when she looked in the mirror at her back, it was also laced with blood. The cuts had opened up from all the twisting.

She threw on a long sleeved shirt over her t-shirt and went back to her quarters, so she wouldn't risk the Captain seeing the blood. When she got there the door was locked. She tried her security code, but that didn't work.

"Blake to Janeway."

"This is Janeway."

"Do you know why my quarters are locked, Captain?"

"Yes, they'll be closed until we agree that you can move back."

Rage shot through Addison. She couldn't even respond.

"I'm heading to my quarters now, Addison. I assume I will see you there shortly?"

Addison calmed herself down enough to speak, "Of course, Captain."

* * *

Janeway heard the frost in Addison's voice, but chose to ignore it. She hadn't wanted to lock Addison's quarters, but she was scared to let Addison be alone. And she knew that if Addison were allowed, she would spend all her daytime hours there.

She expected to see Addison in her quarters when she arrived, but other than a pile of Addison's things, they were empty. She puttered around for a few minutes and changed into more casual clothes. Finally, her doors beeped.

She called out, "Enter."

Addison strolled into the room, covered in sweat.

"What were you doing?"

"I was making sure I burned off enough energy so I could be amicable when I arrived here."

Janeway didn't even know where to start.

"You were working out? You shouldn't be doing that."

Addison didn't respond. She walked over to the replicator and asked the computer for water. When she turned around, she looked at the empty table.

"I guess you were waiting for me to make you dinner?"

"Addison, what are you doing?"

"I'm doing what you want, Captain."

"What I want is for you to talk to me about what you're feeling."

Addison walked to her things and pulled out a towel and a change of clothes.

"I need to take a shower." She started to walk to the bathroom, but Janeway followed her and pulled on her arm, spinning her around.

"Stop. Why are you so angry?"

Addison's eyes flashed and she pushed Janeway away.

"You wanted me back on Voyager, you got me. You want me to stay in your quarters, here I am. If you want me to make your dinner, just tell me. But don't expect anything else from me."

She stalked out of the room, leaving Kathryn stunned.

While Addison was showering, Kathryn made dinner for both of them. It took Addison longer than normal and Kathryn was waiting at the table for her when she emerged.

Addison took one look at the food and said, "I'm not hungry."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"The Doctor gave me nutritional supplements. I assume I'm sleeping on the couch?"

"Is that where you'd like to stay?"

"If you want me to sleep with you, just say it, Captain."

Kathryn put her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands. When she raised it, her eyes were weary.

"Addison, this is hard for both of us. Tell me what you want."

"I want to go to sleep."

Janeway nodded and said, "Fine. You can use my bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

She expected an argument but Addison just walked into the bedroom without a backwards glance.

Kathryn stayed up for awhile after that to do work, stopping every so often to listen for any sounds from Addison. She couldn't understand where the anger was coming from. She had expected to have to comfort Addison when they got back, to assure her that they could get past what was done to her.

She thought the torture would push Addison back into her old anxiety and uncertainty. But it was like the opposite had happened.

Janeway's thoughts were interrupted by sounds coming from the bedroom. She got up and peered around the corner, where Addison was tossing and turning in bed. She was groaning like she was in pain.

Kathryn walked over to her and leaned over the bed. Addison had thrown the covers off herself and the shirt she had worn to bed had bunched up, exposing her torso. Janeway gasped when she saw the raw flesh.

The wounds were all reopened and oozing. Some were bleeding.

Kathryn reached out and touched Addison.

Addison screamed. She still hadn't woken, but rolled away from Janeway, onto her back.

She screamed again when her back rubbed against the sheets and it was then that she woke up.

She pulled herself up and stared at Kathryn, eyes wild.

"Addison, it's okay. You're on Voyager."

Kathryn reached out a hand, but Addison moved away from it.

"We need to get you to the Doctor."

"I'm fine. I don't need to see the Doctor." She was back in reality now.

"It's not a request, Addison. We're going to see him."

Addison got off the bed and stared at Kathryn.

"No, I'm not. Please leave."

Kathryn pleaded with her, "Addison, please stop pushing me away. We can deal with this together."

"Get out now. I don't want you here."

Kathryn felt like she had been punched in the gut.

"Addison, please…"

"Get. Out."

Addison sat back down on the bed, with her back to the Captain. Janeway waited a few more seconds before giving up and leaving.

* * *

They were both exhausted in the morning. Neither of them had slept well. Kathryn's thoughts had been going a mile a minute all night and Addison's back was in so much pain she couldn't have slept even if she had wanted to.

Neither of them spoke when they first got up, an awkward silence filling the room. They were sitting at the table, Janeway eating breakfast, thinking about how concerned she was about Addison's health.

"Addison, I understand you don't want to see the Doctor about your back, but will you at least let me look at it?"

"I can take care of it myself, Captain."

"You promise that you'll take care of it?"

Addison let out an exasperated sigh, "Yes, I promise."

"What are your plans today?"

"Not much, I guess, since I'm not allowed to work. I fail to see why it's okay for you to work, but not for me."

"Don't start, Addison. We both know why you're not ready to go back on duty."

Janeway stood up from the table and headed out the door to start her shift, "Maybe you can take some time to relax. Go to the holodeck and do something peaceful. I reserved some time for you for later today."

"You should go before you're late."

Kathryn sighed and left her quarters. She spent the entire morning distracted, unable to get any work done. She was constantly asking people to repeat what they had just said to her and finally she retired to her ready room so she wouldn't have to interact with anybody else.

Finally, she asked the computer where Addison was.

"Ensign Blake is currently in Holodeck Two."

Janeway tapped her console and pulled up the holodeck logs to see what program Addison was running. When she saw, she immediately left her ready room and made her way to the holodeck, half running.

The doors were locked when she got there and when she went to override them, she saw that the safeties were off.

When the doors opened, she rushed through them to find Addison in the middle of a fight with three Cardassians.

She was wearing only tight elastic shorts and a sports bra. She had blood all over her back and just as Janeway entered, one of the Cardassians delivered a blow that sent Addison sprawling.

She hopped right back up, though, and ran back into the middle of the three men.

Janeway, who had been paralyzed with shock at first, yelled, "Computer, pause program."

As soon as Addison realized what had happened, she turned to Janeway.

She rushed at her yelling, "You just can't leave me alone, can you! Don't you get it? I don't want you. I don't need you."

She approached Janeway and took a swing at her. Janeway easily blocked it and Addison swung with her other arm. Kathryn grabbed that arm too and the two women wrestled for a minute.

Addison was already weak from pain and exhausted from not having slept. Before long, Janeway had subdued her. She held her on the ground, Addison struggling ineffectually.

"Let me go! You bitch, why can't you just let me go? Why do you have to control everything?"

Janeway asked her the same question she had already asked before, "Why are you so mad at me?"

Addison tried to push her away, "You should have left me behind."

"What on earth would make you believe I would ever leave you behind?"

"Because I wanted you to! I needed you to. But you only think of yourself. You control everything. You control my entire life and you couldn't let me have that one thing."

"Is that how you see it? That I came to get you because I didn't want you to feel useful?"

"No, I think you came to get me because you were about to lose your fuck buddy. The one person who would never tell anybody else what we were doing. It was perfect, until someone found out. And then it was a mistake. I was a mistake."

"Oh, Addison. Is that how you think of me? You were never a mistake. I never should have said that. I was scared."

"So was I. Did you ever think of that?"

Janeway's heart sank. She had been selfish. And controlling. How could she not have seen that?

Kathryn let go of Addison and said, "I'm sorry, Addison. You're right."

Addison pushed away from her and stood up, "It's not enough."


	15. Chapter 15

Addison had tried to leave the holodeck, but Janeway knew she couldn't back down on the fact that Addison needed medical attention.

"We're going to sickbay. The Doctor needs to look at your wounds."

Addison had turned back to the Captain, "You just can't help yourself, can you? I will go to sickbay when and if I feel I need medical attention."

"This isn't about me being controlling, Addison. This is about the fact that you're purposely putting yourself in harm's way. Either you go to sickbay or you let me clean up your back myself. I'm giving you a choice. Decide or I will have security escort you to see the Doctor."

Janeway could see anger rise to Addison's face, but the woman locked it down quickly.

"Fine, you can look at it. But I only want you to clean the cuts. Nothing more."

"I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself."

"You don't understand a lot, Captain."

They walked back to Janeway's quarters in silence.

When they got there, Addison stripped off her clothes and lay down on the bed. Kathryn replicated warm water, antiseptic wash, and an antibiotic salve and went to sit next to Addison.

She gently washed away the blood and scrubbed at the skin, trying to get rid of any dead skin and scabs. Addison didn't make a noise and kept her head turned away from the Captain.

Janeway talked while she worked.

"I just want you to listen to what I have to say. You don't have to answer."

"I was wrong. I've been wrong this entire time. You're right, I've been using you. And you've put up with it. I can try to explain it away by saying that I was confused. That I didn't know how to balance my feelings for you and what I thought was right for the ship. But that doesn't change the fact that I've been supremely unfair to you."

"You have to understand though, it's my job to be in control. That's what has gotten Voyager this far. It's difficult for me to let go, especially when it could put someone I care about at risk."

"I can't lose you, Addison. I would do anything in my power to keep you safe. Even if you don't want me to. I would rather have you hate me, but be alive, than have you dead."

Her voice cracked as she said the next words, "I love you."

Addison didn't react. She let Kathryn finish putting the salve on her back and got up when she was done.

She gingerly pulled a shirt on over her head and picked a pair of loose pants that wouldn't rub against her skin too much.

When she was dressed, she told Kathryn she was going to go for a walk.

Before she went out the door, she said, "It's too late."

* * *

Addison was working out a few days later when Lieutenant Torres walked into the gym. B'Elanna smiled at Addison, but left her alone and started her own workout.

B'Elanna finished first and stretched while she watched Addison. She was impressed by how hard the woman pushed herself.

Nobody had seen much of the Ensign since she and the Captain had gotten back and everybody was more interested in her than ever.

Even Torres had been surprised by how readily the crew had accepted Janeway's relationship with Ensign Blake. Not many of them understood the connection and their acceptance didn't stop them from gossiping, but Addison's complete willingness to sacrifice herself for the ship had kept the grumbling to a minimum.

Knowing that the Captain would never enter into a relationship with somebody average, Torres was intrigued by the woman in front of her. She studied her more closely than she had in the past.

Addison was practicing her forms, as she did every day. B'Elanna watched the flowing movements of Addison's long, lithe arms and legs and, at least, didn't fault the Captain for her physical attraction.

Addison moved with confidence and authority. Her serene face mimicked the smooth motions and B'Elanna concluded that her demeanor also added to her appeal. It was different than how B'Elanna had seen her in the past and she wondered if Addison had been like this while she and the Captain had been stranded on that planet.

When Addison was done, she walked around to cool down and then sat down on the mat near the Lieutenant to stretch. Torres couldn't help but notice the bruises on Addison's face and arms and wondered why the Doctor hadn't treated them.

"I'm surprised the Doctor has given you the okay to exercise, since you're not completely healed yet."

Addison looked up at B'Elanna in surprise. The woman had never spoken directly to her before.

"He didn't, Lieutenant."

"Call me B'Elanna. I don't hold much stock in protocol outside of work. So, the Doctor didn't give you the go ahead, but Janeway is letting you anyway?"

Addison looked quizzically at Torres, unsure whether the humor in her voice was good willed or sarcastic.

"No, the Captain doesn't know I'm here."

B'Elanna let out a laugh, "Well, I guess we know who is holding the reins in your relationship. The last time I was hurt, Janeway made sure I was following the Doctor's orders to the letter."

"Relationship?" Addison looked confused.

"Yes. You and the Captain. You are in a relationship, right?"

"Why would you say that?"

"We just assumed. Timmy told us what was going on and then Janeway went and got you and now you're living with her."

Addison looked down.

"We're not in a relationship."

Now it was B'Elanna's turn to look confused.

"Oh. Why are you living with her then?" She didn't want to pry but her curiosity was getting the best of her.

"She's worried about my health so she wanted to be able to monitor me." That was the simple answer.

It didn't make sense to B'Elanna, but she let it go.

"Listen, some of us are going to Sandrine's tomorrow night. Would you like to come?"

"Thank you, Lieutenant, but I don't know."

"It's B'Elanna. And I insist. I'll buy you a drink. We're meeting at 2100, I'll see you there?"

Addison nodded, unable to come up with an excuse not to. Besides, maybe it would be good to be able to get away from the Captain.

* * *

Janeway had let Addison be since she had told her that she loved her. Afterwards, Addison had left and hadn't come back until late. Janeway had resisted asking the computer where she had gone.

In general, the Captain was good at letting things go. She wasn't one to dwell or hang on to useless feelings. Even so, she was hurt by Addison's glib response to her announcement. Not that she didn't deserve it, but she has hoped that it would help to patch up what was wrong between the two of them.

That same night, Janeway had once again slept on the couch. Again, Addison had started screaming in her sleep. Kathryn had gone in to check on her.

Addison had been sweaty and shaking but still tried to push Kathryn away.

"No, Addison. I don't care what you feel towards me. You need somebody with you."

Addison gave in and let Kathryn pull her close. Addison had fallen asleep in Kathryn's arms. Throughout the night, Addison would continue to make noises and Kathryn would wake up and soothe her.

The next morning, though, Addison got out of bed and didn't acknowledge her.

The same thing happened the next night and by the third night, Janeway insisted on starting out the night with Addison instead of moving from the couch to the bed in the middle of the night.

The next evening, Addison came home after working out, distracted by her conversation with B'Elanna and not realizing it was already dinnertime. She had made it a habit of making meals for the Captain, leaving them out for her, and then going out so Janeway didn't force her to sit at the table.

This time, Janeway was already back when Addison arrived. The Captain was attempting to make dinner herself.

When she saw Addison, she said, "I'm just about to have dinner, join me."

She had stopped requesting things of Addison. Instead, she just told her and hoped Addison listened.

"No, thank you, Captain. I'm fine."

She didn't look fine. It seemed as if she had lost weight since the Kazon attack and she looked exhausted.

"When was the last time you ate?"

Addison rolled her eyes, "I ate earlier."

"What did you eat?"

"I don't remember, Captain. Something for breakfast."

"Remember. I want to know." Janeway hated it when she used her command voice with Addison. It was the only way she could get her to respond.

"Fine. I haven't eaten today. Happy?"

"No, I'm not happy. When was the last time you ate?"

"I can't remember. Yesterday."

"Sit down and eat something or I'm sending you to sickbay."

"Captain, this isn't necessary."

"Addison. Now." She stared Addison down until the woman took a chair.

Kathryn pushed half a sandwich in front of Addison and waited. It took Addison ten minutes of being coaxed to finish the whole thing.

"See? That wasn't so difficult."

But it apparently had been because Addison got up abruptly and rushed to the bathroom, where Janeway could hear her throwing up.

Kathryn followed her in and held her hair back while she heaved over the toilet.

When she was finished, she pulled away from Kathryn and said, "Please stop trying to help me."

She got up, washed her face and hastily changed her clothes.

"I'm going to meet B'Elanna at Sandrine's. Is that okay with you?" She didn't wait for an answer before walking out the door.

* * *

When Addison got to the holodeck, she had to will herself to go inside. It was a boisterous atmosphere when she entered and she almost turned around and walked right out.

B'Elanna saw her though and greeted her enthusiastically.

"Addison! You came. Come over here and sit with us."

She was sitting with Tom and Harry.

Addison smiled shyly at them and sat.

B'Elanna waved to the bartender who came over and asked Addison what she wanted.

Addison wasn't a big fan of synthehol, not having drunk it much before coming on Voyager. But she ordered a glass of wine anyway.

Before long, she was laughing along to Tom's antics, Harry's fresh faced enthusiasm and B'Elanna's sharp wit.

Not too many people knew it, but when Addison was comfortable, her personality was loaded with sarcasm. The Captain was the only person aboard Voyager who had experienced it.

The drink allowed Addison to let go of some of her inhibitions. It probably affected her more than normal, since she hadn't eaten in almost three days.

Tom, whose ego was slightly wounded that Addison had picked the Captain over him, had been teasing her all evening.

"I guess I can't compete with Janeway though. Who could? Tell me, what did she have to do to catch you?"

Addison, choosing to ignore the fact that she hadn't actually been caught, replied, "Tom, if you have to ask the question, there's no point in giving you the answer."

Everyone laughed with her and for the first time since she had lived in Canada, she felt like she could possibly belong somewhere. She only wished it were possible for Kathryn to be here with them.

She finally found herself yawning and excused herself, the first one to leave. Everyone tried to convince her to stay, but she was already feeling lightheaded and knew it was time to head out.

It was close to midnight when she got back to Janeway's quarters.

The Captain was waiting up for her.

"What, now you're my mom?" Addison was a little bit tipsy. The synthehol wouldn't let her get drunk, but it still affected her system.

"How much did you have to drink? Did you even eat anything?"

"I guess you are my mom now."

Janeway had gotten up and Addison brushed by her. Janeway stopped her though and grasped her arms, forcing her to look into her face.

"This isn't funny. You can't even hold food down. Who knows when the last time you ate was!"

"It's none of your business. I don't know why you keep insisting it is. And I don't know why you are holding me prisoner in your quarters. Whatever we had, it's over. Why don't you just give it up?"

She turned and stalked out of the quarters for the second time in less than a day, leaving behind a devastated Janeway.

* * *

Addison was angry. Angry that she had been oblivious to what the crew thought of her so-called relationship with the Captain, angry that she found herself needing the Captain at night, and angry that she had let herself throw up that sandwich.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to regain control of her life. She had given it up completely to Kathryn and now she couldn't get it back. Before, the men in her life had only thought they had control over her. But deep down, she knew she had never given enough of herself to them for that to be true. She knew that unconsciously, her boyfriends had known that also.

But Janeway was different. Addison needed her and she hated herself for it. She hated feeling weak. She hated that Kathryn wouldn't let her go. She hated that when Kathryn had said 'I love you', her heart had felt like it was going to expand out of her chest.

Addison was still too angry, though. Kathryn was holding all the cards and it made Addison scared.

She found herself running through the corridors, back towards the holodecks. As she ran, her shirt rubbed against her back and she focused on that pain.

In the three days since she had let Kathryn treat the wounds, they had begun to heal. They were still sore, but nothing like it had been before.

She knew nobody would understand, but she needed to feel that pain. It was the one thing she knew she could control. The one thing Kathryn couldn't take away from her.

When she got to the holodecks, instead of going back into Sandrine's, she activated the other one.

With a few clicks, she set up a scene, disengaged the safeties and waited. Before long, two men appeared and grabbed her. She didn't resist.

They tied her hands together and dragged her to the wall, where they pushed her to her knees and hooked her wrists above her head. They tore off her shirt, leaving her back exposed.

She didn't react when the whip came down on her. Instead, she reveled in the pain, anticipating each time the leather caressed her skin.

She felt herself alternately tense as she heard the whistle of the whip through the air and then relax as the pain released endorphins to her brain.

The program had been set so that she needed to order the men to stop when she wished, but she had overestimated herself. Her body, from lack of food and rest, shut down more quickly than she expected.

Once her wounds had reopened, it only took a few more lashes before she blacked out.


	16. Chapter 16

B'Elanna had been leaving Sandrine's when she saw Addison run by and go into holodeck two. She didn't know what to make of it, but decided it was none of her business.

She was halfway to her quarters when she changed her mind and went back. It was too strange, Addison deciding to use the holodeck this late at night, after drinking. Besides, as much as the woman had seemed to be having fun with them, B'Elanna could see that Addison was preoccupied.

When she got back to the holodeck, she checked the console. Addison had locked the doors and disengaged the safety protocols. From outside, B'Elanna couldn't tell what program was running, since it has just been created.

She didn't have the authority to go in, so she decided to call the Captain.

"Torres to Janeway."

"Yes, Lieutenant."

B'Elanna was surprised that the Captain had answered so quickly and sounded wide-awake.

"I'm not sure it's any of my business, but Ensign Blake just activated a program on holodeck two and disengaged the safety protocols. The doors are locked."

There was a moment of silence and then Janeway responded, "Thank you, Lieutenant. Will you please reengage the safeties and work on getting the doors unlocked. I'll be there in a minute. Don't enter until I arrive."

"Understood, Captain."

It took Torres only a moment to do both of those things and she waited impatiently for the Captain to arrive.

When she did, they entered the holodeck together.

Torres gasped when she saw Addison hanging from the wall, unconscious. There was barely any intact skin left on her back and a man was still beating her, although ineffectually now that the safeties had been reengaged.

B'Elanna looked at the Captain, who was keeping her cool, only because Torres was with her.

Janeway paused the program and rushed over to Addison. She grabbed her around her waist and only then ended the program, Addison slumping over when the wrist restraints disappeared.

"Janeway to the Doctor. We have a medical emergency in holodeck two. Please transfer yourself here."

The Doctor appeared immediately with his medical kit.

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

"Addison has wounds to her back. We just found her. She was unconscious when we arrived." Janeway was still holding her.

"Captain, I need you to lie her down on her stomach."

Kathryn slowly lowered Addison, not wanting to let go, but being forced to when the Doctor pushed her aside.

He scanned Addison's back and then the rest of her body. When he was finished, he administered a hypospray.

"She's going to be fine, although if she had lost anymore blood, it would have been a different story. I'm going to transfer her to sickbay."

As soon as the Doctor and Addison disappeared, Janeway's demeanor shifted. Her usually stoic face was full of panic and she was looking around as if she didn't know where she was.

B'Elanna touched Janeway on the shoulder, "Captain, would you like me to come with you to sickbay?"

Janeway looked surprised that B'Elanna was there and she said, "Yes, Lieutenant. Sickbay. Yes, we should go there."

B'Elanna surreptitiously watched the Captain as they walked through the corridors. She noticed Janeway's hands were shaking.

Torres stopped and said, "Captain. What's going on?"

"Lieutenant?"

"I don't want to overstep my bounds, but you don't seem like yourself. What's going on between you and Addison?"

"B'Elanna, it's really not something I'd care to talk about."

Torres nodded, "I understand that, Captain. I just want you to know that I'd be happy to listen, if you ever needed it."

"Thank you, B'Elanna. That means a lot."

They continued walking and Kathryn debated whether or not to say anything. She had always kept a distance between herself and her crew. But things had already changed. Besides, of all the people on the senior staff, B'Elanna was one that she connected the most with.

Despite her better judgment, she started talking, "Ever since we came back from the Kazon ship, Addison has been angry with me. She won't talk to me about anything. But, even more concerning is she has purposely been hurting herself. I don't understand it."

"What has she been angry about?"

"She says that I am too controlling."

B'Elanna chuckled, but stopped abruptly when she saw the look on Janeway's face.

"I'm sorry, Captain. It's just that, you do like to be in control of everything."

Janeway nodded her head, "It's okay. I already know that about myself. I'm finding it difficult to separate the relationship from my job. And Addison is getting the brunt of it. I'm only just realizing that I've made every decision regarding the relationship. Addison hasn't had a choice about any of it. Now, she's hurt herself, because of me."

Torres thought about that and then said, "Do you know why Klingons submit themselves to rituals where they inflict pain on themselves?"

Janeway wondered where B'Elanna was taking this but said, "To prove they can endure the pain."

"Yes, that's part of it. But they also do it to show they have control over themselves. It's one thing to endure something that's forced on you by somebody else. It's more difficult to endure something you're inflicting on yourself. Maybe that's what Ensign Blake is doing."

The more Janeway mulled over what B'Elanna had said, the more sense it made. Addison felt she didn't have control over her life. The one thing she could control, however, was her body.

They reached sickbay and walked straight to where the Doctor was examining Addison, who was lying on her stomach on the surgical biobed, under the sensor cluster.

"Report, Doctor."

He turned towards Janeway and said, "Captain. Can you tell me the last time Ensign Blake ate?"

Janeway looked guilty when she responded, "I made her eat a sandwich earlier today, but she threw it up right away. Before that, I don't know. She told me she last ate yesterday, but I'm not sure I believe her."

"Based on my scans, it seems she hasn't had any food in her system since she left sickbay three days ago."

Janeway looked appalled, "That's not possible. We had dinner together…"

The truth was, now that she thought about it, she couldn't actually recall seeing Addison put any food in her mouth.

The Doctor looked flustered at the look on the Captain's face and he said, "Well, luckily I can administer supplements which will offset the lack of nutritional content."

"What else, Doctor?"

"Otherwise, she will be okay. Her back took quite a beating, literally, but I am in the process of repairing the damage."

He looked at B'Elanna, who was standing behind the Captain, and then turned back to Janeway.

"Can I have a word with you privately, Captain?"

"Of course, Doctor."

She nodded at B'Elanna and then said, "Thank you for your help, Lieutenant. It is…appreciated."

Torres smiled softly, something Janeway didn't see her do very often, and left.

As soon as she was gone, the Doctor laid into the Captain, "Obviously, there is more going on here than I was aware of. How did Ensign Blake become injured tonight?"

"Is that relevant to your treatment, Doctor?"

"It is relevant to her mental well-being, which is part of my purview. Did she do this to herself?"

"Yes, she did."

"I'd like to keep her under observation, then. If she is suicidal, then she will need to be monitored."

"I do not believe she is suicidal, Doctor. But I agree that she should be kept under supervision. How much longer until you finish healing her injuries?"

The Doctor nodded, "It will be a few more hours until she will be able to put pressure on the skin."

"I'd like to stay."

"Captain, that really isn't necess…" He didn't finish his sentence when he noticed the glare on her face. "Fine, just don't get in the way."

Janeway pulled up a chair at Addison's head and watched as the Doctor went about his business. He was busy working on Addison for another half hour, but then moved on to other things, only coming back every once in awhile to check Addison's vital signs.

Eventually, Kathryn laid her head next to Addison's and drifted off to sleep.

She woke up when she heard the Doctor removing the sensor cluster.

She lifted her head and said, "Doctor?"

"I'm finished here. I would like to turn her over onto her back. The sedation should be worn off, but she might sleep for longer."

The Doctor rolled Addison over and left to go back to his office.

Kathryn moved her chair so that she was sitting to the side, took Addison's hand in hers and let both lay on Addison's stomach.

She rested her forehead on the hands for a moment and then rotated her head so she was looking at Addison's face.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I failed you. As a Captain. As a friend. And as whatever more we've become. I was trying to protect you, but I should have seen that you're completely capable of protecting yourself."

"I wasn't allowing myself to see how much I need you. Instead, I became so insecure I channeled my energy into trying to control the situation. I'm sorry. You deserve more than that."

Addison's hand twitched then and Janeway shot up out of the chair.

"Kathryn?" Addison's voice was rusty.

"Yes, I'm here."

Addison's eyes fluttered open and she turned her head towards the sound of Janeway's voice.

"What happened? Where am I?"

"You're in sickbay." Kathryn wasn't sure how to broach the topic of what had happened.

"Why?"

"You passed out. Do you remember what happened?"

"I was on the holodeck. And then…" Her eyes became wide and she turned away. "Who found me?"

"B'Elanna and I did."

"Lieutenant Torres saw me like that?"

Kathryn nodded, which Addison didn't see, but the silence was explanation enough.

"I didn't mean for this to happen."

"What did you mean to have happen? Please, Addison, tell me what you were thinking."

There was a hint of desperation in Janeway's voice that made Addison look back at her. She noticed that Kathryn's hair was disheveled and she had dark circles under her eyes. She was still holding Addison's hand, which was shaking. Or was it Kathryn's hand that was shaking?

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. I just needed…" She struggled to find the words to explain. "I needed to know that I had control of something. And, the pain is a reminder."

"A reminder of what?"

"A reminder that I did this to myself." She turned away again, unable to look Kathryn in the eye. "You must think I'm crazy."

"Addison, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're amazingly strong and beautiful. I think you've been a saint to put up with me over the past months. I think you've been dealing with the situation the only way you know how."

Addison shook her head, "I've been awful to you over the past week. How can you say those things?"

"Everything you've said has been deserved. And more."

"No, you deserve better."

Janeway laughed, "Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you. Addison, I'm going to say it again. I love you. Whether or not you feel the same way, I need you to understand that I will do anything to make you happy. I haven't done such a great job of that recently, but I'm willing to start over."

Addison didn't respond. She had heard everything Kathryn had said when she thought Addison was still sleeping. It had deflated her anger in a way she didn't think could have been possible. Now, she just felt tired.

"Can we go back to your quarters now?"

The exhaustion came through in her voice and Kathryn felt her protective instinct kick in.

"Of course, let me clear it with the Doctor."

Despite the fact that Janeway had initially agreed that Addison should be kept under supervision in sickbay, she convinced the Doctor that if they went back to her quarters, she would keep a careful watch on Addison.

He gave Janeway a specific diet plan to administer to Addison, one that involved eating small meals every few hours. Both of them told Addison she could only leave sickbay if she agreed to follow the plan.

When Kathryn and Addison finally got back home, it was early in the morning. Kathryn left a message for Chakotay that she would be taking the day off. When she finished, she found Addison already in bed. She was lying on her side, facing away from the entry.

Kathryn was hesitant, not sure what Addison would want from her now, but decided to join her without asking. She changed her clothes and situated herself gingerly on the bed next to Addison.

She put her hand softly on Addison's arm and said, "Do you want to talk about anything?"

Addison rolled over and looked at Kathryn.

"I don't know what to say."

"It doesn't matter, say anything." Kathryn just wanted to get her to start talking.

It took Addison five minutes of silence before she spoke again.

"I'm tired of things being so hard. I'm tired of being scared and out of control. These feelings are too much for me. It was so much easier not to care. But no matter what I do, I can't make that happen again. And anger was the best next choice."

She fell back into thought and Kathryn said, "You had a right to be angry."

"Maybe. But there's no need for it. I know your intentions were good."

She looked away again and Kathryn could see she was trying to decide something so she said, "What is it?"

"When we came back from the planet, I accepted that we wouldn't be together. I wasn't happy, but at least I knew. And then, for a while, when we were sleeping together again, I convinced myself that was enough. But we both know it wasn't for either of us."

"When the Kazon came, I really thought it was my chance to be useful to Voyager. I would have been content. And when they took me, I thought it was punishment for believing you would love me enough to be with me for real."

"I was so scared when I saw you on the Kazon ship. There was nothing I could do to protect you. Which made me angry that you had come at all, knowing that I had asked you not to."

Addison paused and seemed to steel herself.

Then she said, "I think I love you. I'm not really sure because I've never been in love before. But even so, I can't do this. My entire life I've been faking it. It's not enough anymore."

She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, wanting Kathryn to say that everything would be fine, but knowing it still wasn't possible.

Kathryn was warring with her own emotions. A part of her was thrilled that Addison had admitted that she wanted her. She was happy that Addison had let go of the anger. But now she didn't know what to do.

She moved herself over and draped herself over Addison's torso, so that they were looking at each other face to face.

"Why don't we try? I don't know what will happen. I can't promise that I can juggle being the Captain and being in a relationship with one of my crew. But we won't know unless we try."

Addison just stared at her, uncertainty in her eyes. Kathryn leaned forward and kissed her, for the first time since they had been caught by Timmy.

At first, Addison didn't respond. She didn't turn away, either, and Kathryn used her tongue to push apart Addison's lips.

Addison willed herself not to react. She didn't want to let herself give in, knowing how much pain it could cost her. But feeling Kathryn's warm skin against hers made her forget everything and as soon as Kathryn ran her tongue against Addison's teeth, Addison gave up.

She lifted her head and upper back off the bed and pressed herself into Kathryn, remembering how comforting the feeling was.

Their kiss lasted for what seemed like an eternity until Addison got her wits back and pulled away.

"Kathryn, I'm really tired. Can we sleep first?" She really did feel like her body was about to give out on her.

Kathryn rolled off, pulling Addison along with her, so that Addison was nestled into Kathryn's side.

"Of course, you should rest."

Addison fell asleep almost immediately, with her head resting on Kathryn's shoulder.

* * *

They slept for almost eight hours. When Kathryn woke, Addison was still curled up next to her. She tried to get up without bothering the other woman, but as soon as she started to pull her arm out from underneath Addison's body, Addison opened her eyes.

"Go back to sleep, there's no reason to get up."

"No, I'm fine. I'm ready to get up."

Addison got up and went to the bathroom and it was while she was in the shower that Janeway realized it had been too long since Addison had last eaten.

She decided it would be better for Addison to get out of their quarters and interact with others, so as soon as they were dressed, they headed to the mess hall. Fortunately, Addison didn't argue with her about eating.

It was the end of lunchtime and they found an empty table and sat with their food. Addison picked at hers slowly, but eventually got it all down.

A few people stopped by to chat with Janeway about ship related things, but eventually they were left alone.

Kathryn leaned forward and rested her arms on the table, "Maybe eating Neelix's food isn't the best way to get you back on a normal diet?"

Addison smiled and said, "At least the Doctor only wants me eating small amounts at a time. It's easier to get down when you know there's not that much of it."

It felt easy to talk to each other and Addison relaxed a little and unconsciously reached forward and took Kathryn's hand in hers.

Kathryn stiffened and pulled back. Before she could stop herself, she glanced around to see if anybody had noticed.

Addison watched her and then dropped her eyes.

"Kathryn, I can't expect more from you. It wouldn't be fair. But I also can't accept less. This isn't going to work. We're kidding ourselves to think it would."

Kathryn sat back, angry that she had let herself react that way but knowing that she wasn't ready to show affection in front of others. She wasn't sure she would ever be ready.

"Addison."

Addison shook her head, "It's okay. You don't need to explain."

She stood up from the table.

"I'm going to move my things back to my quarters. I'll see you around."

Kathryn watched her walk away, not sure what to do. She knew that she couldn't argue with Addison. She didn't have any ground to stand on. She felt defeated.

She sat there awhile longer, needing to give Addison time to pack and not having anywhere else to go. She wasn't in her uniform, so she couldn't go to the bridge.

Eventually, she got up and left the mess hall, wandering around the corridors until Addison was finished.

* * *

B'Elanna had seen the entire incident. She had watched the Captain pull away from Addison and had seen Addison's face fall when it happened.

It didn't take more than a day for the rumors to circulate that the two had broken off their relationship and Addison had moved back her own quarters.

Only B'Elanna knew that there was more to the story.

The night after Addison moved out, B'Elanna rang Addison's doorbell and invited her to dinner. Addison was pretty adamant about not wanting to go, but B'Elanna had insisted.

In the end, Addison had told B'Elanna everything that had happened. She had never had a close female friend before and was uncomfortable at first, talking about her private life.

But the more she talked, the more she found she couldn't stop. When she was finished, she felt exhausted, but relieved.

B'Elanna had listened quietly the entire time, only interjecting a few times to ask questions.

At the end, she said, "It's obvious the Captain cares about you. You don't think it's worth giving her some time to adjust? This is a big step for her."

"I wish I could. But I know her. She will never feel comfortable acknowledging our relationship. It's too ingrained in her that it's inappropriate. I can't be with somebody who feels that way."

B'Elanna nodded, "I understand. It's just too bad. The Captain needs somebody like you."

From then on, B'Elanna and Addison started spending more time together. B'Elanna enjoyed that she always knew where Addison stood and didn't pretend to be something other than who she was. Addison quickly grew to respect B'Elanna for her voracity and humor.

Because of their time together, Addison also got to know B'Elanna's friends better. Pretty soon, she found herself feeling comfortable around other people. She looked forward to going out after her duty shift and was much happier than when she was spending all her time in her quarters.

She developed an amusing friendship with Tom, one that was based on harmless flirtation. Despite her misgivings about Chakotay, he was one of the few people who really understood her love of the earth and could share in that passion. She didn't have a lot in common with Harry, who was sometimes a little shy around her, but she still enjoyed his company.

Still, she missed the Captain more than she would have liked to admit. She felt guilty that she had become friends with the people who Kathryn was the closest with, hoping that she wasn't taking them away from her.

It balanced out though, especially since Janeway hardly ever socialized with her senior staff as a group anyway.

Kathryn had started having dinner with Chakotay more often again and continued to keep herself occupied in other ways.

It was late one evening and Chakotay was sitting on her couch, the two of them enjoying a bottle of wine. Janeway had poured them each a glass and raised hers when they were both sitting.

"To getting home." It was the only thing she could think to say.

Chakotay clinked his glass to hers, took a sip, and said, "There's more to life than that, you know."

"What more? Honestly, I'd like to know."

"Come off it, Kathryn. You know what more there is. You're just being too dense to admit it."

Kathryn sputtered, surprised at Chakotay's forwardness. Even though they were close, he rarely talked to her like that.

He continued, "Now that we've all gotten to know Addison, it's even easier to see that you're being too stubborn for your own good. She's the best thing that could have happened to you. Who knows if we'll ever get home? Are you going to spend the rest of your life alone because you're embarrassed the crew will see you as human? It's ridiculous."

"Chakotay…" Her voice was low and serious.

But Chakotay didn't heed the warning, "No, Kathryn. You need to listen to someone. All this crew wants is for you to be happy. They would give their lives to make you happy. And the answer is sitting right in front of you. For such a smart woman, you're acting incredibly obtuse."

Then he backed down a little, "I'm sorry if you think I'm being harsh, but somebody had to tell you."

Kathryn's entire body had become tense when he had started talking about Addison, but now she relaxed it back into the couch.

"You're right, Chakotay. I know that you're right. I may be acting obtuse, but I am more aware of things than I let on. I hear what you're saying. And I'll think about it."

They didn't talk about it again that night and Chakotay knew that would be the last time he would bring it up with her. He only hoped she would listen to him.

* * *

"I have nothing to wear!" Addison was in her closet, clothes strewn around her on the floor.

B'Elanna, who was sitting on the bed, rolled her eyes and said, "Come on, you have to have something in there!"

They were getting ready for a 'welcome home' party for Tom and Harry. They had been trapped in a prison together and, from what B'Elanna had gotten out of them, it had been a pretty intense experience for both of them. It had been a week since they had been back, but both seemed a little melancholy, so Neelix had decided to throw them a party.

It was taking place in the mess hall and the plan was for only about a quarter of the crew to be there. Still, people where making a big deal out of it and most everyone had decided to dress up.

Addison groaned, "I don't have anything."

"What about that little black dress you wore to Chakotay's birthday last year? In fact, in hindsight, I'm pretty sure the Captain couldn't take her eyes off of you that night."

Now it was Addison's turn to roll her eyes. Everyone was constantly trying to get her and Kathryn back together and Addison had learned to ignore them.

B'Elanna did have a point, however. It was the only fancy dress she had.

"Okay, fine."

She pulled it out from her closet, slipped into it and said, "I hope tonight goes better than the last time I wore this."

B'Elanna hurried Addison on, anxious to get to the party. It was already in full swing when they arrived. Neelix had cleared out the middle of the room for dancing and people were taking advantage of it.

It only took a minute before drinks were shoved into both women's hands and they were pulled onto the dance floor.

At first, Addison was hesitant, unsure of herself around all the people. The last time she had danced like this, she was being forced to do it to pick up men. But, she quickly shed those memories and found herself enjoying the music enough to get her body moving.

She moved from partner to partner, laughing when the guys would mockingly fight over her. She let them pull her close to them, marveling at how she never would have been comfortable like this a few months ago.

When Janeway walked in, the first thing she saw was Addison dancing. The black dress lay snug against Addison's hips as they moved against her partner's body.

Kathryn's first reaction was jealousy. But when she saw the smile on Addison's face, the jealousy quickly dropped away and Kathryn felt warmth spread through her chest.

She hadn't seen Addison this relaxed since they had been on the planet together. It looked good on her.

As did the dress.

Chakotay found Janeway first and offered her a drink. They leaned back against the bar and watched the crews' antics.

"These are the moments we live for, right Chakotay?"

He nodded and followed Janeway's eyes to where Addison was standing.

He cleared his throat and Kathryn looked at him.

She only smiled and said, "If you'll excuse me, I have something I need to do."

The song had changed from upbeat to slow and many people had left the dance floor to get something eat or drink. Tom had captured Addison and they were dancing together, Tom trying to make Addison laugh.

Janeway approached them and laid a hand on Tom's shoulder.

"Mr. Paris, may I cut in?"

Addison spun around with a surprised look on her face, but Tom graciously stepped back and said, "Of course, Captain. My pleasure."

Kathryn offered a hand to Addison who took it after a moment's thought. She gasped softly when Kathryn pulled her in close and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes, this is okay." Addison was still too shocked to make heads or tails of what was happening.

They danced together for a few minutes, Addison nervously watching to see what the crew would do and how Kathryn would react to it.

Kathryn seemed oblivious, though.

Finally, Addison stopped them both and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making up for lost time. If you'll let me."

Without waiting for a response, Kathryn leaned in and kissed Addison on the mouth as fully as she could.

A cheer went up from the crew.

When Kathryn pulled back, her cheeks were red and she looked around at the crew, blushing. She waved her hand at them as if to say, "Yes, I get it. Let's move on."

Everyone laughed and then turned back to what they had been doing.

She looked back at Addison, who was still recovering from the kiss.

"Will you give me another chance?"

There were tears in Addison's eyes when she responded, "I'll always give you another chance."

Kathryn pulled their bodies back together and Addison rested her head on Kathryn's shoulder, smiling.


End file.
